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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

Wayward Side :
Am I worse or is he worse?

Topic is Sleeping.

 Popshack (original poster new member #82854) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

I am both a WS and BS- a mad hatter I guess…

My husband cheated on me twice. Both of his affair partners were his exes from before our marriage. They were long distance relationships: he met them once a year for around 6yrs overall. First one was a friend of ours and I thought he was just being friends with her. Didn’t realize that they had a sexual past. The year I discovered they had something going on was when I saw her skimpy pics in a email. He also then had an emotional affair with another friend for 3 weeks and I tossed both out.

Second affair went on for 5 yrs. Another ex who lived near his parents and he met her every year under the pretext of seeing his parents. They spent time at a hotel, her home etc . He promised he never had sex with her but then admitted that they did oral sex. He also admitted that his first AP also gave him oral- I don’t know whether it was before or after our marriage. Also, I didn’t believe that it was all he did because he was not admitting to the truth completely at any time and only I found out all the details. I didn’t care to know.

He only stopped both after I discovered them. He gaslighted me both times until i found proof.

I was Pained hurt and depressed but stayed in this marriage and went through therapy and counseling.

#But after being hurt twice, I had to get my validation because this was really very hard on me - I made out /heavy petting with 5 different men, possibly for around 6years but meeting each only twice.

I felt alive and happy and validated . I didn’t want to go to any of them to the next level to intercourse with any of them.

I am done now and don’t want to do anything anymore. Just want to be able to live my life. He and I have both promised to not have any more secrets or lies between us.

I guess I survived through infidelity by doing infidelity myself.

Are my affairs similar or any different from my husband?

We are both sober for over 3 yrs now but i keep thinking about it.

I know it’s weird but I think I am better cos I didn’t have intercourse. Or he is better cos he had only 2 APs as immature as it is.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2023   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8777130

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Hi Popshack, and welcome to SI.

Seems as if you are a new member and I don't want to come off as rude, however, your question makes no sense to me. If I was comparing the misdeeds of two people and asked you, "Who was the better murderer?" or "Better child molester" or "Better rapist"... don't those seem like kind of odd comparisons to make? Would you like to sit next to the "better" rapist on the bus? He's not as bad as the bad rapist after all.

You are looking at this as if it were some kind of contest. He did something bad, and you did something bad, but if what he did was worse, then somehow you'll feel better about yourself? It just doesn't work that way.

Infidelity, despite its reputation, isn't about other people. Other people get hurt, sure, but that's an outcome, a consequence... it isn't the "reason" for the affair.

Affairs happen because people are broken. It happens when we don't have healthy boundaries. When we don't have self-respect. We didn't have the integrity, morals or decency to do better. Yes, you cheated on your husband, but first, you cheated on yourself.

Let me ask you a silly question... if she was still alive... and if someone went up to the Queen of England and suggested a romp in the back of a car, do you think she'd join in? Or would she slap the guy across the face, call him a scumbag and call the guards? I can pretty much guarantee you it would have been the latter. But why? Because the queen has more respect for herself than to degrade and demean herself, her morals, her values, her position in life... she'd rather throw up than lower her standards and behave in such a base and disgusting way. That's who she is at her core. The queen doesn't cheat. Not because it would hurt someone else, but because she would never hurt herself in such a way. She has too much self-respect and integrity.

You and your husband are "the same" at cheating. You both disrespected yourselves, and each other, and the people you used in the pursuit of your own goals. You both lied. You both betrayed. You both lived double lives. You both acted selfishly and without concern for others. You both lacked empathy and integrity.

We all did. That's why we're here.

Now, since you are here in the first place, I assume that means that you are stressed out and hurting from the after effects of infidelity. And if that's the case, we're here to help. Many folks here have learned how to "find happy" again through good support and some tough self-honesty and a willingness to make some changes in life, but just the ones that are dragging you down. I encourage you to read some of the other posts on all of the forums, and try to get an idea of how others see what happened and how it affected them. You are certainly not alone.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1434   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8777155

 Popshack (original poster new member #82854) posted at 8:41 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Appreciate the forums and am glad to have chanced on this website. Appreciate the comments and the honesty. Nothing I did am proud of, at all. And no, never ever spiraling that path again ever. Just staying hopeful that our M and R works out and we work on it and ourselves every day..

