Been a month I stumbled across messages to his ex, where he said "can't believe how much he stil loves her", and spoke of how he misses her, hasn't seen her in 3 years. We are in different countries, so the last time he saw her was almost 3 years ago. He says nothing happened. Ex has a child with him who is preteen now. Our stepchild visits during long school holidays. I wasn't aware that they now chat/ coparent on social forum. I'm sure that's not the problem anyway, since they have a child, they should use best form of communication while observing necessary boundaries. They used to communicate on email, and now I see that that form of communication was kept on because it worked for the ex who was married at the time.
From what I could see the communications are not constant like twice a month, over a period of 6 months. It would also seem that he started it. She only replied with kiss emojis. He says he doesn't love her, and I know that, which isnwhy he never married her. His first explanation was that he was doing for the relationship with his child??? Now he says it was "him messing around" he didn't mean anything by it, he is sorry.
As far as I know of their relationship, they were not in a relationship, a pregnancy just happened due to some irresponsible decisions. This I was told at a time when there was nothing to lose. He also had a chance to be with her when she got pregnant and decided not to be with her.
I knew him prior to the pregnancy, but only dated him when his son was three years old.
I cannot express the shock, the grief I am in.
I am starting IC soon, hope that will help me clarify way forward. I suggested to him that he should consider IC as well, because due to this affair, I have come to the realization that there are many past instances that I just rugswept where his boundaries where lacking with women.
Having to dig deep I realise that he does not have appropriate boundaries with women. In those instances, he may not have physically cheated but he definitely was being emotionally inappropriate, letting women closer for a married man. I also think that he seeks too much validation from other women, I am not sure for ego or what, I cant figure out. So I have 2 problems. 1. Inappropriate boundaries with women
2. Emotional affair with ex (this one I don't think I can come back from). I am too wounded. I placed too much trust he was handling it appropriately. Having a forever ex was a challenge on its own, now this on top?
I have been reading here on the forum, and how the NC is important. How do you do that when there is a child?
I am so heartbroken. I didn't see this coming. Even though cheating is cheating, this feels like a double betrayal, even if I wanted to get past this, how do I, when I have a reminder for the rest of my life?
How do I get comfortable with future communications?
I have been so lost this past month. No one to talk to. I'm scared to talk with anyone, especially if it happens that we carry on.
My mind seems to be telling me to move on, for the sake of my sanity.
I am just so heartbroken about my 3 young kids, youngest is 2. I am angry that he didn't think of them.
Feel like a shell of myself. My real self got lost on the day of finding out.
Found all of this out because he made a mistake and didn't lock his phone. Otherwise he has been secretive for a long time. I felt it for a long time that he was too protective of his phone, which is why I looked when I got the chance.
There might also have been more, but guess I will never know. I was too broken with this, I locked myself out, and he refused to open the phone, and said he was sorry, and would respond to what I needed to know.
He maintained he wouldn't give me the phone, because I could misinterpret other interactions/ conversations?