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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 6:16 PM on Sunday, September 6th, 2020

Thank you for checking in paboy. I'm ok today. The only good side effect of this is that I've lost 15 pounds and wearing clothes that I haven't worn in years. Some I bought hoping to eventually fit in and now I'm wearing for the first time. I've always been athletic and in shape but 15 pounds is making me feel a bit more confident and sexier when most needed. Business is continuing very well and I feel confident in myself even despite this situation. WS has stuck by the house for almost two weeks straight. No suspicious disappearances, etc. We are sleeping apart so I'm sure he is probably still texting her at night (I'm not asking because what's the point?)but knowing he isn't seeing her calms me a bit more than before. I'm going about my life and I'm also noticing that he is noticing. I am feeling a bit more secure in just being okay no matter what happens. Nighttime is the worst however. I find myself dreading it. I long for the connection and get frustrated with the way things are. I suck it up and read a lot to keep me from obsessing and doing something stupid. My emotions are a bit more even toned, though I will take the anti-anxiety meds if needed. We're down to two days left before we vacate this home and head to our lake house. I'm sure a whole new batch of emotions will follow. Thankful I have this forum and for all of you.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8584183
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 6:32 PM on Sunday, September 6th, 2020

Glad you are alright. Have you made a decision to file? I did the in house separation deal for 5 months, with 3 kids at home. What a nightmare.

Any way you can separate? Seems strange he wants to remain in proximity. I wonder how he feels with others now knowing his true nature.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8584186
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 12:19 AM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

we vacate this home and head to our lake house.

Do you really think it’s a good idea?

Focus on what’s best for YOU.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8584266
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PricklePatch ( Member #34041) posted at 3:54 AM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

If he wants a child, what about a surrogate. They are in affair Lala land. He is moving with a 16 year old and going to have a hormonal pregancy and a screaming baby, not much money.

Unicorns pooping skittles, it is going to turn into a pile of poo. Kids are not easy 24/7.

I am sorry your going though this.

BS Fwh

posts: 3043   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8584335
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 4:18 AM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

I actually think it might not be a bad idea. Further away with some time to talk and re-focus. His first counseling session is Tuesday, my second one is a week from tomorrow. The fact that he hasn’t seen her in two weeks leading up to us moving is a positive sign in my mind. I’m not letting him go to our home while I have to go somewhere else and he is adamant about wanting to go. This lake house was paid for with his money from the house he sold when he moved in with me. In our state it doesn’t matter though. Either house (the one in my name and the one in his) are both considered “ours” as long as we are married. I’m preparing myself for either outcome but I’m not giving up at this point. I’m not chasing or catering to him but I am not giving up what is part mine, including my doggies. I’ve got several back up plans, along with an excellent support system, should things head further south.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8584348
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 7:48 AM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Just keep on keeping on. You haven't got to where you are now, without some sensibility in you.

I can actually see you tire of this carousal and pulling the plug.

Be good to yourself. Go out and get a mani/pedicure, a new hairstyle, more clothes, a new car...

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8584389
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 3:47 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

If you are considering R, it has to be with a spouse that is 100% committed to you. 99% won’t do. He has to be your protector and the protector of your marriage.

Your WH has always been free to leave your marriage (D that is). He wanted children? He can leave. He always wanted to be with a blond or a redhead or a tall woman or short woman or open marriage? He is free to leave.

It’s the same for you really. You always wanted to date a genius, or a millionaire or an entrepreneur ? You are free to leave the marriage.

He cannot have a GF on the side, have a child with her, and expect you to babysit while he goes to the movie with his GF.

He cannot sit on the fence and wonder if he should pick his wife or his GF. Just like you can’t drive a mustang and a BMW at the same time on the highway, jumping on one seat than the other.

If he stays, then he accepts you the way you are, and should be completely dedicated to you and your marriage. Anything else is unacceptable

One day at a time

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:54 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8584465
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Several back up plans and a support system is a good idea in this case.

Maybe he will come to his senses. But if not or you decide it’s too late for him then you know your next steps.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8584467
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RubixCubed ( Member #51615) posted at 9:43 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

The least that could be provided to those of us suffering like this is a freaking handbook. Up, down,Up, down and then sideways just to keep us on our toes. Fight, walk away, have pride, show love and empathy. AAAAAAAH! This completely and utterly SUCKS!

