Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
manipulated

Topic is Sleeping.
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 4:52 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

had to participate in the changeover today ,so spent roughly 10 mins around her, done the jobs she can't do , because they have to be done for the new holidaymakers ,

she was quite jovial, I asked if she wanted any more help on the changeover and she said no , so I just left her to do it,

which includes emptying the garbage bin that was full of rubbish not in plastic bags, as for some reason they just chuck everything in the bin loose inc dog pooh bags, this is a job I always did.

she just been round here and can't even look at me still, its been ages since she could look me in the face but I never really noticed till now.

she asked my 12year old if she could have 5 mins with her mom, and my daughter said no thanks ,bye.

I don't know if im right or wrong in what I said to my daughter next .

I said don't be like that , and she gave her a kiss .

should I have kept out of it

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596321
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 7:28 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

so just received a text out the blue in front of my eldest , that she has gone to stay the night again at boys house, my youngest 9 , still doesn't know as she out playing still, just up left and abandoned them again

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596339
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 7:32 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

concerning your question on the 180:

This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.

I am not a fan of this part, which can make it seem as if the 180 is to win them back as opposed to protecting yourself. Especially in your case since she is not asking for R. Remember the purpose of the 180 is for YOUR MIND to 180. Not to do it thinking how it will affect her.

As far as finances and the home I would stop making any offers. She deserves nothing since she is the cheater. I would act quickly protecting funds while she is in La La land and get her to agree to and sign whatever is requested by your lawyer. The fact she said she wants the house is concerning. You and your children need to keep everything you can. If after the separation is legal and final, and if you still feel a desire to help out the cheater, do so from that position of control.

she asked my 12year old if she could have 5 mins with her mom, and my daughter said no thanks ,bye.

I don't know if im right or wrong in what I said to my daughter next .

I said don't be like that , and she gave her a kiss .

should I have kept out of it

I don't agree with pushing children away from their natural reaction to a cheating parent. I would recommend keeping out of it from now on except to start reminding your daughter that you and cheater both love her and none of this is your her (daughters) fault, including the night he Mom took off. Remind the little one a lot, she will need it.

Also keep any of your feelings or opinions on what her mother is doing now to yourself. Just be honest if questions are asked, and let them know the facts from a strong "we will be okay" point of view. After the dust settles a bit you could let them know that it is still good for children to have a relationship with both parents and you support that if that is what they choose.

Take care, so sorry you are dealing with this.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8596340
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 7:38 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

so just received a text out the blue in front of my eldest , that she has gone to stay the night again at boys house, my youngest 9 , still doesn't know as she out playing still, just up left and abandoned them again

Screen shot the text, document and save.

Your poor babies!! Their mother is beyond my comprehension! They will be needing you going forward. Maybe you can do something over-top-fun to distract the younger one for a bit. If she has something fun to mix up her thoughts before she sleeps, I am a believer that helps the emotional memories from that day not form so solid. I could be completely off on that but it wouldn't hurt to try.

Take care. You and your children are in my prayers.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8596341
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 8:16 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

@anna123

I will keep out of the kids reactions from now, I acted as I normally would and clapped back at her for what seemed like rudeness.

she has text her sister that as good as is, her reason for going was because my eldest refused to spend some time with her

the kids are furious , especially the eldest as she once again has been used as a catalyst for their mom to sleep away.

I don't know if I put it in my first post but WS asked eldest to go round and sleep with her that night, she declined and then ws just abandoned them the same night.

we've all just had a hug/cry , its killing me tbh, I am typing this in tears away from kids view .

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596351
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 9:31 PM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

I acted as I normally would and clapped back at her for what seemed like rudeness.

she has text her sister that as good as is, her reason for going was because my eldest refused to spend some time with her

Sounds like a good Dad reaction in normal situations. So sad you have to even think about that.

It seems as if the 12 year old is aware that Mom is "Using" her as an excuse, and is not the actual REASON for her going away. I would think reminding both her and the younger one that Mom has chosen to do what she wants to do and what you or they do is not causing her to run off.

In your case it's going to be difficult to maintain the neutrality I mentioned on this since Mom is actually blaming your daughter. Wow. This is bordering on child cruelty. Stay strong.

It would make sense for you to return to YOUR home with the children and let her find somewhere else to stay when the time comes. (not clear on the timing of that). If she runs in and out of home as she pleases it will really mess with the kids emotions. (and yours). Better solid just you and then they visit her with you as a safe home-base. Same for you if somehow she changes her personality and wants to R, you would still need the distance for quite a long time. I am not exactly clear on the set-up though.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8596373
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:58 AM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

Next time she happens to leave the children for the night to go and have sex. Go around pick up the children and go back to your place. Notify your lawyer and your version of child’s services to the abandonment. You can’t leave two innocent children alone even if you are in a van a few meters away. Anything could happen.

