Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

General :
The pain does eventually subside but took 2 years for me.

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 JAR171 (original poster new member #78408) posted at 2:46 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

2 Years Ago:

So after 19 years of marriage without issue, something was off. She was distant, standoffish, and moody so I started getting suspicious. Checked her Google locator and it kept showing her at a particular deli and an apartment complex. I had no idea what this meant so I purchased a tiny GPS/Audio recorder and one day when she was acting weird, I slipped it into her purse. It calls you back and you hear the mic on your phone. Well, I missed the call back so my voicemail recorded 4 minutes of them having sex, rough sex to boot. She says she doesn't hear it, OMG! Then I figured out that the drugstore she went to that day and was only gone 20 minutes so he had to be close. I noticed a guy smoking outside the deli right across the street that originally showed up in Google locator. Turns out he also lives at the apartment complex that showed on Google as well. Hmm, coincidence? Highly unlikely. Just one week ago I discovered he moved and bought a condo and wouldn't you know it, it showed up in her Google maps. She denies everything and says I'm insane, it's a nightmare even when I explain that these are the only GPS entries that she can't explain and all 3 are his? Give me a break. She absolutely will never admit it without a video and it's hurting me so much worse and making me nuts.

UPDATE; 2 years later (today):

Even though she denies all of it still to this day through undeniable proof, I offer good news, the pain does subside eventually and is replaced by what I can only describe as total numbness towards her. We are selling the house and going our separate ways. And a mutually agreed divorce to follow. I have to say however the one thing that still kills me to this day is her lack of honesty or remorse after a 20-year marriage and 2 sons. I feel like she may only apologize when I'm on my death bed one day, but not counting on it. So hang in there, I promise, it will get better. I never however will be able to understand how this woman, my best friend, and partner for 20 years can live with herself. She destroyed our family in the process. I have come to the conclusion that I never really knew her, she's not a good person at all. I live by my conscience so cant comprehend her at all. Dont want to anymore. Stay strong.

[This message edited by JAR171 at 2:48 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021   ·   location: MA
id 8700080
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:30 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

A theory is that if they aren't remorseful and deny everything, it's because they've grown accustomed to breaking the brain barrier for infidelity (and there is a strong physical brain barrier people must break through in order to commit the toxic transgression of adultery).

If they've grown accustomed to this -- and deny everything and continue to gaslight -- it could be because they've done it repeatedly.

If they've done it repeatedly, that makes them deeply narcissistic (to say nothing of potentially BPD) and borderline sociopathic serial cheaters. You're better off in life without a serial cheater, even if you didn't suspect it before.

Bottom line: you're way better off moving forward without someone who can't admit the basics of their own transgressions and probably would do it again. You probably didn't know her, and at midlife the authentic individual usually emerges. For some people, that is a liberating and positive experience. But if the person is a narcissist, the ugly person they really are emerges fully and it's a scary process for those around them.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8700140
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 3:50 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Don't wait for the apology. It won't be literal and won't be heartfelt, it will be selfish and false. People like her don't feel the same way, they can't, it's narcistic and selfish and all about them. They won't feel ANYTHING until standing before the List of Life and St. Peter is reading off their activity. THEN, and only then, will they fall to their knees and ask for heartfelt forgiveness, because the hard reality of their life choices and what they did to others in the name of selfishness won't be apparent to them before that.
None of us are wholly holy and without sin. We all contain the trappings of bad faith, stupidity, selfishness and duplicity. Some of us just take it to extremes. All we can do is realize that, ask God for forgiveness (until we do it again), and hope he is actually the God of love and forgiveness instead of anger and righteousness. I am frail and mistake-prone. But, I am also compassionate and loving. Not everyone can handle that.

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8700148
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 3:50 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 3:51 PM, Thursday, November 25th]

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8700147
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