n1028 posted 3/16/2020 03:14 AM

Hello,
Almost 5 years ago today I posted on SI after finding out my ex bf had been living a double life and was cheating on me for the last year of our relationship. ( https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=557494&HL=47355 ) After 5 years, I can honestly say I’m still affected by his actions both positively and negatively.

A few days ago I came across a woman who had just recently found out her husband was cheating on her and so I directed her to this site since SI was my saving grace. At that point I decided to log in and reread my old posts and could hardly believe it’s been almost exactly 5 years since DDay. Weird! What an intense 5 years it’s been. I had just turned 25 when I had to deal with all this by myself. Even now at 30, I can still remember dday like it was yesterday and the roller coaster emotions that went with it.

This isn’t necessarily a happy or sad post, just an honest one that I hope I can come back to in another 5 years and look back on my life a bit. If you are bored during this quarantine maybe this post will help pass some of the time but just FYI I have no advice for “new beginnings “. I’m just here to write and document my experience:)

Shortly after my last post 5 years ago, I felt like I was going to die of grief. After going back and forth with my ex, I finally found strength to cut ties with him. I had just moved to a new city and knew no one. But after a few months of crying I managed to get out and live life again. Let’s be honest, I was horny AF and so I hooked up with a long time friend who lived a few hours away from me. Healthy or not, he was there to help distract me from the pain and also helped me regain my sexual confidence. We had been friends for over 10 years so hooking up with someone I had already hooked up with in Highschool felt easy and relieving. We kept things casual, took a few weekend trips, visited each others cities a few times a year and kept in constant contact. I was not ready for a relationship so this worked fine for us and honestly was a huge help for me in so many ways. Thank you, A. Sidenote- We (A and I) haven’t spoken in over a year now which is still hard for me since we were friends for 15 years. But I truly believe we were in each other’s lives for specific reasons and I choose to only remember the good times. I miss him a lot, but no hard feelings.

For a long time, I felt like I needed closure from my ex. I wanted a sincere apology so bad, one that acknowledged everything he did to me and how he shattered my young naive world. I felt like I truly needed this kind of closure to move on, along with an honest explanation as to why he did what he did to me. I waited so long for one. Over a year had gone by and it’s so true about time healing wounds. I was in a much better place and finally accepted we were no longer going to be together. I was dating (around) again, laughing, eating right, dancing on weekends, made great friends, etc. Occasionally I’d still get sad and even tear up over my ex but I was not in so much pain anymore. One day I’m sitting at the bar with my best friend and I get an email from my ex. I looked at my best friend and said “should I even open it?” We both said yea fuck it at the same time lol and we read it together. It was finally the apology that I had craved for for so long. After I finished reading it, my best friend asked “how do you feel?” I said honestly, I waited so long for this closure that I think I gave it to myself already a while ago. This email apology has no effect on me right now. We threw back our drinks and that was that. I never replied to that email. Ever. But I did keep it. It’s the only thing I’ve kept of him. Over the last 5 years I’ve re-read it a couple of times. Not really sure why, maybe just to look back and help me realize how far I’ve come. Or maybe to accept that he was a big part of my life and being that I don’t hold any grudges on him, it’s just a part of my life that I can accept happened to me. Or maybe just for a laugh.

During my grieving period, it was made aware to me exactly how much anxiety I actually had. Obviously being cheated on heightened my anxiety altogether. I had 2 anxiety attacks during that time. The stress of the betrayal also brought upon sleep paralysis which I never even knew existed. That was fun. The first time it happened to me I thought I was being abducted by 2 aliens. So thankful for that scary ass experience *eye roll*. The silver lining was that it helped me address underlying anxiety issues I had and really dig deep as to why I had anxiety. The soul searching helped and it’s been under control since then. As for the sleep paralysis, I rarely get it anymore and is way less intense when I do get it. I guess I should also mention that weed has helped a ton in preventing the sleep paralysis. The few nights I’ve gotten it were times I fell asleep on my back and didn’t smoke before bed. Not promoting getting high, just stating my truth.

