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He was working from home at the same time, so I did the Zoom session with my therapist from my car in the garage. Still not sleeping well. Well, I sleep great until I wake up at 4a, wide awake with my heart pounding. I've been so consumed this entire marriage about making sure HE was happy and had what he needed that I don't know what I want now that the marriage is over. I've been telling myself this same story, that I love him and that might be enough. But I'm grateful to my therapist for pointing out the extremely low probability that this could go on to work. For pointing out that he's single-handedly destroyed everything in this relationship that was important to me: My security and sense of belonging. She asked me what reconciliation would look like to me in the absence of trust, and it truly doesn't exist. So, I've GOT to get out of this house and gain some clarity away from him about what I want with no consideration given to what he wants or what's best for HIM. He's GOT to stop mattering to me.

I felt so much better for about an hour after I got off that call but now I can feel the darkness creeping back in again. Where's he at. Who's he talking to now. Why aren't I enough. When my attitude towards him should be he's a sick fuck who needs help that isn't my responsibility to give/care.

I may have found a viable roommate. Another woman a few years older than me in similar circumstances. She can also afford the type of place I'm looking at, so I'm pinning a lot of hope on that meeting later this week that things will work out and we can begin looking at houses. I've decided today that I want all my stuff out of this house. I want to be able to put this entire thing behind me without any hope at all for the future. If something happens by some miracle, the great. But, it won't be because I put any more eggs in this broken basket.

I also need to realize that he's a selfish motherfucker whose constant gifts to me were to offset the fact that he chose himself over me every time. The gifts were to make himself feel better about what he was doing and weren't given out of devotion like he'd tricked us all into believing (me included). From the outside, I'm a much-beloved wife. And I cared for him as if that were the reality. But, it wasn't. I was wrong. He's tried to tell me all along that he's an asshole. And each time he'd tell me that I'd blow him off and remind him of all the good he does in the world. Of the lives he's made better with his generosity. I should have listened. He's been telling me (and showing me in other ways) all along that I was wrong.

I’m glad your counselor provided you with some good suggestions and are listening to. No marriage can be satisfying without trust (unless you really don’t care what your spouse does).

I think you are strong for realizing you need to focus on YOU.

When you start to wonder where he is or who he’s with — remember he has everything he needs or desires in front of him. He’s just too stupid to realize it. And he knows you are a vest wife and person. It’s just that his fragile Rho and poor choices make him think he can cheat and be happy.

It’s like chasing your youth. It’s never going to happen again. You cannot go back and be 18 or 21 or 30 etc. Your cheating H is only happy b/c he’s getting away with something. In many cases the minute the betrayed spouse walks away, the cheater wants the spouse back. Because they need that thrill and challenge etc.

Please know your H cheats not because of you but in spite of you. Meaning you give him everything and he cheats anyway, b/c he is a broken person. He has issues. Serious issues.