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Wayward Side :
How can I survive this? I don't know what to do

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 SebastianMA (original poster New Member #77160) posted at 3:47 PM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021

I am hoping for someone who may have been in in a similar situation to give me a tiny bit of hope, because I am really struggling like never before in my life.I have been with my SO since 2007, we were and still are very much in love. I have married her in 2019.

Even before being a couple I began to develop an addiction for pornography, not sure why exactly (My guess is unfulfilled fantasies as seen in porn and being bullied in childhood). I was consuming a lot of porn quite often.

As my fantasies were fueled more and more by the porn I was watching, I had the desire to act on some of these fantasies, which was sexually interacting with men, as the porn drove me to believe I might be gay or bisexual.

It must have been around 2011 where I met with a man to have sexual contact, which was a horrible experience to me, not pleasant at all. A similar incident happened a few months later.

My porn and masturbation addiction continued, though no more meetups with anyone.

Just over a week ago now was my D-Day. A few days before, something clicked in my mind and I felt unbearable pain in my chest while being unable to properly breathe, all while thinking about what I did. Feeling numb and not having the energy to do anything.

So I told my wife about it. To my surprise, she was not mad at all. She was asking if I really thought that she would leave me for something like that after all those years and was angered only by the fact that I did not tell her before. We both cried and hugged and talked quite a lot, same on the next day.

I was somewhat reliefed of my pain, though it quickly creeped up to me again. Right now, I am again feeling this unbearable pain while thinking I am not going to make this. In my mind I fear this pain will never go away and in the end drive me away from my wife and eventually I'll die. I keep thinking about this pretty much all day all the time and I am so terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. My wife does not want to talk about it anymore as she forgave me for it and she does not want to think about it in more detail, which I understand and respect. I don't want to drag this out infront of her and burden her more than necessary. She did nothing to deserve this.

If you read through all of this, thank you so much. Maybe someone can give me guidance on these questions:- Did anyone else have the same pain and was able to survive it?- Am I expecting too much in thinking I should feel less pain so short after D-Day?- What is that kind of pain I am feeling in waves? Is it guilt? Sometimes it goes away for a few minutes but comes back full force- Will this pain ever be lessened and what can I do about it?

I also realised now that I need to stop with all porn and masturbation and I have done so right after D-Day. I do not have any desire for that anymore whatsoever.Also I am currently looking for IC in hopes that this will help me.

Any help, advice or guidance is so very much appreciated,Sebastian

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2021
id 8626713

foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 6:55 PM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021

I'm sorry you are here and in pain. If you truly feel suicidal please seek help from professionals.

I will say that in the early days and months of dday I certainly felt like I wanted to die. So much so I fantasized about it. Was it the guilt? I mean, I'm sure it was.

I hope you'll understand that the pain doesn't last forever and with such intensity as it is now. I know it feels unbearable and heavy, but with the work you'll need to do, and actually processing the pain, I have no doubt you'll feel it lift and you'll breathe easy again.

My advice in this moment for you right now, is do not put off the IC get in as quick as you can and let them help you. It might be wise to focus for now on just your immediate circumstance, the beginning is a time of crisis and catastrophic thinking. You need help being talked down and get grounded so that you can then begin the other work.

Take a deep breath, and know that there is no quick fix or solutions. This takes time. You'll be ok.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

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id 8626761

MIgander ( Member #71285) posted at 6:58 PM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021


Sounds like you're having anxiety attacks over your shame from this.

Perhaps talk to your doctor and see if you can get some chemical and counseling help to be able to work through the panic/overwhelm while you're having them. It will help you with your processing.

The following are thoughts from my perspective as a WW (who's made a lot of mistakes in my own progress of hoping for R). Primarily, I'm giving you this insight as a woman who's had problems in her marriage (although minor) with porn use and major problems with being compared negatively to other women (physically and otherwise).

Please take them to heart- your wife may be "forgiving" you and not bringing these things up now, but she will likely do in the future as she calms down and is able to process the shock. She may be in "freeze" mode and not know what to do or even how to feel about it. She's could dissociate from the circumstance (where you just blank it out or go on "autopilot" to avoid feeling). Either way, be prepared for her to return to the subject. With a lot of STRONG emotions.

