SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 7 months ago... We're doing ok but some days (like today) are really hard.

I keep thinking that it's going to be this way forever.

That he's wasting his life staying and fighting, I have 2 questions:

1. How do you as the WS not feel like a monster.

2. Please someone tell me a successful reconciliation story or tell me where to find them.

In the Reconciliation forum, there's a pinned post entitled "Positive Reconciliation Stories." Many of the members in there went through the same despair you're feeling now and rebuilt their marriages to a strong and healthy place. Some of us are superstitious about posting there, either because we're afraid it might be false R or we don't want to draw attention to our good fortune. But occasionally, one of us works up the courage to describe our happiness.

Remember, too, that most of the couples who happily reconcile do not stick around on SI. There are certainly exceptions, but most reach a point where they need to move on and allow the A to take a less central role in their lives.

The best thing for hope is action.

The only action you have control over is the degree in which you work on yourself. Figure out why you did this and use that as a list of clues as to what you can make stronger about yourself.

When I was at your stage I could only think about the outcome of the relationship. I was desperate to save it. And that has its place, I am not saying it doesn’t. Read about what successful rebuilders do.

But moreso look at what you can do each day to be a better you. Earning back a relationship is a gargantuan effort that starts with the relationship you have with yourself.

I would suggest IC, journaling, reading about ares you know you want to improve. Reading is a good start because you don’t know what you don’t know.

There is hope but the best thing is to think about what tracks you want to start laying so you can continue to build yourself, this relationship, or one in the future. Hang in there and keep posting.

Hope54321

I'm in year 6 of reconciliation. There is hope. I know it may feel hopeless, and endless, and I think most WS's can relate to that feeling of being a monster. It's a very ugly way to feel, and it can be difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel when everything right now seems so dark. That is why so many of us end up buried in shame. It's tough to feel good about yourself, or about anything really, when all that seems to be coming at you right now seems to be so negative.

One of your instincts right now might be to do all you can to help your spouse, to do whatever you can to make them happy, and of course, you should be doing that whenever it is possible. But the truth is, both spouses, especially in the first year or two (generally speaking) need to heal on their own before they can heal as a couple. Your spouse just had their world pulled out from under them. Where they once had a sense of trust and safety, they now feel lost, because they no longer CAN trust, they no longer CAN feel safe, and that is a trauma of the highest order. Right now, you are the person they trust least of all, and so that really limits how much you can help or even merely comfort them. That being the case, how can you be of help to them?

Well, a good place to start is to with yourself. Suppose you got mugged, and the next day, the mugger asks you to trust him. Would you? Of course not, why should you? What about that mugger is so very different from yesterday that you should even consider trusting him in any way? But let's say a year or two passes. During that time, the mugger goes to anger management classes, and he also joins a program to help the victims of muggers. He turns himself in voluntarily, pleads guilty, owns his actions and the consequences, and does his time for his crime. He goes back to school, gets his degree, gets a good job, and performs well. He starts a foundation for victims of muggers, and takes a job cleaning up the streets in rough neighborhoods so that he watch out for others, and encourage people heading down a bad path to take a new one. He pays your hospital bills without question and checks in now and then to see how you are doing, and apologizes without excuses. Now would you possibly consider trusting him just a tiny bit?

How we handle our regrets makes a huge difference. Not just to others, but within ourselves, for ourselves. Take this time to figure out who you and who you want to be. Think of people that you really admire in life, people that you would love to emulate. What do you respect about them? Are they kind? Honest? Authentic? Show humility? Empathetic? Sacrificing? Confident? People that never quit? Whatever it is that you find inspiring and worthy of respect in others, are things that you need to create and grow within yourself. Tired of being called a liar? Be honest to a fault instead, to the point of throwing yourself under the bus if you deserve it. Want to stop feeling like a monster? Then go be a hero instead. Work at a dog shelter, read books to kids at the library, donate to a good cause, whatever it is that makes you feel just a teensy bit good about yourself and what you are putting out into the world. Do things that make you proud of yourself. No excuses anymore.

Will this save your marriage? There is no telling, and you may end up becoming the most perfect person in the world and it still might not be enough. The thing is, once you learn to love yourself, you will be able to love others in a genuine and authentic way again, and when that happens, you will be okay with whatever happens, because you will be able to advocate for your spouse to do whatever they need to in order to feel whole and safe again, and knowing that you will be okay no matter what allows that to happen. Loving yourself, and being your best, removes all the anchors from you that have been dragging you down. You never have to carry the burden of a lie or secret. You don't have to watch your devices and cover your tracks and look over your shoulder and live every second of every day in fear of being found out, because there is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, nothing to protect.

One last quick tip... FWIW, give things such as meditation, mindfulness and yoga a try if you don't already. I always thought they were silly hoo-doo, but my goodness, even just a few seconds of learning to center yourself can calm you down, remove anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, and allow you to focus rather than react. We all have days where it is all just too much. The goal now is to find tools that help you to cope instead of responding in inappropriate ways. Give it a shot, can't hurt. :)