Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Inform her that you need to know everything (including what they talked about, and how she felt going to meet him and after returning home and seeing you).

Why? Because you can't forgive or process the trauma if you don't know the full extent of her betrayal.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670036
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 10:17 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Btw how old are you guys??

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8670065
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 11:51 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

OP - I don't condone violence but very satisfyingly to read you landed a few solid on the asshole face.

I don't have any advise as you seem to handle the situation as well as anyone can imagine, even with the fight. You should, however, consider changing your username. You sir is a winner, not loser.

Good luck with your journey out of infidelity.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8670093
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:02 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

IMO it's unusual for the OM to blame the cuckold. It's the first time I've read a post where the OM ccalls out the victim of infidelity.

The OM is either mentally unbalanced & aggressive; or he was lead to believe your wife was the victim of abuse.

Among other things you may want to ask your wife how she justified cheating on you to the OM.

His words and behavior suggest he thought he was dealing with a very different man

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670096
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:12 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

He's the one that got away. And still getting away with it. He has a lot of other affairs too. Not sure why your wife chose to be with this guy. Your wife really has a bad choice in choosing a potential future partner if she goes with this guy.

It's also the first time I heard a guy having an affair with a wife and comes to their home to make trouble. That's mental!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 1:32 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It's also the first time I heard a guy having an affair with a wife and comes to their home to make trouble. That's mental!

OM are mental, in the case of me and my cheating (now ex) gf during their affair the OM wanted to come to our home and see me but not to make trouble but because he wondered whether we all together could have a threesome , really mental , should he have come to our house at that time he would have received a physical treatment from me for sure but ASL-style

ASL, we here are cheering for you and on your side, and compliments for how you handled things during D-day.

In my case, now looking back I wished I had stayed calm in specific situations, at those moments it felt good to threaten OM to smash his face in should I ever meet him, and once I could not control myself and slapped my WS in the face for something that she said that hurt me deeply, now afterwards and looking back...I feel ashamed and wish I had not done those things and wish I had stayed calm and had reacted in the moral high ground way (which may also not get one into trouble with the cops, you know what I mean). I am the bad guy who has no right to give you this advice, but staying calm, even when things are very difficult and the pressure is high, is in your best interest and important for your safety and the others involved.

Since discovery until now, and for the period to come, the world must be upside down and a roller coaster for you. A good thing that you have your own appartment: Retreat, recover, regroup, and rebuild your life, I would say.

The thing about your wife involving your children makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, if you really should divorce then it can be used against you?, be careful?

A lot has happened, and fortunately you have this community and the people here are here for you and cheer for you and give you constructive suggestions.

But, how are things in real life with your social support network? Specifically, do you have friends nearby that you can, and do, go to to sit down with and share in real life your experiences and feelings in this matter with, so you can vent in real life and blow off some steam?

In my case, I even shared my experiences with total strangers and new people, just started talking to them (e.g., in a bar) and always found a willing ear and support when I opened the conversation by saying "I really had a bad day..." or "May I ask you for advice...this is the case...what would you do or recommend?...', many even had their own stories to share and tell, or could relate to a guy in need for help and just accepted and included me in their group of friends for the evening to spend some time with them while away from the house and situation. In this way I even made new friends and created new social relationships, which enriched my life later on.

IRL support from friends, or even strangers and new people, it really helped, thus I communicate this to you as a suggestion.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 2:53 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I think the OM confronted ASoreLoser simply because he was pissed that he informed the OBS.

Cheaters will blame anyone but themselves for their behavior and the consequences.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8670134
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 3:59 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It may feel good however, the fight can be an issue in custody. Additionally moving out prior to filing can also be an issue.

Win wars not battles.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8670140
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:23 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Brother, well done with the confrontation with your WW.

It might feel good going hands on with the person banging on your door, taunting you but you took a great risk. Now there is a RO out on you, it can be used against you by your WW. Think, if he gets D and moves in with WW. You can’t go there to be with your children. Keep Mr Angry in check! Remember they talked about being one happy family together!

Did your WW also get a RO on both of you? She will lie to control the situation so she is not at fault.

Hence her statements that there was no sex just fantasy.

But remember the disrespectful things she said about you. She may have even thought her beautiful children were holding them apart.

IC for you and the children. Now is the time to get in a healthy head space. Try to exercise the anger out, eat healthy and drink water. Talk to good friends to help with the stress. You may not want to expose your WW deliberate actions to all, but there are some that need to know so to help with the separation.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 12:46 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 5:16 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

What did your wife do when the OM showed up at your door?

Did she immediately get in his face and say:

- leave my husband alone,

- I hate you and wish you are dead,

- the sight of you makes me vomit

- go away or I'll call the police

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670208
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 5:25 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

She probably just cried. It went from fantasy life to crash and burn rather quickly.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8670211
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 10:25 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

You need to talk with your attorney.

Everyone has a right to self defense. If you are faced with an imminent physical threat you can act.

The OM threaten you over the phone then came banging on your door to continue to threaten you in person.

The problem is the only other witness is your wife who did not stand by you. Had she loved you she would have been concerned regarding your safety, she would have been concerned about you. The police would have arrested OM.

