Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
“Tear-stained letter”

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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 9:48 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Hello, folks. I hope you are all doing well, or at least better.

I haven’t checked in for a long time. The reason I’m here today is that the trauma was stirred up by an email from the X. It wasn’t a classic "tear-stained letter" but close enough to use the phrase - since I love the song by that name by Richard Thompson.

I didn’t read all of it. All I read was "I did love you." And there was stuff about finding some kind of reconciliation. I stopped reading. I’ve been as "non-contact" as possible since the divorce for my own peace of mind. I’m angry and upset to get her email after I’ve told her I don’t want contact. It brings everything up again. She continues to be clueless about this.

Those of you who have had unwanted contact from an X know the feeling - I’m re-traumatized, angry, wanting to respond, to shove some reality in her face, i.e. Contacting me causes pain, that’s why "no-contact." Get a fucking clue. There is not going to be a Disney ending to this.

But, I know it would be useless, she doesn’t understand and will never understand.

but, I know YOU folks will understand.

Just needed to let off some steam. Thanks,

[This message edited by BeeBee64 at 10:27 PM, Wednesday, September 29th]

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8690919
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 11:39 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Vent away. Totally understand your anger. I remember your story. Your WW was very cruel and cold. Remember, the letter is for her to feel better about what she has done. Your WW is all about appearances and can’t we be friends. Is she still with her AP bike riding POS? It doesn’t matter. She put you through hell. Are you still in the Ukraine or are you back closer to her geographically.? No contact is the best way. Ignore her attempted contact and vent here if you need. Hope your kids are doing well. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2830   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690939
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:16 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Just block her on everything. No contact is up to you.

I get it. It’s been awhile and you are past her and don’t need this.

This is probably the ‘Let’s be friends spiel’. Do it for the kids bullshit.

The reality is this would be for her not you.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:18 AM, Thursday, September 30th]

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690959
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:20 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690960
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:22 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Since you’re here I hope everything is going well for you.

Dump a cheater you do get your life back.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690962
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 6:53 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Hello again, Mars! Fareast - I’m still living in Ukraine. I went back for June to the city where the X and my son live. I didn’t see her, but it was depressing to be there because of her presence and because I was seeing mutual friends and sometimes doing things (Friday night movies at a certain friend’s house) that we used to do, and that I last attended post-breakup and in a far worse shape.

So, I vowed I will never return there. I’ll continue renting out the house, or maybe selling it, but there’s no way I’m returning to that area when I leave Ukraine.

Kids are doing ok. I’m worried about my son. I can say more about that later.

I don’t know if X is still with Bike Boy. I have no information about her life. I got more than I wanted from that quick glance at the email. She’s in a national park on the west coast (so probably biking) and nostalgic about the time we were there together. So, that means she’s visiting our daughter on the west coast. So, I just pieced together she (and Bike Boy?) were the vaguely-referred-to couple staying in the upstairs guest room last week when a tree fell on my daughter’s house during a storm. And she will probably visit my cousin on the west coast with whom she has kept up a friendship. Which annoys me. All this information I do not want buzzing around in my head.

Marz is right, from the glimpse I got she is doing the "lets be friends" and "for the kids," and it’s all about her feeling better about herself. I’m not falling for that.

She’s been good about no-contact until this. There were a couple of necessary emails -one about house records, another about taxes, which is why I haven’t blocked her email entirely. But, since she’s done this, I’ll block her.

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8690995
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:01 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Your no response tactic to her is the best.

Block her and this won’t happen again.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691009
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 12:14 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

X’s email now blocked.

Such bad timing on her part. I’m already having trouble sleeping because of an upcoming procedure to remove a spot of skin cancer on my face.

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8691013
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:38 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish you luck in your healing.

Are you enjoying life in Ukraine? I haven't traveled much internationally, so it is almost unreal for me to consider something like that. Not a county high on the list to visit for many Americans, but we may be missing out. I hope you have made friends and are enjoying your experiences.

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8691015
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:13 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Thanks for the update. Great that she is now blocked. Best for your healing and moving forward. She is the type who would never stop trying to get you to make her feel better about her betrayal. Great that you will never fall for it. No contact.

