I have been lurking for a while, but today I need to post.
Brief background. 2020-2021 I had an online affair, I thought I fell in love, in retrospective, it was limerence. I gave the AP the better part of me, while my BW continued to love me and put up with it. In a virtual world, the EA was all but the physical act. I think it's under-selling that it was an EA. We virtually had sex, but didn't physically. Early last year I broke off with the EA to try and repair the marriage my way, but continued with virtual hookups. A month or two later (timeline is fuzzy) BW confronted me and asked me point blank (she has a few times before) and I admitted to the affair. This began the road of healing. There is much more to this story, but I will save that for another day.
Today BW stumbled across a video that someone had taken of the virtual world. The video was September 2020, and there was a live performer. Yes, BW was searching for something, but not expecting to find this. I was unaware of the video, when BW showed me, I perceived there was nothing new to disclose, just a video that only served to re-open wounds. At first she played it with no audio. I tried to hold her while she continued to watch it, asking her to stop. She perceived me holding her as me wanting to watch my old self. Far from it, I'm filled with disgust at what I did, and could only imagine the hurt she was feeling watching it.
Later I went to get dinner, and BW decided to re-watch with audio turned on. When I got back, she insisted on playing the audio and me listening - I requested a dedication to the AP, it was announced, "Love me tender" - she slammed the laptop down. Deep wound. She had heard a dedication from me to AP. Apparently there was a mismatch with timeline - I don't recall when I first professed love - I still don't recall. I don't recall when I said I thought I fell in love, BW says end of the year, but here in the video is me dedicating a love song - who can argue with that?
What is more, I dedicated a song - BW recalls that was something special I had done for her - and now another thing I had given away to the AP.
I detest what I did, I detest everything that happened with AP. I wish I could erase all that has happened. I have been so thankful of the forgiveness BW has shown me, and the progress we have made. But now this.
I'm not sure really if there's anything I'm asking, but a rant at myself for all I've done and all the hurt I've caused.
Thanks for listening.