Talk to your attorney regarding an RO against OM.

Your wife should have concerned with your safety and was not.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8670250
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feelingthenoose ( Member #35328) posted at 3:38 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Is the RO official or more of a warning not to go around one another? Around here, you have to file for them through court and then meet with a judge.

You shouldn't have an RO on you at all. That could complicate things for you in the future when it comes to employment, rentals, travel, etc, so I would talk to your lawyer to try to get it dropped.

posts: 881   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2012
id 8670376
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 5:47 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

It seems to be a police order which only last about 72 hours. These are not criminal but can be made permanent by court order.

These do involve police reports which can be used if his wife wants to show he can be violent and she is afraid of him.

What is most concerning is someone can to her house and threaten her husband and she did not stand by him. She was not concerned about his safety.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8670391
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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 7:25 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

The dust still hasn't settled. This is what has happened since I last updated, I'll try to include the answer to your questions along the way. Well, firsts things first, I got an STD test, we'll know the results in about 2 weeks or so.

After that call from my son, I was angry at my wife. I called back and spoke to my son, I'm guessing it was on speaker, to tell my kids that I will be coming home tomorrow because daddy had to take care of himself because he was very hurt. My kids wished me well. I spoke to my wife that I will serve her the divorce papers tomorrow. She was crying the whole time begging me to come to talk that we could fix this mistake and we shouldn't jeopardize our kid's future. When she started begging I had to interrupt her and tell her that we'll talk about it tomorrow cause frankly, I had a very long week.

I finally had the courage to tell my supervisor and he was generous enough to give me a paid day off. I saw new messages from my wife texting the AP asking him what did he tell me and why the hell did he do that? They blamed each other of course. The AP was blaming my wife for telling me. My wife denied and she berated him for coming to my house that they shouldn't do anything anymore to make each other's marriages worse. AP asked if my wife and I were separating. And to that my wife said, "I won't let that happen". My wife told him that her family is erupting and that they never should've let things get this far and to never speak to her again.

I arranged for a server that my lawyer knows and talked to my sister to pick the kids up for the day. She's a SAHM too so she's available most of the time.

The next day I went home with my sister and she picked up the kids and they went to her house. My wife instantly tried to kiss me and I let it happen because the kids were watching. My sister and my kids left. My wife and I were talking on the couch and I told her to wait until the server arrives. I warned her to never do that stunt that she did with our kids and never will I put her in a bad light and I expect her to do the same. I told her that maybe I wasn't a present husband but I'm a good father and provider and to please don't subject the kids to a future trauma. She denied what I said and that she wasn't manipulating them. She said that the kids couldn't sleep and were asking for me. I don't know if that's true but I just told her to keep what I said in mind. The server arrived and she was served, she signs the notice that she has received it and then we talked. I told her that I have actually known them for quite some time and that this was a long time coming. I asked for the truth and she admits that they had sex multiple times. I asked her if she would like to tell me about it and would be open. I told her I won't force her to say anything she doesn't want to say to me, I told her that she has a right to her own privacy but I also have the right to my own future and that if she won't help me then I'll gladly help myself without her in my life.

She cried and she says the usual routine, apologizes, promises, then that "it didn't mean anything". She told me that I can do what I want just not leave her. I was surprised actually because she offers me unlimited sex and that I can cheat on her. I was taken aback and I just said I'll think about it. Anyone has ever encountered this? What did you guys do? Initially, I was disgusted by the idea but as I was thinking on it more, it has some downsides and upsides.

I don't like to think that I am being a doormat to her but I'd like to think that I'm just holding the door for her to help her help me. I gave her the list Stevesn wrote here with a few deductions and modifications. The only parts I included was nos. 1. 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 15, 16, 18, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28.

1) NC LETTER: Together we write a No Contact letter that we send to your boyfriend. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will Be a matter of fact and remove him from your life forever.

2) NO CONTACT. Meaning if you work with him you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist.

3) TIMELINE: You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. I need to know the truth before I can try and reconcile it. We will sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, I need to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.

4) APOLOGY: You'll write me a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have me stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made me feel during all this time.

6) IC: We will both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond our marriage vows. And me to work thru the pain you have caused me.

7) MC: At a later point we will start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after we both work on ourselves first. I decide when this starts

10) INTIMACY: Intimacy will be on my terms. Whatever I need to heal in whatever fashion you deem necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, I have the right to decide if denying me the intimacy I need is a deal-breaker for me.

11) POSTNUP: We will look into implementing a postnup that ensures my financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.

12) TRANSPARENCY: You will provide open access to all your technology from now on. On-demand. No time to delete stuff. I will agree to do the same. If you don't then I assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage. I may also ask for another phone set up as yours so I can actively monitor your activity

15) READING: We both will do reading on infidelity and we will use them to discuss our marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair”

16) STD: STD testing for both of us with Visual proof of the results is required. And we will DNA test the kids and you will pay for it by selling something of value to only you or you working additionally to defray the cost.

18) COMMUNICATION: Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.

