Hey Violet. I read your post as well as some of your previous ones and offer some thoughts that may help and for you to consider. My comments start with your first post directly below and end with your most recent one.
H and I were married barely a year ago. I had an A with a cow. D-day was about 6 months ago. I came clean about it to him while we were in quarantine. We have had good days and we've had bad days. I want to work this out. I've been doing IC as well as couples therapy with H. I've tried to be more present with him. It seems like we are progressing in to recovery, sometimes I wonder if he truly believes he can move forward with me.
I continue to try to be better and prove to him that I want this. He seems undecided lately which makes me want to withdraw and come up with plan b if we can't salvage this.
You'll see a few "ifs" in my post and that's due to not having enough detail and not wanting to assume anything. Your quote above was your first one shortly after D-Day where your husbands indecision had you contemplating the worthiness of putting for the your efforts to reconcile.
Seems as if you're still in the same mindset three years later which is understandable if not much movement has happened on his end however you may want to explore his indecisions more deeply because it may reflect back to unresolved issues with you and the affair that you haven't provided him with.
My husband and I have been together since 2012. We married in October of 2019. In February, 2020 i started talking to a c9 worker. We began to have a flirtatious relationship from 2/10/2020 to about 3/1/2020 during the time period of 3/1/2020 to 3/15/2020, i gave him oral sex often and then right before our job sent us to work from home due to covid, we had sex twice.
Five months later you detailed some facts and from a BS perspective, I would think of a few things that would cause for pause. Assuming you are aware the pain from infidelity is possibly the greatest for a human to bear here's something to think about.
1) Their are many attractive men in the world. How can I possibly be comfortable with future coworkers and male figures with my wife? Even if she says she loved me, there's not assurances it'll not happen again becauses she loved me before her affair, so what's the difference?
2) COVID stopped or help stop the affair, not necessarily my wife from feeling guilty. What if COVID hadn't happened? It's possible sexual interludes may have gone on repeatedly for months or years. I would not say this to a WS because there's nothing they could say to refute it. I actually say this from experience.
3) I'm not making a claim or not, but if your AP received more oral sex than your husband during the same time period then you will have a very, very, difficult time convincing your husband he's not as wanted as your AP. I'm not saying he'll never get there but it's possible he wont. The track record is undeniable and a horrid one for your husband. You have to understand it's a reasonable conclusion for him regardless of the sincerity or truthfulness of your words. Any male or female would feel this way if their husband or wife lusted strongly after another man or woman.
Well other details came trickling out over a period of 6 months. Nothing that I denied really, but things I didn't mention because I didn't want him to hurt more than what he already was.
BS know WS find it difficult to tell the truth so your husband's also thinking he is not your preferred man given the choice simply because of the degree of difficulty it is to admit it.
We are approaching a year since i told him. This pass sunday, we got into an argument. I told him I didn't know what else to say, he told me to get out. When he said that, honestly it was like a light turned on. I could tell he is sincere and doesn't want to continue this. I came back to the house that same night. For the following couple of days he stood his ground and wanted me to know he doesn't want to continue this with me.
I told him I wanted to show him that he is important to me and that he is worth the fight for me. I will make the effort to be vulnerable and be open about whatever he wants to talk about. I slept in a seperate room. The day before yesterday, I went into his room and held him telling him that I miss him and how sorry I am for the way I've treated him. He agreed to give me my last chance even though it was really hard for him to do because it was already hard enough for him to say he was done.
This was a year later. It should be noted that it takes 3-5 years for a BS to recover from the emotional injury of infidelity, but you lost a year not being vulnerable which you admitted. The reconciliation period starts after all truths are placed on the table, so that makes you on year two, not three.
We had a decent day. But then bed time came and he didn't want me to touch him, he went into the other room to sleep. This is rough for him especially after almost a year of getting no where and no suddenly here I am wanting to engage.
Correct. The realization that he's having to restart the process all over is confidence draining. Remember he was emasculated and played and extremely vulnerable so protecting his heart is his top priority. A healthy or at the very least, a stable emotional mindset is needed for the BS to recover and then reconcile. Having been emasculated and played does not make for progress regardless of how you see it. It's how he sees and feels things.
I want to have a deeper understanding of how he feels, and what to expect. I will continue to fight for this marriage. I want this to work and want to explore a new relationship with him. My husband is a great guy and has taught me the true definition of what love is. I can't say I've done the same for him.
