I made the biggest mistake a little over a year ago. I cheated on my wife of 7 yrs. It wasn't a lengthy affair. It was a weekend fling, a woman I work with, we were at a conference in California. I admit, this woman is beautiful, I definitely lusted after her. She and I would chat at work, there was an obvious attraction, but never did I think to act on it.
My wife and I had a strong marriage. I didn't feel neglected, we had a great sex life. I was (still am ) very much in love with her. I will do absolutely ANYTHING to get her back. The divorce happened so, quickly So when I read there are signs, there may be cheating on the horizon. Not always. I was weak, I was attracted to this woman physically, she was my fantasy type. The affair happened after a night of having dinner, and drinks at the hotel. I honestly didn't have the plan to cheat. I walk her back to her room. We stood outside in the hall, talking for thirty minutes or longer. We ended up kissing, We ended up in her bed. We had sex Twice that night. I take responsibility, I was so wrong. I ended it. Immediately. I'm married, she was single. I hate myself because I blew up my Ex-wife's life.
After the weekend, I was full of guilt, I didn't tell my wife, because I was so afraid of losing her. The woman I cheated with, wanted to continue this affair. I refused, and she called my wife! She went vile, she tried to ruin my career. I was suspended from the company because I had an inappropriate relationship with a worker under me. My wife undoubtedly was blindsided and devastated.
My actions caused my wife physical harm. It's hard for me to talk about, and I absolutely hate myself for what I caused. My wife ended up moving back to our home state t be near family and friends. She and I relocated because for 4 years she had a stalker, she was harassed, followed, and terrorized by this man. Once she returned, the stalking began again. It gradually escalated. the restraining order didn't matter to him. I didn't know of this, her family didn't know either, she says she felt ashamed, and she felt her moving back was a burden on the family enough. So she said nothing. She was Beaten and raped by this man. I take all responsibility because if I were a good husband, my wife would not have been back in our hometown, working an overnight shift, to save money for an apartment, when she had a home. She would have never encountered this man. If I were faithful. I had not been so disgusting. So weak.
It was several months after the attack, I found out. I found out after receiving the divorce papers, and me calling her sister. I also found out that this motherfucker got her pregnant.
My wife refused to see me, refused to speak to me. We have a now 4-year-old son, but during all of this, she had a mediator, that's how determined she was to never interact with me. I sent money to an account for our son's finances. I had zero interactions with my wife. I missed her. I lost my mind!! I never had a chance to tell her I love her, I never said I was sorry. I was sorry for destroying our family. I would send flowers, I left voicemails until I got blocked from every number and social media platform. I have no closure. Not like I deserve it.
NOW. She now has a baby girl. By her rapist. She told my sister that she considered abortion, but couldn't go through with it. That traumatized her, and she's been in counseling, she has been struggling with everything, the pain I caused her, the pain, I put in her life. She has not spoken to me still. She recently moved back to Miami, I am close to my son. I thank god for this. She has a better job now. I support my son, and I want to send her money, but I don't think she would ever accept it.
She's now a single Mom, and she works really hard, around 60 or more hours a week. Her life is not how she planned, she was a stay-at-home Mom before I blew that up. Her family was angry she wanted to end the marriage because she had no money all because I was a weak man, a man that was disgusting and selfish. I'm drinking more than I should. I am still absolutely in love with my Ex-Wife. I miss my family (in-laws everyone). I miss her. I loved being married. I feel riddled with guilt, because she was raped, and violated. I was always her protector.
I miss my old life. I saw a photo of her with our son and the baby girl. Thanksgiving dinner. My brother and sister and parents swear on everything, this baby is MY daughter. The girl looks like me. I have been struggling with this possibility! It has me up at night. Trying to do math in my head, from the last time I made love to my wife, maybe I am the father. But that means this man raped her while she was pregnant with my baby girl. This is all destroying me. I cannot ever ask her. I have no right. I doubt she would even be in the same room as me, much less, talk about a baby that was conceived through rape.
I feel I am rambling. I do apologize. I just needed to vent. I needed to share my experience. Cheating ruins lives, it causes a domino effect of pain. My lusting after a blonde, who looked like a poster girl from my teens caused me to be weak, and literally kill my life. My Ex-wife could have been killed, she was violated. She has a child, who was conceived in a terrible way, and who is to say, in the future when this child grows up and learns of how she came to be, it may cause her to spiral! ALL because I was unfaithful.
I obsess over what I have done. I have always been a good person. I have never hurt anyone. I feel shocked, that the person I hurt, is the person I love the most. I don't even know ow HOW to even begin to explain to her I love her. I want to try and fix what I destroyed if she would have me. I will do anything she wants.
I want answers regarding this baby, not for selfish reasons, but because she deserves a father, she deserves for me to support her financially. I need to know. I know I don't have the right to ask my Ex anything. I may be out of line. I don't know. This is so surreal. I just see the photo, and she looks like me, she looks like our son. But I can't go on that.
Am I being delusional? I feel my wife was so hurt. She filed for divorce without thinking. I want to believe she still loves me. We were a good couple before this. Does it have to account for something? My mind is racing. I overthink this, I cannot even articulate what I want to say. I'm so sorry, I'm hurt, and I'm confused. Ashamed. I want to know how I can tell her I'm sorry. How I can start reconciliation? If she hates me. I just want to support her, I want to Co-Parent. I want to be good to my son.
Any advice? How to approach her? I'm just really lost.
I apologize for any and all grammar errors. my hands are literally shaking and my mind is racing. I need help. Please.