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Friends and Fun

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steadychevy posted 3/20/2021 14:03 PM

Just a thought,countrydirt. I hesitate because it seems like throwing cold water to me.

Have you read the book "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How You Can Find - and Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller? Those with the avoidant attachment style get uncomfortable when things seem to be getting to close and look to put distance between them and the OP.

My XWW has an avoidant attachment style. How I wished I had known all of this stuff 49 years ago when I first met her. My psychologist recommended the book. I think my XWW was comfortable with the LTA because it was either FWB or NSA but she said a couple of times it seemed to her that he was maybe wanting more shortly before she ended it.

If this is totally not worth your while please ignore it. Might be a good read anyway. I struck home with me about my XWW and hopefully useful for the future.

countrydirt posted 3/21/2021 15:39 PM

steadychevy - thanks for the suggestion. We actually talked about that very thing. Her experience in the dating world has been she discovered things about the men she dated that made her hesitant to get any more attached. She admits that something is very different about our relationship. When she hit the "run away" stage, she argued with herself and she won the argument. I keep meeting her checkboxes for safety and whatnot. I've met a couple of the men she dated and while good guys, were not really stable or established in a careers and were more about fun, not about having a great life.

I know she hasn't dated anyone of my maturity and stability. She says she's never been treated with the kind of respect I treat her with and I don't believe she's been treated like a lady in many years. As the pandemic restrictions loosen in my part of Colorado, we have more opportunities for actual dates but still enjoy being "foodies" together. She gave me some ideas about the ergonomics in my kitchen and food prep gets easier every day (I have a fantastic kitchen for cooking) and since I was the main cook for most of my marriage, it's not hard to keep that going.

Both of us had a couple of "what the?" moments when were referred to as boyfriend and girlfriend by other folks we were with when the the other wasn't with us. I suggested that I had not been referred to as a 'boy' for many years and wasn't sure what I thought of that. She suggested that maybe we could be lifetime adventure partners with the implication that we hope to be together for a lifetime. I like that.

We are both consenting adults and just like the other night dancing, realize it is sort of silly to try and hide the relationship. This has been good for both of us. I give her stability and fun. She gives me a chance to act the age I feel, not my chronological age and the fun has been more than I expected. I am doing things away from her that I never would have continued to do like several hour solo mountain bike rides - complete with scrapes and bruises from riding too fast or on stuff too technical - working out at the gym regularly, talking to strangers, getting more engaged socially with co-workers, opening up about my life with friends and not worrying so much about tomorrow. Also, did I mention that I am within 5 pounds of the weight I was when I graduated from college 35 years ago? Good nutrition and activity!

It's all good. Tonight I'm off to have dinner with a former sister-in-law and playing music with her and her husband. Looking forward to it!

Anna123 posted 3/21/2021 16:36 PM

Just a side-bar - I can be quite overly careful, but I would suggest you never being alone with that child for any reason, no matter what. A child that would falsley claim a bloody nose came from a parent has some major issues. And to be willing to continue to lie to this extent, for some reason or another, may show some real deep seated aggresion. Poor thing has something going on.

countrydirt posted 3/24/2021 08:16 AM

Just a side-bar - I can be quite overly careful, but I would suggest you never being alone with that child for any reason, no matter what. A child that would falsley claim a bloody nose came from a parent has some major issues. And to be willing to continue to lie to this extent, for some reason or another, may show some real deep seated aggresion. Poor thing has something going on.

Anna123, absolutely!

She received a call from her lawyer yesterday while we were on top of a really steep mogul ski run. We were just getting ready to start down when her phone rang and she took the call. The gist of it was that the judge agreed with everything she testified at during the hearing last week and she gets her parenting time with her 13 and 8 year old. Also, the judge said the dangerous 11 year would stay with his dad full time (which is what she requested) and that he was ordered to get a psych eval and continued therapy (which the dad has resisted greatly and dynamically) and pretty much slapped down the dad for abusing the legal system over the past 8 years - over 900 motions filed - 6 in the last 4 weeks alone) The judge also implied that she has a pretty strong case for slander against the ex's family for leaving bogus negative reviews against her business.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 8:19 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

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