Topic is Sleeping.
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
Me and my wife have been married for 25 years. We have had good times and bad. Bad due to my infidelity early on in our marriage. Marriage has been thru a lot. Been together since high school. 2 kids and a grandson on the way. We have dealing with some issues since I October of last year. I thought things between us was good until about 2 weeks ago. We get into an argument after our younger daughters graduation and she tells me that she can't say anything about my family and our oldest daughter without me blowing up. Then she tells me don't worry about it because she has someone that she can talk to. I didn't pay it any mind until last weekend when I decided to look at her watch and see where she sent a pic of a guy to her girlfriend from college and I noticed an email notification. I checked her email on her tablet and saw that she had been talking to someone from a site called am which I found out later was Ashley Madison. I look thru her history and found out she has a profile with her pic and info about married looking for a friend. My heart just dropped. I haven't confronted her on it. And she still acts like everything is fine between us. I want to sit back and see how things at out. But I'm afraid that I may be setting myself up for more hurt.
guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:06 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
Don't tell her what you know and how you know when you confront her. You can start by asking what she did mean by saying she has someone to talk to. You can listen to what she has to say without saying what you know.
Of course, when she sees that you are suspicious, she can also delete the evidence and start acting more carefully.
SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 4:26 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
I'd just flat out ask her: what the hell are you doing with a profile on Ashley Madison - the cheating site?
"Life is short have an affair" is their slogan.
This is pretty serious OP, your wife is either having an affair or trolling for an affair. Your marriage is in trouble.
Buckle up OP, going to be a bumpy ride. Sorry man.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
She has a profile on a site dedicated to cheaters. What else do you need? Blow this shit up now.
Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 7:20 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
deleted double post
[This message edited by Justaguy61 at 5:36 AM, Friday, July 2nd]
Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 7:20 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
While I understand those suggesting blow it up now... I have to agree that you should go underground with this and gather as much evidence as possible. Obtain at least one if not more Voice Activated Recorders and place where she is likely to have phone calls. Access all her social media and see what you can find. Some people have had affairs for years and their SO never knows/has no idea. Talk to an attorney to find out what you life would look like if a divorce happens. Once you have ALL your ducks in a row confront her.
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
This wreaks of serial cheating. You can’t fix this. See an attorney. A good one.
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:07 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
There's something wrong with your wife, definitely!
Have you confronted her about it? Has she gone on dates via those dating sites? Did she ever contacted the guy? Was it ever physical with anybody?
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 7:38 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
We had a conversation this morning. She says that she felt as if i shut her out when she really needed me when it came to the situation with our oldest daughter. And that i was concerned about everyone except for her. So now she says she has a wall built up and it's going to take time to let it down. Since we were being honest i was waiting to see if she was going to mention anything about Ashley Madison. She didn't. So I didn't say anything. I do have pics of the people that she has contacted and those that have contacted her and pics of emails also. I saw this morning where she did a Facebook search on one of the guys. I want to be an ass because I have the personal email of one and the phone number of another. I also saw in her search history that she's been searching for hotels near her job. I'm so hurt right now. But I'm trying to act as if everything is normal so that she doesn't suspect thatch know anything.
SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:50 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
By not confronting her now, is your strategy to gather more evidence so when you do confront you know she's cheating?
That's a strategy often recommended here. The problem with it in your marriage, is if she hasn't cheated yet, you're going to watch/let it happen when you could have stopped it.
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 8:45 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
@SnowToArmPits. You're right. I thought about that today. I could stop it now. Because if I don't it's going to lead to more hurt when she does. Right now everything from what I can tell has been only chat. Nothing physical.
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Just don't tell her where you're getting your evidences. She might be more careful in the future. Cheaters will do anything to do what they do. If you confront her and she shows remorse then tell her your conditions in order to rebuild your marriage, otherwise she will just continue to be a wayward.
KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Oh geez, sorry, man. That's not good.
I'm sympathetic to the "I'm gathering data" approach but I can tell you one thing for certain-- nothing is for certain. The worst thing to do is ignore this.
Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill
BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place
ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I think you're playing with fire, man. If you're inclined to get a divorce, sure... give her enough rope (proverbially speaking) and let her hang herself. If proving adultery will get you a better settlement, contact an attorney, allow him/her to refer you to a good PI, and get what you need to light her up in court. That's a sound strategy if you want a divorce and if divorcing on grounds is a thing in your jurisdiction.
If not though, there's no point in playing games. You might hold off until you can do the confrontation with the aid of a therapist. Your WW left the door open for that when she admitted she's got "a wall". But even then, I think you'd need a compelling reason to wait. Maybe you're conflict avoidant or whatever, then yeah.. get a therapist involved. This is your wife of 25 years though. I think it's likely you can handle the confrontation.
If you feel like you've caught her before she's actually met up with someone, it doesn't make sense to wait until she goes through with it. Not unless divorce is your goal. If you want to stay together, it's better to limit her ability to further damage the marriage. And yeah, we all have grievances, things we feel resentful about after a long marriage, but not all of us look to solve those problems with some outside person's genitals, right? Once that has happened, the chances for R are markedly less.
It's your choice, but if it were me and I wanted a D, I'd see and attorney and collect evidence. If I wanted R, I'd confront and demand change. You can still walk if she's non-compliant. These days, we don't need grounds to get out of a bad marriage.
SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 9:11 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
OP a strategy that sometimes works for men in your situation that don't want to confront is to go their own way in the marriage.
You start going out nights without her, can be with friends, can be with a hobby group, playing sports, exercise. Don't engage her at home, no need to be mean, just start to ignore her. Up your game with your clothes, haircut, start working out hard.
Your wife will pick up on this, she'll see you'll be fine without her, and wonder if you're in the process of replacing her. She may make a beeline back to cementing the two of you as a couple.
The upside of this is if you do split up, you've got a leg up being happier as a single man.
BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 9:39 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
[This message edited by BindassBP at 3:46 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]
ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 9:46 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
If your WW has problems with the marriage, she can sit you down, talk and resolve those issues, or she can D you.
Sleeping with someone else don’t solve any marital issues. Affairs are born from selfish reasons only.
Confront her. Don’t shout but be firm. As long as you are calm and firm, you are in control. She can date anyone she wants but not as your wife. You take 50% of the blame for marital issues. You take 0% of the blame for an Affair.
A marriage is based on trust. You know she plans on having an A. She needs to come clean and tell you everything. Anything less and means no trust. No trust, no marriage.
Don’t tell her what you know and how.
Don’t give her an ultimatum unless you’re ready to go through.
Don’t be emotional in front of her, be dead serious. You can cry alone in your car if you wish.
Do this ASAP.
Good luck andpost often.
I plan on living forever. So far so good
asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
If you decide on divorce and your lawyer tells you adultery has no impact on the outcome then I’d lay my cards on the table. Tell her you’re filing and you would appreciate it if she stuck to her vows until it’s final. Tell her you’d prefer not to have to think of your children’s mother as a cheater for the rest of your life, and if she forces that situation that you won’t feel compelled to lie to others about it.
I make edits, words is hard
guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:21 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Right now everything from what I can tell has been only chat. Nothing physical.
There's a difference between knowing there's nothing physical and not knowing there's something physical.
Do you have proof that there is nothing physical?
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 10:46 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I don't want to divorce her. I love her very much. I just want this to stop before it goes any further. I want to ask her who was she talking about when she said she had someone she could talk to.
Topic is Sleeping.