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Just checking in

Feelinglikethat posted 3/9/2020 10:25 AM

Im not exactly sure what I want to say, but I felt like I needed to check in.

Last night, my BS told me heís not sure he can do this anymore...meaning our marriage and our relationship. I know that opportunity for reconciliation is in his hands (I mean that he is the one who will allow it or not) I know I have so much work to do and I am thankful for all the time he has given me to work on myself and our marriage.

I have been working on my Ďwhysí. As a child, my emotions were not validated. Even laughing and enjoying ourselves at the dinner table led to us being punished, sent to my room, isolated for the rest of the day. think from this, I hold things in and dont face my emotions. I did listen to Brene Brown power of vulnerability and it has helped me to identify my Ďgremlinsí or shame moments. I think I was conflict avoidant, people pleaser, and sought validation based on what I saw as importance to others (Not surprising from a WS) I did a damn bad job of sitting in the seat of wrongness for the time period after dday.

I want to make plans for our anniversary and discuss things we could do for some Ďusí time but Im afraid he doesnít want that or he will say its too little too late.

I read on a post on here that until divorce papers are filed, we WS should keep trying to improve the marriage and prove each day through our actions that we WANT this and are willing to fight for it. I have learned that I need to be more proactive with showing my love. I am working on that.

I know it may be too little too late but I am not giving up without a fight. Someone here once told me to do each next step the best way you know how. This has become life saving for me. Keeping me out of a shame spirals and helping me to take each step being a better person. Im sure I will have downfalls and I have days where the weight of what Ive done is overwhelming. He tells me that there are many things I still need to do, but he wont tell me if there is anything specific. I ask him what can I do to show him love in a way that speaks best to him (we read five love languages). He told me he wont tell me how to love him, that love shouldnt be hard. Sometimes i feel like im shooting in the dark. But Ill keep shooting, I wont give up.

I am thankful for each new day for more chances to improve myself, show my husband the love he deserves and become a deserving wife.

RedeemedSinner posted 3/9/2020 12:17 PM

I can truly relate to this. I know itís excruciating for my BS and Iíve brought this upon myself and my family. Iíve been doing all I can to show love and empathy even when I want to not get out of bed some days, but I keep pushing hoping maybe just one more step. Maybe just one more day. Seems like we have one really great conversation and Iím hopeful. Then the next day she canít stand the sight of me. Iím trying to get stronger emotionally, cause I too have had issues with this. Everyday is excruciating and a battle. Hoping you better days and hang in there.

thatbpguy posted 3/9/2020 12:28 PM

Feelinglikethat, just keep doing what you're doing. There's heartache for sure, but the hope is that your H will be able to see your efforts and reconsider. Other BS's asked out of their marriages after months of work by their WS's, but later relented and stayed in the marriage. Be hopeful.

Zugzwang posted 3/9/2020 15:12 PM

I want to make plans for our anniversary and discuss things we could do for some Ďusí time but Im afraid he doesnít want that or he will say its too little too late.

overcome the fear based on what you want and just ask him

Feelinglikethat posted 3/17/2020 06:51 AM

Redeemedsinner, I totally understand that. It seems to go that way with my BS too. One day I feel like we are really progressing, but the next day itís completely different. Itís not easy, but itís my own fault. I try to find patience and empathy when its a bad time and I try to say thank you when its a good time.

Thanks for your response, thatbpguy. I am trying to keep going. I want to help him heal from the trauma I have caused.

Zug, youíre right, it is based on my own fear. It seems like every positive step I try to take is questioned with why do you care now? It is a fear of being met with more pain. How I wish I had a time machine...

Zugzwang posted 3/17/2020 09:09 AM

Try acknowledging that he is right, that you didn't care before. Sounds like all he wants is validation for his rights to feel that way. So, swallow your fear and pain (because at this point you are probably more remorseful and less regretful and pride isn't an issue) and be vulnerable. Tell him you will change and you do care now. Show him.

The thing with us is that we think we can pick up where we left off. We know who and what we were. We want to focus on fixing it right away if we want to keep our BS. The BS however, are still in shock and need us to clean out who we became. Not just focus on who we can become. You have to reconcile what happened.

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