GreenRanger21 (original poster new member #78987) posted at 3:52 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021
Hope you are all having a good week; mine has been so-so. I am currently dealing with some difficulties because my morale is a bit low, and I wonder about some of the things you WS do to stay motivated and engaged with the journey of healing. Especially when the journey feels like an exercise of futility when it comes to saving your relationship with your BS.
I know that I am not doing this for any specific outcome with regard to my marriage - I gave up that choice when I chose to be unfaithful, but I also don't want to give off the impression that I have given up hope, and I am trying to spend more time reading and doing things that keep me motivated to do better and be better for my own sake, and not because I think it will keep my BS around.
Any advice is appreciated!
foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 1:17 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021
Hey me again.
Especially when the journey feels like an exercise of futility
Do you really feel this way? Why wouldn't this journey be worthwhile? I made this journey personal, as much as I wanted to make things right for my BH, I wanted more to not be a shitty person anymore. I was sick of myself, it went beyond the cheating. I took stalk of my character and values and weighed it against what healthy and truly happy looks like. The scales were tiped. It was ugly, I was ugly. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
When you are confronted with this version of yourself on such a scale, it's really hard to put it back in a box. And what would be the point. The truth is out and it would be a huge waste of your life to go back. This is an opportunity for you. I felt that I owed it to myself first and foremost to give myself a chance, give myself my own gift. Thats what I took personal.
You must feel somewhere inside yourself the same? That you've been walking down a path thats not been healthy for you, that you've been disrespectful towards yourself for far too long? Even deep in the throes of infidelity and the hardships it brings to everyone involved, there was a quiet whisper reminding me I'm worthwhile to take on. I had to make time for it.
And you know, it's not going to come out with a big bang, I mean sometimes it does, but there's too much of other things happening and in need of your attention. Its a slow walk up that hill. You will get more comfortable and you'll pick up the pace, then you'll hit your stride. Just don't let giving up on yourself be an option. You'll find motivation along the way to keep you going. You just need the courage to keep seeking.
33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.
GreenRanger21 (original poster new member #78987) posted at 10:52 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021
I probably shouldn't have used those words exactly - I would never give up on the journey of being a better man every day becauselike you said - the truth is finally out there and I can finally stop hiding in my own shame and self-loathing. Which is a relief in its own right to say the least.
I really feel as if this is an opportunity to catalyze a new relationship with myself and I was just expressing the stress and struggle of the circumstances I find myself in being new to this and still prone to wayward trains of thought. I am getting much better at recognizing when those thoughts occur though! Although it is not always in the moment, usually at the end of the day through reflection.
I guess I am just expecting to begin....
Feeling a certain way? Like as if I'll suddenly have this epiphany and the work will get easier, but I know that is a silly thing to hope for because my experience is exactly like you described - a long, uphill battle with myself and no shortage of slips and slides on the way up, but I won't give up.
Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 10:10 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021
You post a good question. I think at this point you have to be safe and you have to show your work. What I mean by this is that just stopping to do bad things isn’t going to be enough. You have to do positive things do you have to show that you were considering her feelings. You have to go out of your way to show that you’re working.
Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 9:07 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021
My advice is find a more inclusive reason to be a better person- what I mean is don’t just be better to win back anybody! You should live a better life and do what you know is right even though it might not help you get back what you threw away. It is the most healthy long term approach!
Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 5:50 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021
I know this is overwhelming. Trust me, I’ve been there. I think your motivation Has to be the desire to be a better person for yourself and for your spouse. If you start thinking about anything other in the process you will likely fail. I was so caught up on saving my marriage and not getting divorced, etc. etc. but sometimes the actual road in front of me didn’t get the attention it deserved. Stay in the moment and do the right thing every minute. I think it’s hard to find motivation when the task seems so daunting. Make the task much smaller. Ask yourself how can I help right now, what can I do this hour to make my spouses life better. How can I show her right now. The future Mountain you have to claim can be daunting.