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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Reconciliation :
Attraction to AP

Topic is Sleeping.
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Hikingout,

I was not insulted or put off, I value your perspective and I understand that there is something irrational about our needs and wants and we feel how we feel.

Your raw reactions have value as well.

I also think a component of attraction to the OM/OW is to variable degree caused by their repulsion for their spouse which pushes the WW/WH towards the OM/OW.

The degree of repulsion, resentment or hate for their spouse is often minimized, but is important for understanding.

posts: 1487   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8794276
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 3:38 PM on Monday, June 12th, 2023

Ah…yes…affair stupid brain.

A great explanation on how a person who is in stupid-brain can later find zero attraction is exemplified in an episode of "How I Met Your Mother".

In it Robyn is seen as both a manatee and a mermaid.

It does not matter which she is.

The point is that a stupid brain sees the two stupid extremes. Repulsion for the manatee (WRONG! Because everyone is worthy and of value, beautiful simply by being created!), and intoxicating attraction to the siren mermaid (stupid brain sees no flaws. WRONG - ALL humans are flawed).

What matters is this. Start watching for this:

If I ask Mr Uxor why I should not worry about some woman lurking about him, and he says "But I am not even attracted to her."….WRONG ANSWER! Because what if he was? What if she flips into a mermaid in his stupid-brain because she happened to say one word hidden in his subconscious in the right way. Or wore the right perfume. Or did the "bend and snap" (Legally Blonde The Musical reference)?

The needed response is "I totally see her flaws now. I never want you to have to worry about that again, so I am now planning actions into myself to keep from even looking at other women in that way and seeing your beauty inside and out."

You may want him to review all of her ugliest features big and small. Perhaps that is ok. I know I initially felt that way. But it is only a quick fix.

In the long run what you really need is stupid brain strategies.

So you are always the mermaid and he is not even assessing if anyone on the rocks is a manatee or not.

See. The problem is not attraction to the manatee. It is looking at the rocks to assess in the first place.

He. Has. You.

Right on your own ship of marriage.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 3:39 PM, Monday, June 12th]

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8794931
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:30 PM on Monday, June 12th, 2023

"I totally see her flaws now."


What helped for us, is that FWS totally sees *his* flaws now (or at least that was/is the working premise).

That renders every past or would-be AP as irrelevant. And you know, they really are.

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 555   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8794951
Topic is Sleeping.
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