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I think my Dad is a trigger for my BH. My Dad is a single man but is what I call a serial monogamist. He has been married twice, he only has kids with my mom his first wife.

So in the past 6years my dad divorced his 2nd wife, started a new relationship before his marriage was finalized and now he is working on a new relationship while he as his GF are taking a break, due to COVID-19 and travel restrictions.

He came by and brought his new "friend" I was shocked. I didn't know he was on a break with his GF who is still in contact with me.

And my Dad hasn't supported my relationship with H. So they don't get along never really have.

I see that I have a similar problem... I think I did this when I started my relationship with my H. I was sleeping with a OM before I met H. But H and I started dating and OM didn't know about H at first. As H and I got more serious when asked me not to sleep with other men, we weren't "official" yet but I said I wouldn't but I did continue to see OM. I didn't stop seeing OM until I was fully hooked on H. I'm still trying to recover memories from that time ... 15 years ago. 15 years of lying to myself...I know I love my BH he the man I want to be with. It's hard to let myself remember those thoughts. My H feels he was my plan B but I don't think he was ... my actions say otherwise.

I have a lot of work... lots of deep searching. Forcing myself to reach deep down and pulling up all the crap that I've been pushing away hoping it would go away.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 2:32 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

If you think your father is a trigger (I would say for both of you), is it possible to limit his interaction with you and your BH? I'm not saying stop communicating with your dad, just ask for some space so you can work on what's left of your marriage. I'd also discuss this with your BH.

My H feels he was my plan B but I don't think he was ... my actions say otherwise.

What are your actions telling him now? Continue to be vulnerable and honest. Don't shy away from him when you feel ashamed or unworthy.

I think I'm keeping my distance

He's not in your head, and without communicating, its very easy to just assume the worst. Oh she doesn't really want to touch me, or talk to me, or show her emotions. So I must be Plan B, right? Unless he outright tells you to go away, I would suggest staying as close as possible.

When I found out about my xW's affair, I was devastated. Before I made a decision, moved out and divorced, I told her to keep trying. Try to show your love consistently through being present, making eye contact, touching me, kissing me when I came home from work. Even if 9 out of 10 times I pulled away, please come back the tenth time. Don't stop trying. If he's what you really want, prove that to him with consistent effort. Even if that effort makes you uncomfortable due to shame.

It's good you are continuing to search for answers. For forcing yourself to remember the ugly truth and past. Keep it up.

What are your actions telling him now? Continue to be vulnerable and honest. Don't shy away from him when you feel ashamed or unworthy.

Yes, I have been vulnerable with him in a way I have never been. Honesty is everything! Due to my lies he has no trust in me. I make sure everything I tell my BH is 100% truthful. I don't leave out any detail of a my day, if someone talks to me at the store I tell my H.

He's not in your head, and without communicating, its very easy to just assume the worst

BH has said something very similar to me before. I have to get out of my head. I get lost and overwhelmed and overthink every word every action. I have to get better at communicating and letting BH know what's going on.

forcing yourself to remember the ugly truth and past

This is hard so much harder than I thought it would be. But it some painful way a rewarding experience. Seeing the true me had been ugly but it helped.

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:21 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]

I have a question:

Does your BH/BW want you to bring up the affair? Should I be bring it up to let my BH know I'm working on myself and just let him know I know it's always on his mind and mine.

I want to be supportive but I still struggle with how to talk about it.

I don't lie about anything but I still struggle with bring the topic up.

Who should bring up the topic me or BH...or both?

I want to be supportive in the best way. I want my BH to feel and see that I have changed. My daily activities are constant and he can count on me for the small daily things. As well as bigger tasks. I'm showing with my actions my word means something.

I didn't want to give BH an reason to doubt me so I even shared I brought him a gift. I shared this because I have to be out of the house for a few hours to get his gift. He asked what it was and I told him. I will not give my BH any reason doubt to me. I'm being an open book with my BH, with everything

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:02 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

First I'd suggest asking your husband. I know it's uncomfortable, but he's your answer.

You also don't have to mention the infidelity directly. Make in known that if or when he wants to talk about anything (he's always thinking about it), you will actively listen and discuss with him. This isn't a one time offer either. Unless he specifically tells you to stop, continue to offer to listen often.

If/when you have things that you want to discuss. That can get a little trickier. A scheduled time may be the way to go. Like a weekly check in to discuss your progress and set backs (you will have them). Don't expect any gold stars here either. You metaphorically shot him, and now you're working to better yourself? Don't get discouraged if he's not as happy or excited that you're evolving.

If you're making positive steps, doing the right things, working on yourself. Odds are he sees that. Even if he doesn't see them. These positive changes will benefit you as well. So don't quit.

You have to feel and believe that you've changed for the better, otherwise why would anyone else?