When she does, don't do as I did and give her the truth in bits and pieces. Don't minimize the encounters- those are likely going to be as hurtful as the extended porn use. Porn for women really wreaks havoc on our sense of self worth- ask me how I know (and my BH only used it sparingly in our early marriage and stopped soon after). As this sinks in, she will likely have difficulty with body image and being intimate to you- she can't live up to the fantasies you saw online.

About your 2 encounters with men. You had one night stand AP's. Your language on the encounters that "happened" is passive and not accountable for your contributions to them. To make them happen, you had to contact the AP, arrange time to meet the AP, find a private location to spend time with the AP and then consciously physically interact with the AP. In the future (again, do better than I did), take full accountability when speaking of these instances- they didn't just "happen." It will help you to understand what you were really capable of doing to your BW and help her understand you're taking responsibility for your actions. This will make you a safer spouse in her eyes.

Whether you discover in IC that you're hetero or not, your wife will have to process that you may be a different person than advertised before your marriage. That is a betrayal of a whole other level. Please consider, she will be angry that she's spent the 12 most young/fertile years on building a life with a man who may not really be into women, let alone her. All this while she could have been out there looking for a mate that was truly compatible with her interests.

Even if she didn't desire children, you've betrayed her investment of her youth in your relationship. It's not impossible for women to rebuild and find a meaningful and worthy mate (whether that's you or someone else), however, it becomes more difficult as we age. The dating pool shrinks as men are typically attracted to younger women (although that does eliminate the shallow ones for us ). Still, if she decides to D you, she gets the added bonus that your bisexual porn use implied that she wasn't physically attractive enough to satisfy you, on top of her being 13-14 years older than when she started your relationship.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8626765

 SebastianMA (original poster New Member #77160) posted at 7:01 AM on Thursday, January 21st, 2021

Thank you for your kind replies. Today I feel less of the pain, though I am sure it will be back. I will get IC as soon as possible.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2021
id 8626898

 SebastianMA (original poster New Member #77160) posted at 3:23 PM on Friday, January 22nd, 2021

It is back at me really hard right now, I am in a very dark place in my mind. I don't see how I can survive this. I am in dire need of some shimmer of hope right now... by the rate this pain is increasing, I don't see how it is ever going to be less

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2021
id 8627251

MIgander ( Member #71285) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, January 22nd, 2021

SMA hang in there!

It's the worst at first when you see the pain you've caused and feel the shame of your own behaviors that caused it.

Get IC. NOW. YESTERDAY. Look for someone competent in dealing with sexual issues and overcoming shame.

Shame spirals suck. That's what you're likely in right now. If you google the term, you can find some helpful articles on that.

When it's this bleak, do something good for yourself- take a shower, go for a walk, call a friend/ family member. Do something nice for someone else (pay ahead on a Starbucks order or something).

You are deserving of respect and care. You are willing to work to be a person who can respect and care for themselves.

Hang on to that, it will help you through.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8627304

 SebastianMA (original poster New Member #77160) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, January 22nd, 2021

Thank you, I really do thank you so much. I still don't see how I am going to make it through this. And seeing that I have caused this for my wife and myself.

I thought I was a good person and husband, now her and my life is shattered in an instant and I am paralyzed beyond my understanding. How could I be such a horrible monster?

I have a first IC session on next week wednesday, could not get any earlier than that.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2021
id 8627357

MIgander ( Member #71285) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, January 22nd, 2021

No worries, I've been in the hole before (and likely will be again...). It's the nature of the beast.

You're actually helping me make some use of the shit I've both been through and caused by my actions.

The main focus for you right now is to get healthy- mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Physical health will aid in that too- if you're body is in good shape it's not going to drag down your mind. What affects one, affects the other.

Don't be alarmed if you're recommended medication to help you along- our emotional/mental health needs a "both and" approach. There's physical imbalances in the brain that, once addressed, will no longer drag down your healing emotionally and in your thoughts. Physical health will speed this along too.

Are you working out? Eating as healthy as possible? Getting any sleep? Drinking water?

Doing these things will help you stay balanced as you work through this.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you here. You're already way ahead of me when I started on here- you're seeing yourself as responsible for fixing you and healing the situation. That's more than most at your point.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8627374
Topic is Sleeping.
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