@Anniecake1,

You posted the above a few days back. The jerking you around is only because you keep giving him 2nd (and 3rd, and 4th, etc.) chances and he keeps failing you. You get your hopes up and he just crushes them with his deceitful behavior. My suggestion is to get the divorce and THEN let him prove himself to you, if he does you don't have to remarry, but my guess is he won't. He's in CYA mode and it is doubtful if you do stay with him that the kid thing won't return.

You also stated earlier you were afraid of being alone. It's pretty obvious just from what you have written and how you have written it, you won't have to worry about that. When the time comes for you to date you will have to be beating the suitors away with a stick. Stay strong and press on.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 3:46 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

"But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

posts: 638   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2016
id 8584593
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Lots of chances for this guy, eh? So, what about that dead eye gaze while you cried? Think you have a normal person there? What about his trying to hug you as if nothing had happened or his thinking you would still be in his nieces and nephews lives, as if nothing happened.

These are many standard deviations from normal behavior.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8584676
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 1:18 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Anniecakes good luck today with the move. Take care of yourself.

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8584792
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I hope all went well yesterday with your move! Take care of yourself.

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8585477
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 10:21 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Hope you're OK Anniecakes!!

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8586875
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 12:42 AM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

I’m okay, better. The stress of the move is mostly behind us. We have been communicating better and just sharing space without arguing for the last several days. I have my second counseling appointment tomorrow. I have been reading the information online from Dr. Huizenga which has really struck a chord with me. Very similar to the 180 but more specific and clearer to understand-also more ME focused and feels less manipulative. I’ve gotten back a lot of my control. For example, I’ve been going to bed early not concerned if he is in the living room, driveway, etc. communicating with HER. I just go to bed so I can read and have time for myself. I accept the fact that he is going to do what he is going to do regardless if I’m stalking him or not. I’m just more concerned with getting what I need. Don’t get me wrong, some days are more difficult than than others but overall I’m so much calmer. It is interesting to see how his energies have shifted towards me and wondering where I am, what I’m thinking, what I’m doing. I’m not letting that alter my focus. Whatever is in store for us involves a long road and a lot of work but reading about Dr..Huizenga’s theories and the different types of affairs has brought me some clarity and a true belief that this has very little, if nothing, to do with me. Once again, the same thing you have all been saying but with an explanation that makes it easier to grasp. He hasn’t seen her physically for weeks, that I know. He was even going to go back to our area (where SHE is and where we just moved from) on Friday to take care of a and pick up a few things from our storage unit. I had a photo shoot that he promised to help me with for a local magazine and then he was going to head that way. He was very helpful and husband like during the shoot

and then told me he didn’t feel like going and if it was okay with me, he was just going to stay back with me and the dogs and deal with the stuff back home next week. He could have stopped to see her. I wouldn’t have checked on him and he could have easily fit it in but he didn’t. Baby steps. Either way, I’m taking care of me and if he wants to fix this HE has to start the ball rolling. I can now, finally, see some of his internal struggle surfacing which is preferable to the glassy eyed affair fog crap that I was witnessing. Hope you are all well and hanging in there too.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8587172
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 1:42 AM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Your doing well. Keep it up. proud of you.

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8587187
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ForMe ( New Member #75200) posted at 5:00 AM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Good job on staying calm and collected Anniecakes. Its not easy to be in your position isolated from family and friends and alone. Please continue reaching out to your family and friends for support.

If I were you I would continue the D process while he is faffing back and fourth. He is having his cake and eating it too while you let him. You have already given him more chances than he deserves. You know you deserve better than that.

I guarantee the moment you serve him it will be a phenomenal wake up call. Then from that moment on he will smarten up and know what he's got to lose. If he chooses her you would have saved yourself some time.

I can tell you the moment I kicked my WH to the curb, separated and told his family and friends his demeanour changed immediately. From almost expecting me to believe his excuses to knowing how bad he truly screwed up his life.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8587246
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Glad the move went well Anniecakes. Letting go of his actions and the outcome and taking care of yourself first is a huge step no matter what path you end up on so good for you on that!

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8587382
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Hope you're ok Annie!

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8591006
Topic is Sleeping.
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