Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Husband emotional cheating with ex, child involved

Topic is Sleeping.
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 27Heartbroken12 (original poster New Member #79068) posted at 11:38 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

Been a month I stumbled across messages to his ex, where he said "can't believe how much he stil loves her", and spoke of how he misses her, hasn't seen her in 3 years. We are in different countries, so the last time he saw her was almost 3 years ago. He says nothing happened. Ex has a child with him who is preteen now. Our stepchild visits during long school holidays. I wasn't aware that they now chat/ coparent on social forum. I'm sure that's not the problem anyway, since they have a child, they should use best form of communication while observing necessary boundaries. They used to communicate on email, and now I see that that form of communication was kept on because it worked for the ex who was married at the time.

From what I could see the communications are not constant like twice a month, over a period of 6 months. It would also seem that he started it. She only replied with kiss emojis. He says he doesn't love her, and I know that, which isnwhy he never married her. His first explanation was that he was doing for the relationship with his child??? Now he says it was "him messing around" he didn't mean anything by it, he is sorry.

As far as I know of their relationship, they were not in a relationship, a pregnancy just happened due to some irresponsible decisions. This I was told at a time when there was nothing to lose. He also had a chance to be with her when she got pregnant and decided not to be with her.

I knew him prior to the pregnancy, but only dated him when his son was three years old.

I cannot express the shock, the grief I am in.

I am starting IC soon, hope that will help me clarify way forward. I suggested to him that he should consider IC as well, because due to this affair, I have come to the realization that there are many past instances that I just rugswept where his boundaries where lacking with women.

Having to dig deep I realise that he does not have appropriate boundaries with women. In those instances, he may not have physically cheated but he definitely was being emotionally inappropriate, letting women closer for a married man. I also think that he seeks too much validation from other women, I am not sure for ego or what, I cant figure out. So I have 2 problems. 1. Inappropriate boundaries with women

2. Emotional affair with ex (this one I don't think I can come back from). I am too wounded. I placed too much trust he was handling it appropriately. Having a forever ex was a challenge on its own, now this on top?

I have been reading here on the forum, and how the NC is important. How do you do that when there is a child?

I am so heartbroken. I didn't see this coming. Even though cheating is cheating, this feels like a double betrayal, even if I wanted to get past this, how do I, when I have a reminder for the rest of my life?

How do I get comfortable with future communications?

I have been so lost this past month. No one to talk to. I'm scared to talk with anyone, especially if it happens that we carry on.

My mind seems to be telling me to move on, for the sake of my sanity.

I am just so heartbroken about my 3 young kids, youngest is 2. I am angry that he didn't think of them.

Feel like a shell of myself. My real self got lost on the day of finding out.

I'm lost.

Found all of this out because he made a mistake and didn't lock his phone. Otherwise he has been secretive for a long time. I felt it for a long time that he was too protective of his phone, which is why I looked when I got the chance.

There might also have been more, but guess I will never know. I was too broken with this, I locked myself out, and he refused to open the phone, and said he was sorry, and would respond to what I needed to know.

He maintained he wouldn't give me the phone, because I could misinterpret other interactions/ conversations?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2021
id 8672392
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Mizzbak ( Member #64330) posted at 12:12 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I am so very sorry that you are going through this, 27HB.

Reading between the lines - there is a great deal more that you do not know. Your husband's refusal to open his phone to you shows that. If he didn't have anything more to hide, he would allow you to see it as often and as closely as you needed to.

Without a full disclosure from him, any reasonable person would find it impossible to trust him going forward. A weak promise to tell you what (he thinks) you need to know is not full disclosure - and it as pathetic an attempt to put you off from finding out the truth about his actions as it sounds. There is a very good reason why your heart and mind are telling you that you cannot go on like this with him. Especially when you have already built up a negative impression of his typical choices in observing boundaries with other women. And the added stress of trying to trust him to preserve some kind of NC/boundaried-lite with the mother of his son will not be sustainable unless he gives you full transparency.

What practical options do you have in your situation? How are you financially? Do you have a support system - family, friends? When are you seeing your IC?

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8672397
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:44 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

His first explanation was that he was doing for the relationship with his child??? Now he says it was "him messing around" he didn't mean anything by it, he is sorry.

Well, that's where I think you might want to start. Has he told his ex that he was "messing around", that it didn't mean anything?? Start there. He needs to write her an email (which you approve) or call her on the phone (in your presence) and tell her what he did. He needs to tell this woman that he was "messing around" with her emotions and that it didn't mean anything. After that, I think you're right, he needs to get into therapy so he can figure out why he's looking for external validation from women and casually disrespecting them in the process. He needs to figure out what his core values are and how to build boundaries around them.

My best advice to you would be to start by demanding that he take full responsibility for his behavior, and that means making amends to the people he's hurt and remediating the poor character which allowed him to play with other people's emotions. If he refuses, well.. that tells you a bit more about him, doesn't it?

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672409
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:47 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

He refused to let you see his phone? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

There appears to be more than what he is telling you. And most likely he has deleted everything by now anyway.

Stick with counseling for yourself. You need someone to talk to about this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8672420
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 27Heartbroken12 (original poster New Member #79068) posted at 10:38 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Thank you so much for the responses so far. Validates my thoughts, sometimes I wonder if I am asking for too much. I can't figure out how to post a reply as per each feedback.

I am fully financially independent. Good salary and good education to maintain a career, can take care of my self and kids, we would need to evaluate and split assets, properties etc. I know some say shouldn't stay for kids, but I am really struggling with the kids not having both parents. I understand it's not really my choice, and I can't force it. I guess I need to grieve the possibility of them not living with us at the same time.

I am just so angry at the level of selfishness shown.

I haven't spoken to anyone except my counsellor, and I start IC in 2 days time. I read somewhere that sometimes family members will never forgive WS if you choose to work it out, so I held back. My mom and sister would call to discuss sweet nothings, and I would hold myself back from crying. It's such a lonely place, it seems he has given me a cross to bear, and I can't tell anyone for now.

Or I should, I don't know.

I seem to be getting angrier by the day now. And feel like I should just ask him to leave. We currently in separation?, same house different rooms, for one month now.

[This message edited by 27Heartbroken12 at 4:41 PM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2021
id 8672593
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Hope4Wholeness ( New Member #79074) posted at 4:34 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

The who to tell bit is very tough. If I told my family, who adore my wife, it would go extremely poor.

Most of our friends are mutual friends, thus yeah, very few to talk to which makes me feel extremely isolated and more aware of my emotions, grief, etc.

The feelings that I have seen you described are normal and justified. I have found journaling helpful at times. Taking time to work on my hobbies and trying to distract myself when I get overwhelmed. I have a life coach at Ginger that is helping and waiting for therapy.

Perhaps there is a friend you can talk to that is trusted that doesn't know him?

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2021
id 8672763
Topic is Sleeping.
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