Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Betrayed / hurt / confused / broken...for a second time

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Xyz1234 (original poster New Member #75441) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hello I have just joined this. I have been married seven years & we have three children under six. When my first born was a couple of months old I discovered my husband had been having an affair for just over a year (ie. throughout my whole pregnancy & beyond). The affair was emotional & sexual. It ended because I found out. We went through a lot of heartache & worked through it together - he went to counselling, changed his phone number etc. He was very repentant & wanted to change his behaviours. He had been in a very dark place mentally which contributed to the start of the affair. I did not confide in family or friends at the time in order to protect him. I have recently discovered that he had another affair - lasting a couple of months, mainly sexual rather than emotional & it has been over for a few years. I do believe him that there have been no other affairs since. However he has betrayed me again after seeing me at my lowest ebb when I was completely broken. After swearing he could never do that to me again. I am so torn between wanting to believe him & want the best for our children & our family, against knowing that he has a dark side to him that has allowed him to do this in full knowledge of the impact & consequences. He has been so selfish & for nothing. Both women are people he works with & has continued to work with which makes me hugely uncomfortable. He had also continued to have contact with them via text/social media against my wishes saying it was an attempt to keep things professional/civil. I have discovered there have been other women he has exchanged flirty messages with, both online random women he doesn’t know & women from real life. I guess I’m seeking experiences from others as to whether couples have successfully worked through serial affairs or whether to accept his behaviour is unlikely to change & cut my losses. I feel so lost.

Edited to add he again is hugely sorry for his actions, appears to be heartbroken & says he wants to make our marriage work.

[This message edited by Xyz1234 at 4:58 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8587964
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inthedark99 ( Member #66168) posted at 11:09 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

sorry you are here xz1234.

you are married to a serial cheater. that’s hard to come back from I’m sad to say. please start reading in the healing library, so that you can get yourself out of infidelity.

there’s a saying around here that you need to risk losing your marriage in order to save it. that can be done by exposing your husband to family, reaching out to all the betrayed partners, and detaching yourself from your husband by using the 180. gently, if you don’t do those things, you will stay in infidelity.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2018
id 8587972
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 Xyz1234 (original poster New Member #75441) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Thank you for your reply. I have told my family what is going on this time & he is staying with his parents & has told them why (albeit a somewhat abridged version). I have excellent family support thankfully. It is just so difficult to come to terms with.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8587976
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Both are co-workers and he still has contact.

Do they still work together? If so that’s not good.

And apparently he has no problem meeting up with co-workers. Quite the convenient operation and bed of opportunity so to speak.

You need to get some professional counseling for yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8587980
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 11:58 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

I am so sorry you are here. This has been a rough road for you so please remember to take care of yourself.

Edited to add he again is hugely sorry for his actions, appears to be heartbroken & says he wants to make our marriage work.

They all say that, at least 99% of them. It is always the actions we need to watch, the words mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. Please remember this over time in any discussions that you have in the future.

I don't see how you can continue at this point if he continues to be in contact with them for starters. If you do decide to reconcile the marriage, he needs to never see or contact these people again. Ever.

It would be a good idea to see a lawyer just so you know what your options are, no matter what you decide down the road. Definitely start very quietly setting aside emergency funds that only you have access to. This puts you in a position to be less vulnerable going forward even if he somehow proves his worth over time.

His pattern does not look good I am so sorry to say. The timing, the repeat, the disregard for you in the lying and continued contact. Consider the 1,000's of lies to pull all of that off. You alone with your (and his) babies, while he is out banging these sluts. (harsh but the truth, which is what you need to keep in mind).

I am SO happy you told your family. That alone will take some of that stress off you! Take care.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8587988
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

I have heard when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Also don't know the gender of your children, but boys don't need a role model like your wayward husband and I'm sure you wouldn't want any daughters to be treated in this nature. Take care of yourself and think about what you need from this point on. As for your WH, he needs to be remorseful and do the heavy lifting (Actions, not just words).

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8587993
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BellaLee ( Member #58324) posted at 1:12 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Hi @Xyz1234 I'm so sorry you've had to go through the pain of betrayal so many times and sad that your H has not kept to his vows or word. You sound like a wonderful and forgiving person and my heart goes out to you.

I know from my own experience that for R to really work, there has to be two people who are truly committed to working on the relationship. I don't think it will be beneficial or healthy to your relationship, for you to just accept your H's behavior. It does seem to me that your husband really needs professional help to address the root issue of why he keeps having these affairs.

I remember when things turned in my marriage was when my husband decided for himself that wanted to change and not just because he wanted to make our marriage work but because he wanted to be the best version of himself. It took many months of individual and marriage counseling for us to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel but finally we did. I'm always rooting for marriages to be reconciled but I know it takes time, true remorse from the WS and two truly committed people for R to be successful . My prayer for you is that the near future will bring lasting healing for your emotions, wisdom and love that can be trusted. Sending you much hugs ))).

posts: 171   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8588808
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 Xyz1234 (original poster New Member #75441) posted at 2:45 PM on Saturday, September 19th, 2020

Thank you all. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster this week, going between breaking down in tears, shouting, and feeling numb. The more days that pass the more I am coming to terms with the fact this is now my reality. It is still early days - not yet two weeks since I discovered what’s been going - but I don’t think I want to see a future with him. I think that someone who can treat me, our marriage, our family, with such disregard isn’t someone I want to spend my life with.

Sofarsogood - what you said has been playing on my mind. My son adores his dad but I don’t want to raise him to believe that women, or indeed people, can be treated in this way. And if someone did this to my daughters I would not hesitate in telling them to run a mile, so I should be able to follow this myself.

I’m not yet ready to have legal involvement or make anything official as I know I’m still coming to terms with this & my mind is swinging back & forth but that is where I’m at at the minute. I’m struggling to envisage a future as a single mum with three young kids, that was never what I wanted & I want so much for my kids to be happy & feel safe.

BellaLee - the last time this happened I encouraged him to go to counselling etc but I think you are right, he has to want to do these things for himself & not at my request & so I am not going to tell him what to do this time. He can work it out for himself & if he takes himself on a journey of self discovery & improvement then all well & good but I’m not going to make that my problem.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8589378
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 5:42 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

I want so much for my kids to be happy & feel safe.

Your kids will feel safe and happy when you feel safe and happy. You can do that through R if your WH gets it together and actually works at fixing himself and the marriage or you get there through D but you don't get there through limbo, new DDays, and false Rs.

Since he said all of the same things he did before and went through counseling after the first DDay, do you really think there is anything left for him to do to make R successful this time? What more COULD he do that would guarantee that this isn't just a lead up to DDay #3? Don't listen to him saying he's sorry and wants to make it work. He did that before and look where you are today! His words are meaningless. So watch him closely and ask yourself if R is even possible if he's willing to lie, deceive, and cheat again after doing and saying everything right the first time around.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8589698
Topic is Sleeping.
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