SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick question that may not have a quick answer.

For those of you that healed after the A , how many of you realized you had codependency issues and stayed for the wrong reasons before the A was even brought to light.

Were you able to break the codependency and move on alone or were you able to salvage the marriage and find your identity?

Quick background.
I am realizing that I have had codependency issues most of my life and as I am getting stronger (it varies day to day) I am not liking my H as much (add in the A) and I like him less.

I’m thinking of going back to IC and completely focusing on FOO issues and not the A at all.

I am reading healing the child within now and it’s hitting hard.

Thoughts?

I have been textbook codependent for most of my life. From the internet: The five core symptoms of codependency are low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, difficulty setting boundaries, caretaking, and dependency. I think while I keep a lot of that under better check that parts of that will always be there or at least the tendency will.

I don’t know that I frame it as I should have left, my husband overall throughout the marriage has been certainly more selfish than I am. And I do consider myself to have had an exit affair. But I don’t think I took responsibility for my own happiness either so thinking I should have ended it may be right but it’s not hitting exactly right for me. However, I am not sure I would have answered that same way some years ago. I really have had to fall back in love with my husband, especially after his affair and that has been a lot of work. Work that has been worth it.

Some people would say - why would you have to try so hard to live him? If you found him unlovable you should have left. Truth is, that assumes I was healthy. I was not. I don’t know during that period of my life that I was capable of loving anyone, I was just in such a deep void. What I was really doing during all that time was learning to love me. And that ebbs and flows but I think I at least keep it in a healthier range. I am actually going through a lot personally right now and am having to fight for it more than I have in several years but at least I am not blaming him for it anymore.

At any rate - I think that healing from the ground up is what most of us need to do. I encourage you to take that path. Working on yourself is always a great investment, and we accumulate so much shit over time that it can topple us over.

I also believe that infidelity can really magnify those unhealed part of us and it can be difficult to heal that trauma without first looking at the bigger picture and understanding ourselves more deeply.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:49 AM, Thursday, September 12th]

Not myself.

Turns out my FWS had quite a codependent streak in her. That was one of her issues dealing in our marriage.

I didn't need rescuing, etc, and because of this she felt like she wasn't needed, etc.

I was surprised by this, but she fit the description to a T.

Yeah, Idk not all of the points describe me.
I am a huge empathist and I hold myself accountable for the people around me and their happiness and my H did too, not as bad as me, he was more worried about his happiness but he was a people pleaser when it helped him gain something, so really a user at the end of the day.

Me , for example, when my dad is having a bad day and he is sad , I want to fix it, I want to change decisions he has made in his life and I feel depressed FOR HIM. I am that way with a lot of people.
My brother followed in my fathers footsteps and his children are getting damaged emotionally, they don't get to do things, they don't even go to the movies or out to eat, so I open my home once or twice a month and try to entertain them and help them feel loved when I am mentally exhausted and I put my family and my needs on the back burner.
My dad comes, my niece and nephews come, they have a great time, they laugh, play and then they go back and nothing changes, I think I need to let go and focus on myself and my family. I will NOT say that I deserved for my H to have the A because I didn't but I can see my issues and lack of self love and self respect.

I was dependent on making other people happy to make myself happy and I lost who I was, I had no identity, no hobbies, I was literally nobody.

Reading all of the stuff about codependency is really helping me realize the things that I need to change internally, my H already is but for me it is a little harder due to being an extreme empathist and the guilt for taking time to myself while having young children.

Dare i say it is exciting to be able to find myself for the first time? I can't truly say that because of how i got here but I am trying to be happy that I have the opportunity to fix things that have been broken inside me for a long time.

H/O thank you for this

At any rate - I think that healing from the ground up is what most of us need to do. I encourage you to take that path. Working on yourself is always a great investment, and we accumulate so much shit over time that it can topple us over.

This is where I am , finally.
I have been self destructive for almost a year, I still drink too much, which I am working on and trying to replace with healthier outlets like the gym and reading but I have cut way back and I am trying to give myself grace there.
I hope as time goes on and I start to find myself the healing will be evident.

I was dependent on making other people happy to make myself happy and I lost who I was, I had no identity, no hobbies, I was literally nobody.

Same, but I was in my forties, my youngest was leaving for college. I had a full out identity crisis.

Reading all of the stuff about codependency is really helping me realize the things that I need to change internally, my H already is but for me it is a little harder due to being an extreme empathist and the guilt for taking time to myself while having young children.

Work towards reframing this. Working on yourself will greatly benefit them in so many ways. You have a lifelong relationship with them ahead- allow it to be with a mom who is healed and happy. I will say that my lack of healing seemed to be more evident in my relationship with them as they were young adults. The work I have done has transformed the relationship to be something entirely better. I never had a bad relationship with them or anything, I was a dedicated mother. But I over did for them, and when you get teens and college age students that isn’t actually conducive because they have an expanding need for independence. I was clinging to my role.

Dare i say it is exciting to be able to find myself for the first time? I can't truly say that because of how i got here but I am trying to be happy that I have the opportunity to fix things that have been broken inside me for a long time.

I remember feeling that way. Just know that excitement will ebb and flow a you do this work. It’s perfectly natural for some period the work can be both exhausting and defeating. Just keep swimming. I don’t think you realize that you are already doing it, and you are doing amazing in the midst of the suck.

I was, past tense, very codependent. I was afraid to bring up issues with my wife because I believed she held the attitude of F' this, I can find another man who doesn't have any issues with me. When I would try to discuss something with my wife she would become defensive, cross her arms, deflect, boomerang.

After the shock of discovering that she was sexting with a married coworker wore off I started working on my codependency issue and once I realized I would be fine without her AND TOLD HER THAT I could finally see clearly. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders

I am no longer afraid of her leaving. I've told her "Anyone can leave a relationship at any time" and it's true and there's nothing one can do to stop it so stop worrying about something that is uncontrollable

I believe that once my wife realized I could go on without her it stripped away a control she had over me.

My life revolved around her. I had no social network outside of her and I was fine with that but in retrospect it was very unhealthy. A month ago I found a group via the Meetup app that plays sand volleyball once a week. They do other fun activities as well. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to tell her "I found a group of people that gets together for fun activities and this Tuesday I am going to play volleyball."

I told her this is for me and I know this sounds mean but you can't be there. And it hurt to say that because I felt like I was excluding her. I said you have a social network, people you can do things with, I don't, and if we cannot repair our relationship I need to have a network in place, people to do things with, friendships. Trying to build that after a divorce is the wrong time

She wasn't comfortable with it but knew she had to accept it. Or not, her choice.

I have been playing for about a month and having a blast. I'd forgotten how to meet new people and carry on a conversation. It's not a singles group far as I can tell, they just get together and have fun.

My first time there the organizer asked "So what brings you here?" and I said "An affair" We talked for a bit and he said all he wanted from his WW was an apology and he would have taken her back but she refused.

Breaking the codependency shackle is life changing