SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My partner of 11 years revealed a one night stand that occurred two years ago with his neighbor. He revealed because her wife found out so he felt it best he bring the truth forward. We live apart by choice. I never see nor have anything to do with the neighbor. The wife has mental health issues and drives my partner crazy with her intrusiveness. The woman my partner cheated with his half his age and apparently had a confidant "friendship" with my partner unbeknownst to me. Before her, he was with his wife and me (limited sexual history). He said he was drinking when she came over and one thing led to another and then she left crying and they agreed to never do it again. I believe him. I believe he was stupid and flattered and ego took over. I am SO mad. I am so hurt. I am appalled. I am scare. I had a week of hysterical bonding, holy heck, that trauma response is incredible. We had amazing sex and incredible conversations. Things settled. We had previously planned a 4 day holiday to an island and went and it was wonderful. I cried, I was angry, I emoted. he listened, soothed me, gave me space and most of all, we processed a lot. We agreed to get to the new year and then re evaluate "us".

I asked him to block her and he says he did. He has admitted a few other issues: he smokes 1 cigarette a week after starting on our trip to Italy last year and he sometimes drinks a bottle of wine on Friday nights when solo. I don't think he has an alcohol issue but he lost inhibitions one such night so how can I be sure it won't happen again.

The roller coaster is driving me to exhaustion. Thanks for reading. I am feeling lost.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've been affected by infidelity. Please read the posts pinned to the top of the forum, as well as the ones with the bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use. One of the recommended posts is called Boundaries and Consequences 101 that might be a good starting point for you.

You may wish to see an IC (individual counselor) to help you heal and process. A betrayal trauma specialist if you can, and bonus points if they also deal with infidelity. Infidelity is trauma, and your thoughts can make you sometimes think you're not normal. You can post here and get a bunch of "yes, that's normal" responses. Well, it's as normal as it can be while you're in an abnormal situation.

Your WH (wayward husband) should also be in IC to dig on his whys and to become a safe partner. He should also read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good book.

If you have trouble eating, try to do something like a protein shake. If you have issues with anxiety, depression or sleeping, talk to your doctor about some meds. You don't have to be on them forever, but can be useful during this initial phase.