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 9:08 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

Self regulation check in:

I fell out of touch with the reality of the situation at hand. My BH was acting as if thing were all good and I fell back into life is wonderful thinking. I neglected my BH by not reaching out to him for too long. I allowed my BH to think I no longer cared. I do care about my BH and his emotional and mental wellbeing.

I'm was not actively showing my BH I was working on our marriage. I'm currently rereading How to help your spouse heal from your affair. I have notes and starta of letters my BH.

I have told my sister of my actions, I have asked BH if I can speak to his family he is not ready for that. At the moment we are planning a separation so he doesn't want me to involve his family. I have told him my offer is open ended.

As far as the rest of my family...my dad is a trigger for the both of us so I'm distancing ourselves from him. I do not speak to my mother so ... that leaves my brother who is also distant. I do not know who else to tell. I will ask my BH what his expectations are if he care to have an input at this point in time.

Thank you.

I doubt your husband was acting like things were all good. Maybe things were good for him for a little bit. For a BS, feeling ok after betrayal can just feel wrong. He may not think he can feel that way or it's too soon. A BS letting their guard down to a WS is dangerous after all. Remember its a roller coaster that seemingly never ends. Lots of ups and downs.

Use this as a learning experience. Don't allow yourself to become complacent. As WS's we spent way too much energy willingly hurting our partners. They deserve that amount of effort X 1000, for healing to occur.

Respect your husbands wishes about confessing. Unfortunately a BS can carry a lot of shame after being betrayed, so telling others can feel like admitting to their own failures. Continue to reassure him that it wasn't his fault.

It's a good thing to be willingly open and honest about your infidelity, but make sure you aren't just looking to have stones thrown at you. Don't tell everyone and anyone, just so you can have your shame verified. Does that make sense?

Rereading that book is great. Has your husband read it? If not, I'd suggest offering it to him or maybe reading it together. What kind of actions does your husband want to see, to show that you care? You certainly should be preemptive with your actions but maybe you are missing things that he is looking for.

I know I keep harping on talking with your husband. I think most of us stop communicating (or at least properly) before the affair. It's important to regain that.

I doubt your husband was acting like things were all good. Maybe things were good for him for a little bit. For a BS, feeling ok after betrayal can just feel wrong. He may not think he can feel that way or it's too soon. A BS letting their guard down to a WS is dangerous after all. Remember its a roller coaster that seemingly never ends. Lots of ups and downs.

I need to read this every day. I have to keep myself in check. My BH has a huge about of patience for me but I need to show him I'm in this I'm not dragging my feet. I have to not let the daily life as a mom and wife distract me. (I'm still doing all my "wifey" tasks...cooking, cleaning, etc. 🙂 and I love doing them) I know what I have to do. Now I have to show with my actions I get it and understand what I know. And rereading How to help your Spouse is keeping me on the right focus.

It's a good thing to be willingly open and honest about your infidelity, but make sure you aren't just looking to have stones thrown at you. Don't tell everyone and anyone, just so you can have your shame verified. Does that make sense?

Yes. I am a private person so this was very difficult for me to address. And as of now I will only be sharing with my sister. And the conversation I had her left me feeling angry, disappointed and confused. I told my BH about everything said and he was grateful for for my honestly but wasn't surprise about my sister's response.

I know I keep harping on talking with your husband. I think most of us stop communicating (or at least properly) before the affair. It's important to regain that.

It is very important for me to hear and learn. And I honestly need it and I thank you.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:41 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

Triggers. How to deal with them... This is the hardest thing to me. I don't know how to help my BS with triggers. I don't know how to deal with mine so I just blocked my biggest trigger my dad. I just want to be there for BS but I struggle with the right words to say. BS doesn't want to hear apologizes....he doesn't want to hear I'm sorry.

I don't want to make any more small mistakes. Because the small ones are huge these days and I understand why. How do I change, I want to change so bad.

Triggers. How to deal with them... This is the hardest thing to me. I don't know how to help my BS with triggers.

have you ever asked him what he needs when he triggers? Sometimes its hard to know in the moment even for themselves. But only one way to know and thats to step into their pain and go through the motions with them. We have to push ourselves past our own fears if we are ever truly going to be any help.

Have you educated yourself on trauma and triggers? That would be a good starting point familiarizing yourself.

I think at the very least validate his feelings when he triggers. His trauma brain is reminding him how unsafe we are. Even if our actions now are proving otherwise, his brain is saying, "yeah but remember this horrible thing she did? we should protect ourself" and thats a very valid thought. Its incredibly hard to try and forgive your abuser, let alone continue to have a life with them.

Also, to add to the validation, make sure you are showing empathy and gentleness for his trigger. I assure you he's not going around looking for them. They hit out of nowhere sometimes, and sometimes they will find him. Its hard to avoid every little thing thats going to trigger but, you can often anticipate them, then be proactive.