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2023   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8777172

ConfusedWife2022 ( new member #80157) posted at 5:38 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Hi Popshack,
Imo, his is "worse" because if he didn't start, you'd probably not had your "affairs" (at least inappropriate behaviours). Good luck to your recovery!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8777669

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 7:12 AM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

I'm curious why you feel a need to determine which is worse.

Take my and my H's affairs as an example. They were a tangled, madhattering shit show back before we were married. He cheated on me first. He had a teenage gropefest for about 15 minutes with my SIL's BFF. He'd had a crush on her when he was younger, and when drunken opportunity knocked, he answered the door. He tried to confess the next time he saw me, but when he saw the panic rising in my eyes, he chickened out and said he'd only thought about it. He then let the lie stand for the next two years. During that time, he suggested that we could be open to seeing other people, hoping that if I took him up on it, it would soften the blow when he eventually came clean. I was brokenhearted and thought it meant he had one foot out the door.

About a year after his fling (and still in the dark about it), I became attracted to the guy who lived across the hall from me in college. I wrestled with this for a few months and then decided to tell BF that I'd like to take him up on his offer and date the new guy too. BF said it was fine as long as it stayed casual. We didn't specifically define what that meant, but it was pretty clear that it was PG-13 stuff; BF and I were first-and-onlies, both virgins when we got together. Over the next four months, while BF was working long distance saving up for our future, I got progressively more involved with the OM, and I ended up sleeping with him. I broke it off and told BF about the sex and "I love yous" the next time I saw him. However, I minimized the full extent of the EA/PA, in which OM and I were inseparable for the last two months.

BF was destroyed. He demanded that I go NC with OM. I refused, insisting we could be just friends. BF also came clean about his fling but considered it irrelevant in light of what I had done. He decided that he needed to get his own back by having an ONS with a girl he knew (telling me his intentions in advance). They got to the naked stage before he bailed because the whole thing felt gross and predatory.

I could go on and on about the unhealthy mess we made of our relationship, but the eventual outcome was that I went fully NC with OM, and BF and I got engaged. I let my lies stand for almost 30 years until BF (now BH) had a midlife crisis and asked for more detailed answers. I panicked and trickle truthed him for weeks before finally coming clean.

So who was worse? Well, he cheated first. He didn't ask about dating OW beforehand, and he didn't tell the truth afterwards. If he had, I might have been a free agent when I met OM. I was honest about starting to date OM and honest about the sex afterwards. However, my affair was far more extensive, and I lied for far longer. He had two APs, making him both the first and the last person in our relationship to be physically involved with someone else. However, he didn't have an EA with either one of them, while I fell for OM.

I have my opinion of who was worse, and so does he. Our opinions match, as it happens. But what is the value of comparing? Does arriving at an answer make either or both partners more willing to do the work? Does it help you heal? Or does it drop both of you into a warm bath of victimization and self-justification, where you deflect your attention to each other's transgressions instead of diving into your own?

When you focus on who was worse, it distracts you from how to become better. So again, I'm curious: why do you want to know?


posts: 3625   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8778385

 Popshack (original poster new member #82854) posted at 5:18 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

Not sure, @BraveSirRobin. I wanted to ask if my husband and I are any different from each other and instead titled it as " am I worse or is he worse".

I am mostly ok and we are mostly happy and fine. Sometimes I get triggered by the past memories and it floods me so much. He never gets impacted like that- somehow he says it happened because you were in pain, so what. He has no issues or worries at all.

And, i occasionally go into a spiral thinking- am I bad cos I had more APs but some level of EA/PA or is he is bad cos he went all the way with EA/PA etc.

Again I must focus on the good that we have now but I guess this is something I have compartmentalized to Worry about every now and then. Or about what if it happens again? We have told each other that instead of hurting one another we will just leave the M should something happen in the future.

[This message edited by Popshack at 8:02 PM, Saturday, February 18th]

posts: 15   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2023   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8778413

AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 4:01 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

we will just leave the M should something happen in the future

That is what matters. If you have reached emotional equilibrium and are again committed to each other then dwelling on the past is a roadblock to future happiness

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8778468
Topic is Sleeping.
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