Well, it gets better...
I got a text from OBS this morning and he apologized for being weird last night, apparently he had smoked all day and was really high. I can't believe that didn't dawn on me. He said she was there with him but he believes she did contact H.
I decided to stop giving her anything that made her feel important. I just said "No problem, she is irrelevant to me, I only wanted you to know to protect you." That's it. I didn't ask any more questions, and I am not going to keep feeding her anything to make her feel like she has upset me or made me nervous about anything. Fuck her.
Hey Hiking, can I first say that your c-bomb line did make me spit my tea over my keyboard so can I thankyou for that! And I believe you speak for us all on that one!
I wish I was trying to be funny. I had actually said some other stuff but I didn't want to worry anyone so I deleted it.
You're getting a ton of advice and I know you are processing, processing, processing, and I understand how you feel about context and why you are struggling to completely detach from whether you have a part to play in his A.
The fact is you may have a part to play in his unhappiness, but not his A
I keep thinking I am actually doing okay separating it, and I don't feel I am to blame for him doing this. I feel like he has done it to himself as much as he has me. I know that's a weird thing to say, but this shit isn't fun from his role either and he has complicated things spectacularly for himself. I wouldn't want to have to go back to day 1 as the WS for the world, either.
I feel like all these truths are true at once:
1. Yes, I definitely contributed to his unhappiness, and unlike many of the BS's here I did so willfully and unnecessarily. I didn't just contribute to his unhappiness, I created his unhappiness with me as his wife. I took away my value as his wife. And I gave him the anger to precipitate his sense of entitlement.
2. Unhappiness is not a reason to cheat. And noone is entitled to cheat.
3. I will never know if he would have done it without my cheating, unless I learn there have been others. But, it doesn't matter why - the results are still the same. What he needs to do is still the same.
4. He is not a safe partner for me right now, and I have to take most of what he says with a grain of salt because I do not know the truth. He has opened my eyes now and I will keep them open.
5. That doesn't mean I haven't been given the truth either. That remains to be seen.
6. As long as he is doing what he needs to be doing, I will continue to try to add to the trust I have built so far as the WS. That is not a veiled threat to cheat, I just mean I will still provide him the transparency I would have otherwise, I will still do that side of the street in interest of positioning us for a successful outcome. I will not contribute any more to our failure.
7. At the same time my real feeling right now is I don't owe him a goddamned thing. Doesn't matter, I owe it to myself. I will only do my part, he has to do his.
8. I think it helps that am familiar with WS bullshit. I am watching for it, spotting it, and for the most part in those ways I do not really take it personally. That part is all his shit, just like it was my shit. I do think this is an advantage because it's letting me be proactive rather than reactive and reeling at shit he says. I expect him to be full of shit.
9. I will not tolerate lying, TT, breaking NC. I do not offer second chances on that. This is his second chance he better grab that by the horns and hold on.
10. Some of what he has told me I am not sure how I come back from. At the same time, my logical self knows its too early to call.
So, overall, if I am talking about my affair or how it effected him, it's just factual. It does not change my boundaries at all. I feel like being here and reading and writing to all you guys over the last 3 years, there are ways that I can let my logic dictate my terms. I had a head start on a lot of knowledge.
It was good to write all that out, I think I might print that list and refer back to it. I mean it all, but I am having a moment of clarity right now. Calm is a fleeting thing and I need to hold myself to what I just said.
There is a lot of grey area when it comes to my emotions and those are all over the place. I know I can't always trust my emotions.
I am doing all the things I have been doing for the past couple of years - being mindful of my thoughts - are they true, are they helpful, etc. Managing self talk is something I practiced every day. I feel kind of okay this morning, but I did just get done giving the AP a big fuck you through her OBS, so I might be stitched together on caffeine and adrenaline.
I still feel exhausted by it all, and I don't feel like making myself do the chores or any of that. He will be coming home today to a pile of laundry and dishes. I have been having takeout ever day. I have to get some of this under control because I have worked really hard to find my happy path, take care of myself, get fit. I see people on here say they lose a lot of weight. Nope, if I am upset I eat and sit around and watch TV. I have been a total sloth this week and I gotta give myself a push.