21) COMMUNICATION- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third-party attention. Discuss all feel good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.

22) CHARACTER: We don't do or say anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the other's presence.

23) AFFECTION: we work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.

24) ENEMIES: You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.

25) OWNING THE A: Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blameshifting or excuses for your actions.

26)ACTIVELY ENGAGING I need to be treated better than your boyfriend. Whatever you did for him you will have to go further for me. We together will discuss what that means.

28) EXPOSURE OF GIFTS: any gifts given by the AP are to be destroyed or sold with the funds used for charity or other purposes not benefiting the WS.

Thank you to stevesn and buster123 who saved me time and took the effort to help me.

I don't see the point where telling our friends would benefit me, It's embarrassing!!

We read the list together and Shee agreed to everything. I asked if there anything she would like to remove or add, and she said she'll think about it. I told her that she would be the one pulling all the weight. I told her that I will be asking more questions about the affair from now on and I expect her to tell me the truth. I told her to keep our text conversation mainly about the kids and only about the affair when I ask. I also told her that we can only safely discuss the affair if both of us agree, to tell the truth, she can ask me anything I want and I can't ask her anything I want. If she doesn't want to say it then say "I don't want to say" rather than lie. We set up the weekend to have our discussion.

Throughout our conversation, she was crying and sniffling so I actually sometimes end up sympathizing with her. I can't stop my "white-knight" tendencies.

Does her compliance mean repentance?

In the afternoon the kids went home and we spent time together as a family, there was some tension between me and my wife but all in all it was a good night. She was definitely more attentive and sensitive to me. Before she wouldn't even glare at me but now all she thinks about is me.

I put the kids to bed and sure enough, my wife was all dressed up trying to initiate and I just told her good night. I then went to my apartment and spent the night.

I spoke to OBS earlier and I found out that she is actually 3 months pregnant. I feel bad for her. Should I do anything or should I just step away?

jinkazama, 36

babypuke, Only my sister, BIL, my wife's parents, my boss, and probably my neighbors. I don't tell some of my friends because they don't take monogamy seriously. I would go to a bar but I don't have the time and energy, that's why I went here :). When I get the time I'll try to go to a bar. Great suggestion!

Robert22205https, I was the one first to notice that there was someone at the door. I quickly realized that it was the Ap, and we immediately got into a screaming match. My wife then followed outside and by the time she realized who he was, we were already exchanging fists.

feelingthenoose, It was an emergency protective order. It lasts for a couple of days and it won't reach the court. More like what rambler said.

Butforthegrace, Nature IS a whore but I don't like to think my wife is one.

If you stay, the reality that your WW brought this man into your marriage, literally into your home where he assaulted you physically and boasted of his sexual exploits with your wife, that will forever be a third party to your marriage. Do you really want that?

It definitely annoys me that AP fucked my wife but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't reverse time, so there only ways how to deal with the situation. But the recent brawl with AP took some of that anger away.

With regards to custody, I already drafted a custody plan that heavily favors my wife. I discussed this with my lawyer this and based upon my job and my wife, She is the "primary" guardian and most likely she will get the kids for the weekends. I work a 9-5 job on paper but it's more like a 9-10 job due to the amount of effort you have to put in. I am the sole provider, and my wife hasn't worked a day from the day she got pregnant (my decision).

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 1:36 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8670399
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:38 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I saw new messages from my wife texting the AP asking him what did he tell me and why the hell did he do that? They blamed each other of course. The AP was blaming my wife for telling me. My wife denied and she berated him for coming to my house that they shouldn't do anything anymore to make each other's marriages worse. Ap asked if my wife and I were separating. And to that my wife said, I won't let that happen. My wife told him that her family is erupting and that they never should've let things get this far and to never speak to her again.

Hmmmm. Still in contact after all that went down. So your wife basically wanted it kept secret and denied betraying her AP to you. Geeze.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670405
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:40 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

we could fix this mistake and we shouldn't jeopardize our kid's future.

Lordy. As if you're jeopardizing your kids future.

Lady you want to protect your kids' future? Keep your pants on around other men.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8670406
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:44 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

She cried and she says the usual routine, apologizes, promises, then that "it didn't mean anything". She told me that I can do what I want just not leave her.

The affair wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision/choice. With lots of planning and deceit.

Right now she doing anything to have a soft place to land.

The tears were for her. Avoiding any consequences is her goal.

Marriage counseling can be a rugsweep. Beware!!!! These people are not gods.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670408
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

we could fix this mistake and we shouldn't jeopardize our kid's future.

Typical do it for the kids. Where has she been? Attempted manipulation by using the kids.

Sorry man. You can stay together but it doesn’t seem to me there’s all that much to work with if you want a marriage.

Repeats happen. BEWARE!!!!

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670409
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:33 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

ASL,

So it appears she's still in contact with AP. That's a bad sign. From what I can see from your story AP frequents your house and that's where they have sex most of the time? That's disgusting and disrespectful. Your wife doesn't even care about your marital home, she lets in a guy to your home and it's also the place where they do their thing.

I'm pretty sure your kids know this guy too.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670416
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