The dust still hasn't settled. This is what has happened since I last updated, I'll try to include the answer to your questions along the way. Well, firsts things first, I got an STD test, we'll know the results in about 2 weeks or so.
After that call from my son, I was angry at my wife. I called back and spoke to my son, I'm guessing it was on speaker, to tell my kids that I will be coming home tomorrow because daddy had to take care of himself because he was very hurt. My kids wished me well. I spoke to my wife that I will serve her the divorce papers tomorrow. She was crying the whole time begging me to come to talk that we could fix this mistake and we shouldn't jeopardize our kid's future. When she started begging I had to interrupt her and tell her that we'll talk about it tomorrow cause frankly, I had a very long week.
I finally had the courage to tell my supervisor and he was generous enough to give me a paid day off. I saw new messages from my wife texting the AP asking him what did he tell me and why the hell did he do that? They blamed each other of course. The AP was blaming my wife for telling me. My wife denied and she berated him for coming to my house that they shouldn't do anything anymore to make each other's marriages worse. AP asked if my wife and I were separating. And to that my wife said, "I won't let that happen". My wife told him that her family is erupting and that they never should've let things get this far and to never speak to her again.
I arranged for a server that my lawyer knows and talked to my sister to pick the kids up for the day. She's a SAHM too so she's available most of the time.
The next day I went home with my sister and she picked up the kids and they went to her house. My wife instantly tried to kiss me and I let it happen because the kids were watching. My sister and my kids left. My wife and I were talking on the couch and I told her to wait until the server arrives. I warned her to never do that stunt that she did with our kids and never will I put her in a bad light and I expect her to do the same. I told her that maybe I wasn't a present husband but I'm a good father and provider and to please don't subject the kids to a future trauma. She denied what I said and that she wasn't manipulating them. She said that the kids couldn't sleep and were asking for me. I don't know if that's true but I just told her to keep what I said in mind. The server arrived and she was served, she signs the notice that she has received it and then we talked. I told her that I have actually known them for quite some time and that this was a long time coming. I asked for the truth and she admits that they had sex multiple times. I asked her if she would like to tell me about it and would be open. I told her I won't force her to say anything she doesn't want to say to me, I told her that she has a right to her own privacy but I also have the right to my own future and that if she won't help me then I'll gladly help myself without her in my life.
She cried and she says the usual routine, apologizes, promises, then that "it didn't mean anything". She told me that I can do what I want just not leave her. I was surprised actually because she offers me unlimited sex and that I can cheat on her. I was taken aback and I just said I'll think about it. Anyone has ever encountered this? What did you guys do? Initially, I was disgusted by the idea but as I was thinking on it more, it has some downsides and upsides.
I don't like to think that I am being a doormat to her but I'd like to think that I'm just holding the door for her to help her help me. I gave her the list Stevesn wrote here with a few deductions and modifications. The only parts I included was nos. 1. 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 15, 16, 18, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28.
1) NC LETTER: Together we write a No Contact letter that we send to your boyfriend. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will Be a matter of fact and remove him from your life forever.
2) NO CONTACT. Meaning if you work with him you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist.
3) TIMELINE: You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. I need to know the truth before I can try and reconcile it. We will sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, I need to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.
4) APOLOGY: You'll write me a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have me stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made me feel during all this time.
6) IC: We will both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond our marriage vows. And me to work thru the pain you have caused me.
7) MC: At a later point we will start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after we both work on ourselves first. I decide when this starts
10) INTIMACY: Intimacy will be on my terms. Whatever I need to heal in whatever fashion you deem necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, I have the right to decide if denying me the intimacy I need is a deal-breaker for me.
11) POSTNUP: We will look into implementing a postnup that ensures my financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.
12) TRANSPARENCY: You will provide open access to all your technology from now on. On-demand. No time to delete stuff. I will agree to do the same. If you don't then I assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage. I may also ask for another phone set up as yours so I can actively monitor your activity
15) READING: We both will do reading on infidelity and we will use them to discuss our marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair”
16) STD: STD testing for both of us with Visual proof of the results is required. And we will DNA test the kids and you will pay for it by selling something of value to only you or you working additionally to defray the cost.
18) COMMUNICATION: Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.
21) COMMUNICATION- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third-party attention. Discuss all feel good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.
22) CHARACTER: We don't do or say anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the other's presence.
23) AFFECTION: we work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.
24) ENEMIES: You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.
25) OWNING THE A: Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blameshifting or excuses for your actions.
26)ACTIVELY ENGAGING I need to be treated better than your boyfriend. Whatever you did for him you will have to go further for me. We together will discuss what that means.
28) EXPOSURE OF GIFTS: any gifts given by the AP are to be destroyed or sold with the funds used for charity or other purposes not benefiting the WS.
Thank you to stevesn and buster123 who saved me time and took the effort to help me.
I don't see the point where telling our friends would benefit me, It's embarrassing!!
We read the list together and Shee agreed to everything. I asked if there anything she would like to remove or add, and she said she'll think about it. I told her that she would be the one pulling all the weight. I told her that I will be asking more questions about the affair from now on and I expect her to tell me the truth. I told her to keep our text conversation mainly about the kids and only about the affair when I ask. I also told her that we can only safely discuss the affair if both of us agree, to tell the truth, she can ask me anything I want and I can't ask her anything I want. If she doesn't want to say it then say "I don't want to say" rather than lie. We set up the weekend to have our discussion.
Throughout our conversation, she was crying and sniffling so I actually sometimes end up sympathizing with her. I can't stop my "white-knight" tendencies.
Does her compliance mean repentance?
In the afternoon the kids went home and we spent time together as a family, there was some tension between me and my wife but all in all it was a good night. She was definitely more attentive and sensitive to me. Before she wouldn't even glare at me but now all she thinks about is me.
I put the kids to bed and sure enough, my wife was all dressed up trying to initiate and I just told her good night. I then went to my apartment and spent the night.
I spoke to OBS earlier and I found out that she is actually 3 months pregnant. I feel bad for her. Should I do anything or should I just step away?
babypuke, Only my sister, BIL, my wife's parents, my boss, and probably my neighbors. I don't tell some of my friends because they don't take monogamy seriously. I would go to a bar but I don't have the time and energy, that's why I went here :). When I get the time I'll try to go to a bar. Great suggestion!
Robert22205https, I was the one first to notice that there was someone at the door. I quickly realized that it was the Ap, and we immediately got into a screaming match. My wife then followed outside and by the time she realized who he was, we were already exchanging fists.
feelingthenoose, It was an emergency protective order. It lasts for a couple of days and it won't reach the court. More like what rambler said.
Butforthegrace, Nature IS a whore but I don't like to think my wife is one.
If you stay, the reality that your WW brought this man into your marriage, literally into your home where he assaulted you physically and boasted of his sexual exploits with your wife, that will forever be a third party to your marriage. Do you really want that?
It definitely annoys me that AP fucked my wife but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't reverse time, so there only ways how to deal with the situation. But the recent brawl with AP took some of that anger away.
With regards to custody, I already drafted a custody plan that heavily favors my wife. I discussed this with my lawyer this and based upon my job and my wife, She is the "primary" guardian and most likely she will get the kids for the weekends. I work a 9-5 job on paper but it's more like a 9-10 job due to the amount of effort you have to put in. I am the sole provider, and my wife hasn't worked a day from the day she got pregnant (my decision).
[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 1:36 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]