BS doesn't want to hear apologizes....he doesn't want to hear I'm sorry.

yeah mine got tired of my apologies as well. I think after so long they begin to feel pointless or something. I remember him saying "I know you are sorry, I don't need to hear it anymore" so I stopped. We need to drive the R bus, but take directions from the passenger. If he wants you to stop then stop. Find other ways with your actions that will show him just how sorry you are.

I don't know if you've mentioned it elsewhere but when was your dday? I actually feel terrible for your BH having no clue who he was marring. Its very possible he would have made different life choices knowing he was deceived so early into the relationship. He very well feels his whole life was robbed from him and thats tough information to live with.

Forever,

Thank you for responding. I have asked my BS what would help him, he couldn't answer the question. I do need to reach out again but maybe come to the table with some ideas. Some things I could do or say to show him I care and want to support him.

My story of infidelity, I don't know if I have ever gone into the detail I'm going to divulge. I met BS in the summer of 2005, I was 20 he was 24. When I met BS, I was already having sex with AP. BS and I started to date and a few weeks into dating he made it clear he didn't want to date me if I was going to be have sex with other people. I didn't stop seeing AP. This continued for 6 months. I ended it with AP on my own. During the 6 months of dating BS and having sex with AP my feelings flipped. Then the night came BS told me he Loved me. And I never slept with AP again. I ended my PA and ended all contact. BS didn't know about my PA until about a month after we moved in together and about 7 months after I ended the PA. He found out by reading my journal. He confronted me and I said yes I slept with him but I lied that I ever had feelings I said it was strictly FWB. AP had no emotional feelings towards me and I did like him. But I lied and said No I didn't have feeling for AP. At this point in time I'm 21 he is 25 and we were leaving together one month. We pushed through that. We never talked about it because I would panic and get defensive. And we still pushed through.

Fast forward to 2013, I get a phone call from an "old friend" aka ex hs bf. And that sparked a 4 week EA. We texted all the time. We never saw each, never sent photos, never talked sexual or directly about feelings. I did develop feelings for him and instead of shutting it down. I continued to talk to EA and then I posted online on a forum, (missed connections) that I was having feeling for someone and that it wasn't my boyfriend. My boyfriend did find this post when he used my the same night I posted. When he confronted me I lied and said yeah I wrote it but it was not to ex bf. I didn't talk about what happened and whenever BS tried I would get defensive and anxiety would run me over like a mac truck. We pushed on.

We planned and had a baby got married before baby came. And then planned and had second baby all in 22 months. During that time we dealt with postpartum depression, moving, buying a car, breast feeding and me becoming a SAHM. We just pushed on. During this time my BS would occasionally bring up my EA and I lied and rug swept.

Then we had a breaking point Sept / Oct 2020. BS finally asked me and demanded I tell him everything tell him to the truth. He just lost it and laid it all on the line. I told him yes I did have feeling for AP and when I posted online in 2013 it was to ex bf.

And since Sept/Oct 2020 we have been on a real rollercoaster. BS has not given up on me and we have never spent a night a part. We still are intimate, we communicate a lot we don't fight a lot. But when we do fight it's 99.9% of the time it's because my actions don't match my words. I'm working hard but it's like I'm doomed to make little mistakes and it's the little mistakes that make him question weather I can handle the big stuff that comes along like male attention or temptation. But I know I will never betray my H again I will never cross boundaries.

Thank you for the clarification. It helps.

So when you say "little mistakes" what do you mean by that?

They would be little mistakes if BS had trust for me. Most recently I have fallen asleep while on the phone with him. He works graveyard and I work kid hours. So instead of telling my BS I was tried and needed my sleep I tried to push myself to talk to him. Instead of being honest with him or myself I fell asleep and in doing that I made him feel like shit. Like I didn't care like what he was saying didn't mean anything to me. (BS even said if we had a different past me falling asleep wouldn't have been a big deal)

BS and I have talked about that night and we have discussed in detail why I didn't tell him I needed to sleep. And since that night I have been able to tell him, sorry I gotta sleep tonight. And he wasn't mad or upset like I assumed he would be.

We have also touched on triggers but we still don't have a plan. I know triggers can't be forever avoided so we will have to learn how to deal and address them together.

I think one of the biggest take aways from my experience was honesty. That seems like a no brainer but for me it was very hard to speak the truth. And for many reasons. Either I was protecting my feelings or felt like I had to protect their feelings. I'm sure you didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying you needed to get some sleep, perhaps you felt he would take that as rejection or that you just don't want to talk to him anymore. Lies and avoidance will always set you up for failure. Even with the best of intentions.

My codependency told me that it was my responsibility to keep the peace at all costs. That I was responsible for my partners feelings both good and bad. That laid a path of lie after lie. I also assume a lot. And so, if my thought was "this is going to hurt them" its better to avoid the hurtful truth.