One day a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8596455
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ronjs ( Member #51741) posted at 3:52 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

Sorry for your pain and your situation.

Your partner is acting like a psychopath.

You are flogging a dead horse. Ignore her and live for your dear children.

Get tested for STD’s and see a lawyer ASAP about whether your relationship is a common law type marriage. Document everything and carry a recorder everywhere.

You don’t have anything to work with. You are worth a lot more than this.

Take care and God bless you and your children.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 8596493
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

kids text her last night begging her to come back , didn't reply to the text which was from my 9 year old in tears.

took the kids swimming today and passed them in the car on the way back up here.

well after returning today the kids went full rant at her, I could hear it all kicking off,

eldest gave her it both barrels saying how selfish to sent that message and go without saying goodbye and leave my dad and us in tears and leaving dad to console us again, she said you know how upset we were last time and you still gone and done it to us, eldest said yet again you have used me as an excuse to go,

and that she is stupid and breaking up a family for someone who you could be his mom.

they organised a family meal out 6 of them, so I was not invited obviously, my eldest said ill get you something when im there ( how sweet), the kids asked her to text me from the restaurant and she said no, so my 9yr old ranted at her quite loudly, why won't you let us text him, he is our dad for god sake, and she replied I know he is, the youngest then carried on ranting you better know he is our dad, because the OM isn't, and im shocked at this because you are old enough to be his mom for gods sake.

kids returned with a box of food that looked all messed up ( Sunday lunch )

I asked the kids why it was all messed up and they said that she had scraped off leftovers of everyones plates into the box,

I then had to explain that this was not acceptable behaviour to offer any human being,

youngest returned it to her and said dad said throw the scraps in the bin, youngest then called her a spiteful prick.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596498
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 6:08 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

I hate that you and your children are going through this. I believe that they feel the need to protect you even though you are not asking them to.

My advice would be to tell them that you will take it from here by taking notes and informing the judge of her behavior and that they should not get involved. Normally I'd say that even telling this to them would be putting them in the middle but I don't think you are going to be able to extracate them from the middle without some words.

Then I'd try to stop the drama of the back and fourth with the kids involvment. You can let her know via text "Documenting that you left the kids at home on such and such a date to be with your BF." Documenting that you did not come home on such and such a date to see/feed/take care of the girls because you stayed over at your BFs.

Normally, I'd tell you to do this in secret but since you honestly want her to spend time with the kids you might need to let her know. (less drama but less likely to stop this behavior).

I'm not blaming you but this route is not healthy for your girls. I'd look into counseling for them.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8596517
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Marriagesucks ( Member #46828) posted at 7:00 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

I asked the kids why it was all messed up and they said that she had scraped off leftovers of everyones plates into the box

Maybe it's possible to get a restraining order against your (GF) as she is wreaking havoc on your family with all the constant drama.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

posts: 2043   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2015
id 8596533
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 8:06 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

eldest has just returned and her mom said she was on the phone with th OM, trying to normalise it

I have text her to please keep her interactions with him away from the kids as they are upset/messed up enough

WTF is wrong with some people

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596543
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 8:15 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

she text back no, im being honest with them, im not sneaking around , im telling them the truth, no bull crap coming from me.

so I text back "please think of there mental health"

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596547
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 10:57 PM on Sunday, October 11th, 2020

Again shine a light on her actions.

This isn’t acceptable at any level.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8596584
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:47 AM on Monday, October 12th, 2020

You just cannot reason with stupid. Or selfish.

I’m sorry for you and your children.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8596660
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, October 12th, 2020

Good advice here. You can’t reason with stupid and selfish. Be there for your kids. Stop engaging in the back and forth. I second freeme’s advice. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8596685
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 4:23 PM on Monday, October 12th, 2020

@Freeme

Then I'd try to stop the drama of the back and fourth with the kids involvment. You can let her know via text "Documenting that you left the kids at home on such and such a date to be with your BF." Documenting that you did not come home on such and such a date to see/feed/take care of the girls because you stayed over at your BFs.

Normally, I'd tell you to do this in secret but since you honestly want her to spend time with the kids you might need to let her know. (less drama but less likely to stop this behavior).

I'm not blaming you but this route is not healthy for your girls. I'd look into counseling for them.

im not interested in her spending time with the kids, she clearly has no compassion for them so, ill keep it to myself for now, I have not consulted a lawyer as such yet, I was hoping to do this amicably, but after her texting me well a ranting last night that the girls are not being split up, it seems like I will have to get one £££££

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596712
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 2:23 AM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

You’re the male, so assume you will get completely creamed in a D without a lawyer...get one now!

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8596843
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 11:42 AM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

got lawyer appointment Friday

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596903
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:48 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I think I you need it. Custody hopefully will be resolved in your favor and you can start to heal.

I don’t understand parents who just walk away from children.

I’m sorry for you and your children.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8597019
Topic is Sleeping.
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