The soul searching also helped bring to light my “daddy issues”. My dad left when I was a baby and while I was aware of the term daddy issues, I never really knew/felt like I had any. It wasn’t until after my breakup that I realized what it meant. After the roller coaster ride of emotions subsided, I was able to point out what hurt me the most from the cheating. Crazy enough, it wasn’t the actual feeling of betrayal. It was the intense feeling of sudden abandonment and the disappointment of someone not keeping their promises/ being flaky. To this day, I get the most upset/hurt by men who randomly and suddenly leave my life, or on a lesser scale, are late for a date or who don’t follow through with something they had planned with me. I like that I can now understand why I get so upset at these particular instances and can really help prevent them by making it clear to men that it bothers me. I don’t think I would have figured that out without being cheated on.

I know for a fact I’m so scared to get abandoned again. I’ve been good at trying hard to not keep my walls up and guard myself. But I’m not stupid and I know that’s exactly why I haven’t had a committed monogamous relationship since I was cheated on. Obviously I wasn’t ready to get into something serious that first year. And not the 2nd year either. I was dating, having sex, opening up, but I was never ready to commit. I had long term FWB relationships that ultimately helped me discover a lot about what I like and what I don’t like in men. I used a lot of those dates as practice on how to better communicate my feelings and just being social in general. I don’t regret any of the men I dated and slept with in the last 5 years. I can honestly say I’ve learned a lot about myself with each guy. FYI all those guys I dated were aware that I was not committing to them and I did not expect the same in return. We we always adults about it. I had G who was my regular lay for about a year after my breakup, A who I mentioned earlier for about 3-4 years (not including our HS and college hookups), and recently R who’s been around for a year and counting. I’ve dated more men than that obviously, but these 3 were/are the most consistent FWB these past 5 years. I didn’t commit to monogamous relationships with any of them, each for their own reason. But I can’t lie and say it has nothing to do with being cheated on 5 years ago. I do believe I’m ready for a committed monogamous relationship- I just haven’t found a man I’m interested in yet so until then it’s having amazing sex with a trusted friend(s). Interpret that however you’d like. I’m fine with it :)

So yea, I went blonde for a few years after the breakup lol. Moved to another city, changed careers, got a boob job, traveled a bit, made even more friends, tried (and loved) things very outside of societal norms. I still think about my ex from time to time but not in a painful way or with a grudge. I don’t even have him blocked on social media (though both our profiles are set to private so we can’t see anything) because I feel like that symbolizes holding on to a grudge or resentment. And I don’t really need those kind of vibes. If I saw him walking down the street, I’d probably say hi and politely ask how he’s doing. Not because I really care but because I just don’t actually fucking care lol if that makes sense. And then just smile and keep walking. Luckily he’s never contacted me much after that apology email- just once when hurricane irma hit Florida and we all had to evacuate. I only responded because I didn’t want it on my conscience that god forbid he died due to the hurricane and I was the bitch ex girlfriend who didn’t respond to his text. But that was the absolute last time we had any contact. It’s been a long 5 years, but fuckkkk it went by so fast. Too fast. Hopefully I can remember to come back to SI when I’m 35 and type up another update for myself. And hopefully it won’t be partially due to this damn cerveza quarantine.

sorryforeverythi posted 3/16/2020 13:51 PM

Thanks for sharing. I find hope in your words.

I like your tagline. It made me sad when I read it but I have been seeing it a lot randomly on the interwebs.

Okokok posted 3/17/2020 09:18 AM

I really appreciate you sharing all of this.

It's been 3.5 years since my Dday with exWW, and while I can remember that desire for some sort of sincere apology/closure, but I can honestly say that I don't want or need or care about that at all. My situation there is different; I'm coparenting with my ex and have to see here a lot. We do fine.

My newest situation feels much more like yours. My exGF has been very, very cruel to me, and blocked and ghosted me after 2.5 years after some mild confrontation/discussion from me about her boundaries and relationships with other men. See older posts about that -- I'll call it what it is, which is that she cheated on me on some level with two men, and slept with at least one of them, and had awful boundaries. Then, when I was distraught, treated me like *I* was to blame and/or being crazy or somehow bad. The blocking/ghosting in response to me has felt like a sledgehammer to the gut.

It hasn't been long for me in this situation, but I can feel myself moving through the healing process. Still, I'm finding myself wishing *I* could get that apology/closure email or something of the like. I know I'm not likely to get it, and if I do, it wouldn't matter anyway. Not sure why that desire is so prominent.