Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Is There Ever Hope?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 SoEffingTired (original poster New Member #74527) posted at 4:01 AM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Is it worth it? Do you ever feel like you can let your guard down? You mention kids (which complicates your situation compared to mine). I just can’t figure out if love is enough. Some parts of me recoil at the thought of him anywhere near me, and others are freaking out that I don’t have my best friend to turn to.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: CO
id 8592014
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apache ( Member #74923) posted at 4:22 AM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:31 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2020
id 8592018
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:30 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Wow apache really hit the nail on the head. Excellent advice.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:55 AM, September 28th (Monday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8592054
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4everdevastated ( New Member #75382) posted at 8:08 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Currently dealing with the same issues however I snooped and found lots of women he was sexting by phone and online chat rooms. Plus porn and some stupid swingers site. He was uploading dick pics and having conversations with so many people. Then he tried to convince me it was a men’s site mostly. But didn’t like me asking if he was gay.

Uggg it’s been an awful year. It’s been almost 2 months since I found out and the lies continue.

I kicked him out of the house. Messaged his family about what he has been doing and now I’m working on me. This has totally blown me away so I get how you’re feeling. I would have done everything he talked to the other women about PLUS we were already in marriage counseling.

So is there hope? I just wish my heart would stop hurting so I can move forward. I can’t imagine what life will ever be like moving forward and I definitely feel too old for this bullshit.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020   ·   location: AZ
id 8592207
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 SoEffingTired (original poster New Member #74527) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, too, 4ED. I was literally doing exactly what he wanted while he was sexting everyone, too. The sex was awesome. It just wasn't enough That, and I know that our communication wasn't the best. He saw as an attack anything that could even remotely be construed as critical of him which eliminated any real conversation. Being in the house together these past 10 days since I found out has been weird in so many ways but the thing I'm left with is how utterly tragic (in the truest sense of the word) it is that our marriage is ending because of a misunderstanding. That he wasn't necessarily rejecting ME; he was trying to fill a need that couldn't be met. And while I can feel sympathy for that and still love him as much as I always have as my best friend, I also can't waste any more of my life filling it for him on the off chance that something will happen that will help him understand he has to do this for himself. I can't keep waiting to be enough. I deserve to be enough. I think I've finally figured out that this is the reason that I'm not already long gone.

I'm still looking for a house. We have a gorgeous large house, and the thought of moving from a home I love into some dingy little shitty apartment makes me even more depressed (i.e., instant tears), so I'm not rushing to just "get out" and am instead trying to find another professional adult may be in a similar situation with whom to share expenses on a house with a yard that will feel like HOME to both of us. I'm sick that my entire life, my security, has been pulled out from under me completely against my will.

He's in IC twice a week now. NOW it's a priority. But, he's also not holding out a lot of hope to me that he even wants to reconcile at any point in the future. That may be because I've made it very clear that the tiny shred I've left open is prefaced with the caveat that "I can't see how right now, but...". I know my immediate bolting from the marraige hurt his feelings. I also think that as long as I'm in the same house as him, I'm never going to figure out what's right for me because my pattern is to always make sure that he's okay ahead of all else.

Interviewing a potential roommate on Wednesday night after work, and looking at three more houses this week. Really need to get the roommate situation sorted as soon as possible as rent in our area is one of the most expensive in the nation.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: CO
id 8592212
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 8:37 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

I know my immediate bolting from the marraige hurt his feelings. I also think that as long as I'm in the same house as him, I'm never going to figure out what's right for me because my pattern is to always make sure that he's okay ahead of all else.

This is very telling. It's a good idea to physically separate yourself if you can't stop putting him above yourself.

Who cares if it hurt his feelings? You leaving the relationship is a natural and expected consequence of him cheating. He'd have to be living under a rock or raised by wolves not to know that relationships often end when someone cheats. And he did know full well because you told him at DDay #1. His feelings are hurt because he thought that you'd be desperate to keep him. His ego is hurt because he thought whatever good things he brought to the table would cause you to overlook the disrespect. It has NOTHING to do with what you decide and everything to do with his own perception of himself. Turns out, he's really not all that and, SHOCKER!, you're considering choosing to save yourself over suffering with a spouse who keeps cheating on you and expecting you to lower yourself in order to keep him. He is NOT worth it. No one is!

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8592218
Topic is Sleeping.
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