Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 11:36 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

It totally makes sense that it feels weird not to include her. Just push through it and do not include her, even though it feels weird.

I did not get the sense that you wanted to convince her of anything. I just implore you NOT to tell her of your plans until they are complete or at least finalized because you will just give her ammunition to hurt you more. From what you have shared, you tried really hard to be vulnerable with her and give her a chance to be honest or reconnect. She didn't do that. She gaslit you, hurt you purposefully and made you believe YOU were the problem while she was putting all of her energy into her new boyfriend.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is detach. The faster the better. Fake it till you make it.

As others have said, she fired you as her husband and you do not owe her anything. Do not be vulnerable with her. She has already proven that she will use that against you. You don't have to be mean, just detach. Including her in your decision is not detaching.

Talk it over with other people who love you and resist the urge to include her. Your future self will thank you.

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8671329
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 12:58 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Congratulations on the new job!! That's fantastic.

When she learns that you have left town and asks why you didn't inform her of your plans, just say, "I didn't want to smother you..." It's ok to smile

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 6:59 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8671344
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 1:31 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Could the better pay negatively affect the D settlement? Something to think about.

When you D, both spouses go their own way, free to do anything they want. Your XWW becomes no concerns of yours. Maybe she’ll stay with Mark or maybe she’ll become a nun. It doesn’t matter. Since you have no children, you might never speak to her ever again. It won’t even matter what she says about the D… She can invent any pretty story she wants, it’s not your concern.

Having a new beginning in a different city will help you detach.

My prediction: you’ll eventually meet someone else and you will shake you head wondering why you spent 6 years with that woman.

Every poster with a signature of “happily re married” will tell you that

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8671349
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chepo1966 ( New Member #75720) posted at 1:52 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

What a joy, really, those who follow your story, really, are happier, first that you can get away from someone who has caused you so much damage, so much lack of respect, so much immorality, a woman without values,

The truth is, you shouldn't tell him anything, try to pay for everything and leave, send the divorce papers, and you're already in the other city, without any contact,

Look brother, I give it to you signed, once you do ext and act with character (as it should have been for a long time) she will react and look for you, but it will be too late for her,

she acts without saying anything, this is a gift from God to you, for being a kind of noble feelings, take advantage of it.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020
id 8671355
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chepo1966 ( New Member #75720) posted at 1:54 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

What a joy, really, those who follow your story, really, are happier, first that you can get away from someone who has caused you so much damage, so much lack of respect, so much immorality, a woman without values,

The truth is, you shouldn't tell him anything, try to pay for everything and leave, send the divorce papers, and you're already in the other city, without any contact,

Look brother, I give it to you signed, once you do ext and act with character (as it should have been for a long time) she will react and look for you, but it will be too late for her,

she acts without saying anything, this is a gift from God to you, for being a kind of noble feelings, take advantage of it.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020
id 8671356
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 2:51 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Well done on the job offer.

Just tell her the minimum, that once D us done Mark can move in.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8671369
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Shockedmom ( Member #44708) posted at 3:24 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Congratulations! Amazing offer that could not have come at a more opportune time. Think about what you have been going through and despite these enormous challenges you were still able to excel in your career. She didn’t act as a partner or aid you in any way while she was focused on another man. There is no need to share your news. Proceed with haste to end your marriage. Focus on your better future.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8671382
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 3:29 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

It’s certainly weird not saying anything, but you’re living a weird life. You get only one so why waste it on someone who has decided to miss out on a really good guy. It’ll take a bit to adjust, but much worse people than you adjust to much worse problems than this.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8671384
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I see no reason not to tell her. It impacts both your futures.

You have gained control. I would be dying to tell her.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8671385
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:47 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

tell her when you're ready. It's your life, not hers.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8671389
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 3:53 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

For 6 years you both have shared the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat with each other.

Now is the time to celebrate that with your friends and family and work towards making that change happen the way you want it.

In a week or two I am sure that you will have some discussion with her about how this process of D will be proceeding.

Let her know that you will be moving so you want to get things wrapped up ASAP. Tell it matter of fact, that you got a new job and the dog and you will be moving to XXXXXX on fill in the date.

