jadedangel ( member #26979) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
my ex and I had a lot of problems before I cheated, we had been in a dead bedroom for over half our relationship, and he broke up with me for a week in the months before he moved, but we got back together. We had had some conversations and he had implied in one that he wanted to be single or in an open relationship while he was away for work, than just being in a LDR with me.
You know the answer. He hasn't wanted the relationship for awhile. Let this relationship go. There were already issues there and now you have added more complications on top of those issues.
Instead of wasting any more of your mental health on getting him back, just focus on you. You need your mental health back on track so that you can be a better person.
EXWH died 2011
JungAdmirer ( new member #47685) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
BH here... By his actions your BH has placed you back in the group of potential partners. He is free to date and you are free to date. I can speak for my own case and perhaps shades of your BH. 1) He likely doubts he can discern honesty, character and integrity in people, as he was not able to ascertain it in you. 2) He dates to review the group of eligible partners. You are in this group and he has full knowledge of your loving and betraying behavior. If he believes his picker is broken, he may settle for the devil he knows (that's why he back burnered you). This is the gift of infidelity... infidelity breaks people at their core and they doubt themselves for a very long time, perhaps forever.
3) I would work on yourself and move on. If serendipity brings you back for another chance, perhaps you can honor the trust and faith placed in you next time.
sissi1898 (original poster new member #79120) posted at 2:04 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
Thank you, all. I had therapy today (I've been doing it weekly since my therapist got back in town) and I'm starting to feel better about being dumped, like much less devastated and desperate to get back together. I'm also starting to understand the issues in our relationship before I cheated.
Ironically(?), I don't know if I could get back together with him when he went on a date just one week after breaking up with me, and plans on going on more (and presumably sleeping with whoever while I'm sitting here waiting). He said he's lonely, and I guess to him the only way to abate that is to sleep with/date other people. He said he wants me to be happy, and to him that means me dating other people. He won't even try to see my perspective on those being incompatible with possible R, he gets so upset if I suggest that, he just shuts down and tells me I'm wrong. He has his own issues that I know he won't work on unless someone prods him to, because he doesn't think he has any problems in his coping skills.
I either attract or am attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable (whether in romantic relationships or not) for whatever reason. I'm pretty highly emotional, so it rarely goes well. I'm often taking on the brunt of the emotional labor and mental load for people who wouldn't do the same for me. It makes me sad that it took a terrifying manic episode and me doing something horrible to realize all this.
But basically, I'm becoming more disillusioned with my ex and no longer romanticizing everything. I still love him a lot, but I don't want to put myself yet again in the position of begging another person to love me and care about me. I'm pretty scared of the future, but everyone's been telling me it'll be okay.
TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 10:26 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021
If you continue on, the relationship will become more toxic. Your boyfriend sounds like he has real problems dealing with anger and relationships in general. I recommend you break it off and work on yourself.
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:16 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
Both of you should move on and I hope that is what is happening now. There is no reason to maintain contact. You should do that immediately if not already done. I don't know the details of your story. We only get your side of it. But you did cheat and I would certainly tell your boyfriend to move on based on the little information provided. Your relationship is short and there are no children. It is just not wise to pursue the relationship after it has been so severely wounded. Seriously work on yourself. Only time will tell if you learned anything from your ONS. I hope you did. Beware of allowing your therapist to make excuses for what you did. It will only enable you to do it again with someone else. Learn from your behavior and you will be much happier in the long run. By staying true to the relationship you stay true to yourself. Good luck to you.