I agree with Tigersrule77, I hope you are enjoying your time in the Ukraine and making friends. Impressive that you have taken on this adventure far from home. Good luck with your health procedure. Keep on, keepin on.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2830   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8691017
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:38 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Look into any avenues that need blocked. Phone, addresses, etc. I’d inform the kids and family to never give out your contact email.

This is typical cheater fare. Most think the world revolves around them. Let poor muffin go and be totally free, laugh

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691056
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:06 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

And she will probably visit my cousin on the west coast with whom she has kept up a friendship. Which annoys me. All this information I do not want buzzing around in my head.

I’ve seen this many times. If they see nothing wrong with her actions against you then they have picked her over you. Make no mistake about that. Hence, they are just acquaintances. Nothing more. You are better off without them.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691063
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 8:01 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Thanks! Since you ask - Ukraine is awesome!

I always wanted to live and work abroad. Everyone I know who has lived in another country was enriched by the experience.

In many ways Ukraine is like Europe was in the 50s. It’s cheap, the food is fantastic, it is picturesque but rough around the edges, not gentrified. I’m still struggling with the language. Unlike Western Europe, few people speak English well, but translation apps take care of a lot of problems - like trying to figure out what’s inside a box on the supermarket shelf.

I don’t need a car, I’m 10 minutes from a subway station, I am within walking distance of supermarkets, a bazar, restaurants, my barber, an upscale shopping mall, a movie theatre, countless little cafes, coffee-houses and coffee-kiosks, street-food. The setting is exotic: the surrounding architecture is a mix of ultra-modern, Soviet-era, 1890s-1915 Italianate and Art-Noveau, with the occasional Napoleonic-War era fortification and pear-domed Orthodox church or monastery, the oldest of which date back to the 11th century.

There is usually no more than a 3-minute wait for a subway train. By subway I can go to the public beach (on the river), or to larger suburban-style box stores (a bit like Home Depot), the train depot, or anywhere else in the city. There are also busses and old-fashioned tramways.

I’ve made a few friends. It’s been difficult to have a social life in the pandemic. It’s an odd thing in Ukraine, but I’ve found no love-interest. Sort of like starving in the land of plenty. I do have a very good friend who meets a lot of my emotional needs, but she is much younger and is not interested in more than friendship. We meet online regularly so I can practice the language, but most of the time we unwind about our troubles.

I recently tried out a dating app, and got a big response. But, replying to these women was painfully difficult. I avoided it, hoping they would go away. Lol.

Maybe I’m just not ready to expose myself to another relationship where I could get hurt, manipulated, betrayed.

I did meet one of the dating-app women and she’s ok. We share an interest in exploring the city. I can’t say there was a spark between us, though.

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8691084
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 8:20 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:38 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

“Look into any avenues that need blocked. Phone, addresses, etc. I’d inform the kids and family to never give out your contact email.”

I blocked her on social media. Phone numbers are all new. Kids know the drill, they’ve been pretty good, avoiding even mentioning her. I’ve no doubt the X is pushing the idea that I’m being unreasonable, but so far, the kids have stayed out of it.

[This message edited by BeeBee64 at 8:21 PM, Thursday, September 30th]

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8691089
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:11 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Good job!!! Under the circumstances this is a great experience for you. There is a lot to explore and experience in that part of the world. Lower cost too.

Travel and accommodations are fairly cheap from what I’ve seen. Plus there are a lot of other countries close by.

How’s the teaching job going? I’m sure you’re getting better at it.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691100
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:23 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’ve no doubt the X is pushing the idea that I’m being unreasonable, but so far, the kids have stayed out of it.

It’s totally out of poor muffins control laugh

It would be great once you’ve settled in more if the kids could come over for a holiday. I’m sure they love that.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691102
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Thanks, Marz! Teaching is getting easier, especially once I got away from the agency that first hired me. They were particularly nightmarish. I’m friends with another American who started teaching with them at the same time and had an even worse experience with them. He quit before I did and is now living in Kyiv also. We joke about that agency all the time.

My daughter and her husband had a provisional plan to come visit in the summer. Maybe we’ll go to one of those neighboring countries. I was planning to do more regional travel, but the pandemic put a hold on those plans. I’m probably pretty safe from Delta. I had covid last March, and I got vaccinated in June. I’ve seen many accounts of vaccinated people getting Delta, but none of vaccinated Covid survivors getting it.

Take care - and if you come to Ukraine, I’ll show you around.

posts: 236   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8691208
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