Be the gracious butter won't melt in your mouth guy and say looks like we both have a new chapter. Bye, it has been a great 5 years...

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8671391
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 5:29 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Your new job.....away from her...

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8671408
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:36 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

DO NOT TELL HER about the new job, you don't know how she's going to react, she might even go behind your back and try to sabotage the new job in an effort to keep you as her plan B. Do NOT telegraph your moves, you owe her NOTHING.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8671414
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:34 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I had a similar experience to you in that I had a massive new job lined up in another city and after D-Day 2 (which was a week before starting it!) I decided to abandon my initial plan of commuting and moved to the city on my own.

I definitely think it helped my recovery a lot. You aren't seeing the places you used to go to everyday, you have new and interesting things to help distract you at times. You look at everything with a fresh eye and whilst it doesn't take away the pain, being forced to make an effort helped me not to wallow too much.

In terms of telling your wife, I'm not sure I agree with the others. Even for practical reasons, you live together so it will impact where you and she live, what you do with the house etc and possibly other issues around the divorce if its a different state etc. If you are worried you can be very non-specific about it, she doesn't need to know where you are going or to which firm, but the likelihood of her finding out anyway (via friends and family) is probably quite high.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 3:45 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8671434
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

CCB,

I was just trying to vent here a bit about the conflicted and difficult feelings I am experiencing right now.

This is totally understandable. You are dealing with a lot.

Congratulations on the job offer. I understand why you would want to share this good news with your WW, you've been doing that for years. Now is the time that you now need to focus on yourself. Your WW has shown you by her actions how much she cares about the M. She has effectively already left it, she just didn't file (which would have been the appropriate move instead of having an A).

If you think this is the right decision for YOU, you need to do it. This is another reason the 180 is so important. Detaching will allow you to make these decisions based on logic, not emotions.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8671462
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 1:52 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I am accepting the job.

Luckily, the new firm is willing to assist me with moving/relocation fees, and also is willing to be very flexible with my start date and allowing me to work remotely while I get my affairs in order and prepare the transition/move. So it's not like I have to hurriedly wrap everything up and get out ASAP.

I have decided to NOT say anything to WW right now. I am going to take the weekend away with my family, try to have some fun, and try to get my mind off things. When I feel the time is right, I will just tell my wife that I accepted a new job elsewhere and will be working a hybrid remote/traveling to the office every now and then while we navigate finalization of the divorce and wrapping up our stuff.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671477
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 2:15 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Sounds like a solid plan.

I suggest you notify her after she's served divorce papers. It sends a powerful message that you're in control and choosing to dump an adulterer.

Even better if you leave town the same day she's served. Then you can go dark for a week and not listen or expose yourself to more lies/drama/accusations.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:22 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671483
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 2:21 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I am accepting the job.

Yea!!! I think a fresh start, distancing from WW and being around family will make the transition easier for you.

I think you're smart to delay telling your WW until you need to. I just didn't want you to tell her in hope that she will be excited for you or "see the light" and want you back or use the information against you by delaying the divorce.

Knowing that you have this excellent job to move to will help you move forward with the divorce and keep you out of limbo.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671484
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:45 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Congratulations for your new job.

I think it's the right decision not to tell her.

By the way, this is not a secret after all. But not only what we say, but also what we do is a message. By not telling her such an important thing, you are telling her that she no longer has a place in your life. This is a much stronger message than saying that. Just like you were like a brick wall in the conversation the other day, all that emotional talk can't describe the situation you're in, but a simple attitude can.

Has she made any attempt to talk or communicate with you about your situation?

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8671495
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 2:57 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Has she made any attempt to talk or communicate with you about your situation?

Not really. We still live together, obviously, so we have had minor/day-to-day interactions. She spoke with me a bit last night, actually, and mentioned that she is going to be seeking a new job, as she knows she needs to be doing something better for herself professionally, and financially, because her income by itself is not sustainable for her right now.

So, I think she is accepting that the divorce is real and happening. She is still in contact with Mark, though. Nothing is changing on my end and on my decision.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671497
Topic is Sleeping.
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