4/2/2021 It has been 2 weeks since my spouse has agreed to give me 90 days to make my attempt at reconciliation. We have gone on dates, been intimate. Some days I've felt we are getting closer and goimg somewhere. But suddenly he shuts down and says he can't look at me without feeling triggered and our sex life isn't what it seems because he does not feel good enough as the other guy. The last 8 years of our relationship are no longer good memories.
When a husband or significant other is usurped by another man and the wife was willing to risk the love, respect and admiration of her husbabd/SO the BS often assumes the desire and feelings of lust must have been extraordinarily strong. This is especially so when the wife says, it wasn't anything the husband did and it was all her fault.
Another way of saying this is it was nothing the husband did, but it was everything the AP was to her and she greatly desired him despite the risks. Logic reasons you know/knew the risks but felt an overpowering feeling to risk him anyway. This thought MIGHT be one he's contemplated. Just giving you thoughts here.
My BS does not really give me the opportunity to show him these things. I've heard it takes two to reconcile. Is him pushing me away part of it? Should I go get my name change and focus on moving forward by myself? Forget the whole 90 day thing and move on? My BS doesn't have an outlet and im just not sure what to do.
How to support and be present but let go...this seems to be it but again I've read up on infidelity and affairs. I've seen some BS advice and its either to leave or to keep fighting because this is just normal for him to not want to be with me and then the next make love to me. I want to do the right thing for the relationship. I dont want to cause anymore damage.
It takes two to reconcile, but if he hasn't recovered the reconcile efforts are possibly wasted in vain. I believe in the library of this site and in the Just Found Out forum the instruction given to newly betrayed spouses is to RECOVER before you reconcile. Most WS who wants to reconcile wants the BS to do so regardless if recovered or not and it's possibly what's happening with your husband. Good times, sex and periodic closeness doesn't make for a recovered BS.
If you sustain a serious ACL injury to your knee, time and rest by itself will not remedy the injury. Surgery and rehabilitation along with rest is what's required to recover to health. Same thing with infidelity. You might be underestimating the devastation and depth of his emotional injury. Just a thought to think about.
2/17/2023 - I have told him the truth and what happened. He has a hard time understanding why so I think that's why he continues to act a kind of way.
This is possibly a big clue here if I'm interpreting it correctly. You say you're telling the truth, but your trickling of it may plant seeds of doubt as to whether it's 50%, 75% or 98% truth. He, like most betrayed spouses can't decipher between the 50% and 98%. That's a huge disparity.
Secondly and most important is let's assume you told him the truth and he believes it. That's just one hurdle. The second hurdle or question is why. If this can't be answered satisfactorily, then he will possibly remain uncentered and uncertain. That's because there's nothing solid enough for him to open his heart again and give it to you. You've admittedly destroyed it, so in order for him to hand it back over to you, he needs evidence. If your why's haven't been figured out then his heart will remain in his possession despite the love.
This is a hard one here because it sounds like he needs something. Anything that's has some substance and meaning that he can wrap his head around. But by just saying, you were super attracted, engaged in flirting which led to oral sex and intercourse isn't enough. You can't say, I would never do it again because he probably thought you would never do it in the first place. So, although factually true, it's not answering the why.
However if it is as simple as he got you excited and you could not resist, then you can see that statement alone is not enough for him to impart with his heart and soul, which is what you seek but seemingly haven't provided enough. As stated in the first paragraph you may have to assess what you have offered that will make him feel safe with you. Right now he's not feeling safe.
He makes comments how he knows I'm not that into him and that he's my 2nd choice something he just has to live with. How do we move forward with talk/thinking like that.
The wayward wives on here can answer better than I can. I'd imagine they will tell you it starts with him feeling safe, of which trust will follow that may take a couple to a few years. You have to have the patience and do the work to get the results.
We hardly have sex and he likes to remind me that we are "partners" and i feel like he's staying in the marriage out of convenience. He can go be with someone else and he knows that. So why doesn't he? What is the point? Honestly, if that's how he feels and this is where we are why can't we go our separate ways? I could leave sure. But its my responsibility to give this all I've got. In just tired
Reconciliation isn't for everyone. As you said it takes two. As the betrayed spouse, he needs to feel safe and trust needs to be rebuilt one step at a time. For you, you need to have the will, conviction and patience to pull it off. I've read of WS who have said they are in it for as long as it takes.
You don't sound like you're in this camp. It's possible you aren't there and if not, that's okay. I belive what's really important is gaining a deep understanding of his pain, suffering and the emotional toll it's taken on him. If you do this you may gain perspective in esimating the depth of despair he has to pull out of in order to get to a healthy emotional state BEFORE your expectations of reconciliation can be met.