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Don't whack me too hard with those 2x4s

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BluerThanBlue posted 4/19/2021 16:22 PM

Skeetermooch, your actions aren't cooling him off from escalating... he is escalating!

His stalking had precisely the desired effect it was supposed to in that you were intimidated into reengaging with him, and in a matter of weeks, you went from NC to seriously considering meeting his daughter.

Under no circumstances should you do this. Let me count the ways...
(1) If you meet his daughter and continue speaking with him, you are rewarding him for stalking you and giving him an incentive to continue.
(2)It's completely inappropriate to meet his daughter. You won't hurt her feelings by refusing to meet her; you are a complete stranger to her and you never were nor will you ever be her stepmother. If she is upset or offended that you won't meet her, it's because he led her to believe that you're still happily married.
(3) He is using you and his daughter for his own selfish purposes. He is using her as a lure to rope you back into a relationship with him. He is using you as a way to pretend he's a decent human being and not a sick fuck to be avoided at all costs.

When (not if) your ex hurts and disappoints his daughter, do you really want the guilt of being a willing pawn in his game?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:23 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 4/19/2021 17:10 PM

I'm gonna second this. He stalks because it works. It scares you into contact. That gets you under his influence (and I know these guys are charming).

You leave the relationship. You go no contact. He stalks, stalks harder, pushes more, there will reach a crescendo of some sort, when that doesn't work the stalking stops and you are discarded. What I think you're trying to avoid is that crescendo. You can't. You just can't. It's almost a shame that we can't shoot these people when we leave them and save us that dangerous game. But it is what it is.

Mine did the calling, texting, etc. I cut him off. Blocked him. He showed up at my house and sat outside refusing to leave when I wasn't there but my daughter was. I then did unblock and call him and tell him to leave. He managed to convince me to let him say goodbye to his dog. I caved, thinking this could be closure for him and he'd get past this because surely he did love our dog. He came over, crying, spent 1/10 of the 20 minutes I allowed paying attention to "his" dog and spent the rest crying at me for leaving and asking to be friends. I told him to leave and not to contact me. Re-blocked. He didn't come back to the house, surprisingly, but he did get through some online communication (can't remember what social media site now) to threaten me with legal action over said dog. As if he had a lawyer and a case. It was all I could do not to rise up in a rage and breathe fire all over him, but I resisted. I kept blocking and waiting for him to show up all aggrieved and feeling victimized or steal my dog when I let him out in the backyard to pee. I watched that fence like a lunatic for a while. Haven't heard from him since.

Luckily for me, his crescendo was threatening to take my dog. I know that sometimes the crescendo is murder. I know why you're frightened. I married a gentle sweetheart (ha) and I had a gun because I was worried. Mine was a crack addict and you do not ever know how they will behave, no matter who you thought they were before. You will live like this until you let it play out with no contact and let the final stanza of his crazy reach it's high note and then fade away. When it fades, you get your life back. If you're afraid that he's going to potentially kill you, you really should contact law enforcement.

This game SUCKS, but there's no way around it. All you do with grey rock is to delay it and intensify it when it happens.

DevastatedDee posted 4/19/2021 17:16 PM

And I get how unbelievably insane and unfair it is, everything I wrote. I get how infuriating and scary it is. It is not fair for anyone to ever face this kind of fear. It makes you feel helpless and impotent. Law enforcement should take this seriously given how many women are killed by their partners or ex-partners, but we're still behind as a society on taking that seriously. I should not have felt the need to have a gun because someone might lose his mind. It is ridiculous and it pisses me right off.

skeetermooch posted 4/19/2021 22:00 PM

His stalking had precisely the desired effect it was supposed to in that you were intimidated into reengaging with him, and in a matter of weeks, you went from NC to seriously considering meeting his daughter.

Yep. This is true. Once he got into contact with me, I got all muddled and sucked back in to his drama. And, he's definitely trying to use me (I didn't meet her) to make himself look like a good guy. He hadn't seen her since she was a few months old (she's now 22). He spent a few years working his charm on her until she finally relented to meeting him in person a few months ago.
What I think you're trying to avoid is that crescendo.

I do fear for my life. The other stalking ex still drives by occasionally and even emailed me from an account I hadn't blocked just a few months ago. This, after two arrests, two diversion programs with dv classes and a restraining order. I was sure he was going to kill me and a part of what drove me into my recent ex's arms was feeling like he could protect me. Now, I've got two stalkers.

That night he was parked in front of my house chills me bc he wasn't even trying to hide what he was doing. All my neighbors could see he was there. I wonder whether he was planning to harm me then. He's the type of person who can doing things without thinking through to the consequences. He's been violent in the past - though not with me. He went to prison for several years before I knew him.

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