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My NB was going great...then along comes a 'trigger'

Palmetto9213 posted 11/9/2020 18:54 PM

January will mark 2 years since I asked my ex-husband to move out; I was his 3rd wife, our divorce is final and I am living a happier, healthier single life- I've begun dating, but I'm not committed to any one person, and I am content with myself and my life.

One of my adult step-daughters (from his 1st ex-wife) came to visit me last week (she lives 4 hours away) for the first time since my split from her Dad. This young lady (36 y/o) has sought IC to understand the impact her Dad's poor choices have had in her own life, she's very self-aware, and we talked about her fears that she has 'inherited' his worst traits. We had a wonderful visit and during one of our "staying up late" gab sessions....she told me that my ex-husband/her Dad is currently dating his ex-wife #2.....she is not happy about this as she never had a good relationship with this woman when her Dad was married to her. Her telling me this was in the context of "he'll never change, he's still making poor choices, in fact, he's now dating his ex" and I truthfully assured her that I was just thankful that I had removed myself from my toxic marriage to him and that I am happy and thriving.

I met my ex-husband when he was separated from this woman, his wife #2, and she would contact me to badger me-she called it 'warning me' ...to insist that he still loved her, that he didn't love me, yada yada yada...but then all of her communication ceased when he lost his job and he couldn't cover her health insurance...all of a sudden, she granted him the divorce she had been fighting. We got married 18 months later, and we didn't hear from her again during our marriage.

The fact that he is dating HER just galls me and has been taking up space in my head since my stepdaughter told me this...I have been so focused on my own healing and growth, that I never really gave his life any thought. I guess I'm just surprised to realize that I don't want him to be happy if it's with her. I want to not care that he's dating, or care at all what he does....I thought I was there, but then this news has me pissed!

I KNOW that I am free from the life of Hell that was the last 5 years of my marriage to him. I am in better shape emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally than I ever was when with him, and I now know what deal breakers are how to enforce my boundaries and get MY needs met.

So I guess the point here is that it's really the first 'trigger' for me, I just wanted to purge this from my head by posting it here....There, now it's purged and I'm over it. Thanks for being my sounding board SI, this site has been such a blessing to me

The1stWife posted 11/10/2020 07:32 AM

Broken people sometimes attract broken people.

Hes willing to go back to a relationship that clearly was toxic and not healthy for either party. The XW2 is an idiot for taking him back but clearly shes got her own issues.

What you need to see is that he went back to a bad relationship or situation. That tells you how broken he is. It also tells you that hes willing to do NOTHING to help himself and continue to make poor choices.

I understand your anger. Anyone but her b/c she made your life difficult. But you can look at it this way. Hes now back in a bad relationship and is too stupid to know it. And it will implode and it is affecting his relationship with his children.

How sad for him. Be thankful its not you.

EvenKeel posted 11/10/2020 08:40 AM

Ugh - I am sorry this triggered you. Give yourself a break, you are barely 1/2 year out from your D. There is a whole different type of healing that starts from that point than the healing that starts with the separation.

It is common for people to revisit relationship with their ex's (btdt). You get sucked back in by the traits that first attracted you and typically it all falls apart for the same reasons you ended that R before. But that doesn't matter. As 1stwife said - broken attracts broken so may they get all the happiness they deserve.

You just keep doing you. Your recovery with go through rollercoaster effects and this is just one of them. W#2 is irrelevant to the new you!

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