Hi, I am new here and looking for advice, comfort, anything. I’m really struggling. About 8 months ago, I engaged in an online/cyber affair with a remote co-worked I’ve never met. After it went way too far (photos, sexting, sharing feelings, etc), I told my AP what we were doing was wrong and I loved my husband. I also confessed to my husband what happened about a month after I ended all contact with the AP.
He was extremely hurt, but wanted to rebuild together. Things have been great, and we now even have our first child on the way. We share feelings more and spend a lot more time together. I feel like I help manage triggers and give him space to share his emotions. However, I can’t seem to even begin to forgive myself or move on. I feel like I’m living in constant doom from my mistake. I feel like I’m unworthy of my husbands love, and that I don’t deserve a good life with him.
Looking back after a bit of therapy, I realized my AP was a predator. He is 25 years older than me and kept roping me back in, even after I told him multiple times I felt uncomfortable. He encouraged my behavior by telling me I was just having fun and sharing a deep friendship or connection, and that life was too short, blah blah blah. There was a lot of love bombing going on it pulled me in. I’m angry with myself for being so naive. He’s also married and I feel horrible for being "the other woman". I feel terrible for his wife!
I don’t want to use any of this as an excuse for my behavior, but I’m so angry I let myself give into this. I feel like my marriage was darn near perfect before all of this happened. Now I want to die out of shame, guilt, embarrassment and seeing the hurt I caused my husband. I’m also worried my AP became a bit obsessed and might be stalking me. I blocked him on every form of social media and left my job (even though he’d also left the job a week prior). Before my last day, he’d gone out of his way to email my work email saying happy birthday. It really made me uneasy, since I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. It’s been silence for 8 months until this past week, I saw he searched for me on LinkedIn. For some reason this sent me into a huge spiral again. It feels like I’m starting over with recovery and I’m also really scared he’s going to find me in person or find a way to contact me.
I can’t afford any further therapy, although I know I need it. I just feel so helpless and that nothing will ever be okay again. I love my husband and I want things to work, but how do I ever feel worthy of such an amazing spouse after I betrayed them? I feel like posting on here might help me a bit in the meantime.