freefaller,
Firstly, sorry you had to find this community, but you will find kindred spirits here, tempered by the fires you now face.
Well done on your restraint, but before you confront, please know that it is better to do so from a position of power.
You wish to reconcile. Sometimes to save a thing you must be willing to kill that thing. It sounds counter-intuitive, but please hear me out.
Right now your wife has the best of both worlds, you as stable provider and her lover as exciting Don Juan. You can not compete with the excitement of the new, no spouse can.
If you confront and immediately offer reconciliation, you put yourself in a position of weakness. Why would she stop the excitement if she knows you will still be there for her, no matter what?
The short answer is, she won't. Her body is flooded with endorphins and like a drug addict, through this she is addicted to her AP. Here it is referred to as being in the fog.
Unlike a large proportion of people here I do not subscribe to the fog as an excuse for post-DDay or post-confrontation behaviors, but the term will become relevant and you will see her actions upon confrontation in that context.
While she is in the fog (addicted to her AP), only one thing will snap her back to reality and that is the very real possibility of loosing you. For that reason, you must be willing to walk away from the marriage as much as that will hurt.
Before you confront
1) Consult with an attorney to see what your legal standing will be in case of a divorce.
I would go as far as to get the divorce proceedings started, you can always halt a divorce at any stage.
2) Purchase a [V]oice [A]ctivated [R]Recorder and keep it on you during the confrontation.
Not only will the VAR recording serve as a means to review the confrontation, it will also protect you legally and the following is very important.
There is a lot of examples here where the betrayed husband [BH] has been falsely accused of domestic violence [DV] by the Wayward-Wife [WW].
Most if not all of them thought that their wives were incapable of calling the police to make false statements and laying these charges. Those who had VARs could prove the charges to be false.
Although you have shown tremendous restraint, anger can come at any time now (you are still in shock) knowing that you are recording yourself may just serve to keep outbursts at bay.
3) Get your facts in order and stored away where she can not delete proof.
She is most likely going to deny and minimize. Have everything you can prove printed out (paper has actual weight).
Confront her with just enough facts for her to know that you know, keep the rest to yourself. She will see the stack of paper and assume you know absolutely everything. This assumption will help you to get answers to questions you don't know the answers to and would like to find out about.
Backup all your digital evidence and store it somewhere she can not find it. Waywards in the fog have been known to destroy evidence.
When you confront
1) First ask her for her phone and keep it in your possession.
This way she can not clear her text, WhatsApp and other Application conversations stored on the phone, although she will be able to clear social media from another device, this is still helpful. Deleted data can be recovered using software if it was stored on the phone.
2) Keep calm and the conversation to the point
This evidence is what I know. Show her the printouts. You have been doing this... Example from the printouts. What do you want to do? You can have a boyfriend OR me, not both. I have spoken to a lawyer and this is what it will look like. However if you do the following I will consider [R]econciliation.
1) [N]o [C]ontact
She immediately and without delay sends him a NC message in your presence stating in short order that it's over and she doesn't want any form of contact with him in future. No lovey-dovey, I'm sorry. Just plain, NC.
2) She hand over all passwords to all her electronic devices, email accounts and social media to you immediately. Full transparency is a must.
3) She answers all your questions openly and honestly.
4) She provides you with a written timeline of the affair from start to right now. Everything in every detail, as much as you are willing to handle. If you don't want sexually explicit details now, have her write both the X-rated and PG rated versions. Believe me, you want the X rated one later when new questions pop-up.
5) She agrees to submit to a polygraph test to verify that she has told you the truth.
I know there is a lot more to do in this, but please keep these bullet points in mind.
If you offer R straight away, you will loose her to the AP. In order to save your marriage, you must be willing to loose it. Offering R straight away is a marriage killer.
You will receive a lot of advice here, some would be useful, some not, please take only what you need.
Expose
Even if you R, the [O]ther [B]etrayed [S]pouse should at the very least be informed of the affair and be given the evidence that you have.
You need support, expose to close friends and family.
I've read the paths others have walked and I advise you to do the same, especially those who are already further down the line than myself. It has was my source of knowledge and strength.
Strength to you on this road you now must walk.
ETA:
Finances
It would be wise to take exactly half from your joint accounts and place it into an account only you have access to. You might want to consider freezing Credit Cards.
If she has no interest in reconciliation, she might just walk out and clean out your accounts.
Your wife has to cut enemies of your marriage out of her life as well. Demand NC with everyone who knew about the affair and didn't inform you. Her enabling friend C definitely has to go.
[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 3:47 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]
