Zaksmummy posted 5/24/2020 04:48 AM

WH left for good after 7 attempts. He’s been gone a week . Has left me for AP he has known only 6 months. He says he doesn’t want to attempt R. He has left me with everything to deal with, large dog, distraught 12 year old DS and a half renovated house. I don’t think he’s going to try to come back again. I am struggling. I know it’s not fair for my DS to see me like this but I can’t seem to pull myself together. I am in full blown panic mode because I still love him. How could I after what he’s done. I just can’t seem to let him go. I thought we were happily married. I’m struggling to accept the situation and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/24/2020 07:29 AM

Infidelity of this magnitude is hard. It's unfair, and terrible pain.

In your situation, the WH has treated you horribly for many years.

We have a saying around here, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

It's time for you to believe what you see. This man is not a friend to you or your child. He is NOT safe person for you and he has been abusing you for a long time.

Abusive, dysfunctional relationships are often more difficult to break free from.

Please read this book- "Why Does He do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. The author works with physically abusive men, however the psychology behind that and what you are experiencing is the same-- especially for the victim. This book has helped countless people save themselves.

It is time for to save yourself and you do that minute by minute, then hour by hour, then half day by half day, etc.

You do that by reaching out for help here at SI.

You do that by learning about how your own thinking became distorted, and why it became distorted. And then retraining your thinking.

You do that by small actions every day.

Ichthus posted 5/24/2020 09:45 AM

OMG, go see a lawyer ASAP. Him leaving and abandoning you and his daughter will go very well for you if you go to court.

I am sorry this happened to you and the emotions youre going through must be terrible. He has shown you his true colors. That is no relationship.

If you can, get into therapy, find a support group somehow to help get you through this.

The1stWife posted 5/24/2020 12:00 PM

Why aren’t you more angry at what he did?

I can tell you on dday2 where I found out the affair had resumed and was active the prior 3-4 months I no longer cared what my H thought or did or said.

My anger finally reached a boiling point. While he had told me earlier that day he was D me, he then changed his mind yet again.

Long story short it was him who ended up blindsided in dday2 when I told him I had no choice but I was D him.

And that’s when he realized he completely underestimated me.

Your CH has been a piece of crap and pulled the same crap 7x. Then he doesn’t want the dog. Refuses to support you to get the partially renovated house repaired.

He’s not the love of your life anymore. He’s the jerk who cheated and ran off like the coward he is.

Please start protecting yourself by getting a lawyer and a good
Counselor to support you. Pronto!

Zaksmummy posted 5/24/2020 15:32 PM

I don’t know 1stwife. I’m just sad I guess. I want to be angry and I guess I am when I think of what he has done but most of the time I am sad because the man I love is no longer in my life. You go from what you think is a good marriage one day then it’s all gone. Ripped away, no contact after 18 years with someone. He left 7 times over this one affair not 7 affairs. Until recently I thought we were happy. I’m just struggling to accept that he’s not there for me any longer. And that is scary to me

Chrysalis123 posted 5/24/2020 16:34 PM

He left 7 times over this one affair

Until recently I thought we were happy.

I am wondering why you thought things were good when he had abandoned you and your children 7 times for this 6 month affair.

That's more than once a month. They say it takes 3-5years to recover from an affair. He has done NOTHING except abandon you over and over.

Have you heard of rug sweeping? Maybe that is what you are doing? This is so terrifying for you that the reality of his recent behavior is not real for you so you sweep it away and instead have a bad case of hopium.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. His behavior teaches me he will abandon you again and then blame you.

We teach people how to treat us. He thinks it is OK to abandon you 7 times in 6 months. Please teach him otherwise, not through words but through actions.