That kind of thinking can lead you to make all kinds of little mistakes along the way. To some it may seem like nitpicking and meaningless. But, I think if anything seems like a reasonable need from your BS, I urge you to consider it, try become a little more selfless and mindful.

It may feel like a lifetime ago from your original dday, but seems like lots of rugsweeping was done. The bandaid was ripped off last October, major TT followed, its very fresh for him.

Wow! EXACTLY I felt like if I told him I needed my sleep and didn't want to talk that BS would feel rejected and get mad, upset, or worse hurt. I felt guilty wanting just to say, NO to BS. It was only been a few days since this happened and we are on a peaceful calm streatch at the moment. BS pointed out that its like every two weeks I do something that let's him down. And I read by in my journal and it's like almost to the darn day of two week between each little mistake. I'm starting to freak out the closer it gets to two weeks.

To help myself rememeber everything I need to do I have a very detailed planner, I look at it at least twice a day. But I do noticed I tended to drop usage of my planner and then shit hits the fan. So I have to be focused and use the tools I have at hand. I have to focus.

And YES I have to focus more on my BS not just what I have to get done but what my BS is saying and asking of me. Focus on what he is asking of me.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I did reach out to BS once more and he didn't have an idea as to what I can do during a trigger moment. Do you have a good starting point for me to looking into trauma? I have seen some youtube videos and read some blogs and such. But if you have some resourses that helped you I would be very interested.

Unfortunately I didn't keep track of the location of my findings. When I was in research mode Google became my friend. I would type in key words and scoured the articles that popped up. So maybe for you right now, you could try something like "infidelity trauma" or "helping someone with triggers" topics like these should give you very reliable information. And don't settle for the first page of your findings.

There is a book that is widely advised here, and I think no matter where you are in this journey its always a good read to better understand infidelity. I revered the book as my bible. It's called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda J Macdonald.

And I would encourage you to stop calling it little mistakes. If you tell yourself something enough times you start believing it. To me it seems like this is a high priority to correct these actions, so label it something that reflects that. Like, inaction or poor choices. It needs emphasis because its something that is truly hurting your BH. Little mistakes is dismissive. Wouldn't you agree? I imagine they feel like big things to your BH.

If you want to learn more about the effects of trauma, I strongly recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. It's not a practical guide like the MacDonald book, so I'd start with foreverlabeled's rec, but van der Kolk opened my eyes to what it's like to live with PTSD and what kind of therapies can help.

And I would encourage you to stop calling it little mistakes. If you tell yourself something enough times you start believing it. To me it seems like this is a high priority to correct these actions, so label it something that reflects that. Like, inaction or poor choices. It needs emphasis because its something that is truly hurting your BH. Little mistakes is dismissive. Wouldn't you agree? I imagine they feel like big things to your BH.

Yes and Yes! you are right. I shouldn't call them little. They are not little mistakes. I'm not trying to minimalize my actions. It is a high priority and I am taking huge steps to correct myself. I have been following through with my plans, I'm open when I cannot do something. I have a huge issue with saying no. It is something BS and I have discussed in detail. And he is actually encouraging me to say "No" not just to other people but to him as well.

I'm growing as an individual so I can bring the best me to our marriage. At the moment I'm unable to go to IC and we are unable to go to MC as well. But we are in a calm place and we have been talking about some tough subjects.

I have read Linda MacDonanld's book a lot. My book has a lot of notes written in the pages. I do read it often.

This weekend was amazing. We had a great time spending together as a family. Family dinner and movie night. Then we had intimate time, we still are being intimate. But a while back BS said he thinks about me having sex with AP while he is having sex with me. And this I can't shake it. I feel like I'm tourting my BS by being intimate with him. BS doesn't seem to be effected by his thoughts At least our sex life isn't effected. Unless BS isn't telling me the truth on everything but I have no doubts to not believe what he says. I have expressed my concerns, it wasn't the most calm or gentle manner I was very emotional. But he reassured me he still wants to be intimate. And he will initiate as well so I don't believe his thoughts are preventing him from enjoyment.

I enjoy our intimate time but there are times I will get a rush of guilt and then worry about my BS and what he is feeling and thinking. BS hasn't held his feelings or thoughts back so I have no reason not to believe him, when he reassures me he is enjoying himself. I just wish he didn't have those thoughts and I know I'm responsible. I know my choices made this happen.

It's been one week since my last mistake that led to me letting my BS down. I'm staying focused and not letting myself get overwhelmed and I'm saying, "No" when I feel I can't do something. And asking for help when I need it. BS has been supportive when my new honesty and really it's becoming easy. I use to think if I said, "No" BS would feel rejected. But he doesn't and he is supportive it feels amazing.

***Edit to clarify..

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 6:27 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]