Lifeitself, not on that day, no. The night before. On Tuesday night we had very intimate and loving sex, as we have been doing for 16 months now. Let me explain. After my EA was discovered, BH agreed to keep trying with me. And we put a real effort into fixing what was wrong in our relationship, including sex. And it has been incredible. However sometimes, my BH cannot "finish". This is not a problem solely caused by my A. He has had this happen from time to time since we first got together almost 12 years ago. I have no doubt that sometimes this is now caused by the trauma that I caused him but it was also something that happened before. I told him that night, as I always do, that whether or not sex ends in total completion is not important to me and never has been. Do I like sex? Sure. Of course. But I also love the kissing, the cuddling, the fondling, the foreplay. I don't care if his penis never works again, so long as we can still have intimacy...even just intimacy outside of the bedroom. I've reassured him of this every single time this has ever happened, before and after my affair. My response has never waivered. We went to bed that night and I sent him a message yesterday morning, as always, telling him that I love him. He replied that he loved me too. I asked if he was okay and he said he would be fine. I told him that I would be right here for him. He said he hoped so. I said that I'm going nowhere. He said until he can't perform anymore and I go looking for someone else to sleep with again. I reassured him again and he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. A bit later he sent me this "I want to point out something that is bothering me and that is the fact that you continue to tell me that you were not looking for sex. Its complete bullshit and you know it. If it was not sex you were looking for then you would not have discussed it right away on the first day. You need to stop trying to convince me that you didnt go into it with full intention of fucking him". From there I told him that is not why I went looking for anyone and he shut down. Eventually, he said he needs a break.
To explain our situation further, as mentioned above, he found out about my 2 month A on July 19th, 2018. I lied to cover my own ass right away and said it was just an EA. I felt horrible for the A, and for lying about it, but I was scared of losing him. When he found out and I saw that he did still care (something I questioned for years) it was like a hard slap across the face or an ice water bucket being dumped on my head. My H was here! He still loved me! And I was terrified to lose him, so I lied about it being physical. In the first few months, he talked about suicide a number of times. I was scared to death. I did everything I could to help him. And to me, that meant continuing to lie. If he was having a hard time just knowing that I talked to someone else, how would he survive knowing that it was also physical? I couldn't tell him and risk his suicide. Risk our young kids having no father. Risk his older son and his 3 grandchildren having no father or grandfather.
We moved along an awful lot for 13 months. He did a lot of healing. We grew so much closer. But the A was still brought up. He still questioned the truth as he said he just "knew". He mentioned a polygraph and would I pass one. I couldn't keep up the lying. I couldn't go to a test and know I'd fail it. So on August 29th, 2019, I told him that it was physical as well. I've told him the 100% truth of everything. Over the course of this 16 months, he's been told of every conversation that I can recall. He's been told of every time I saw the OM in person. He's been told of exactly how many times we were physical and what took place.
I did an awful lot of lying for a long time. But I am not lying about anything anymore. He wants me to admit that I went looking for sex, and I can't admit that. Cuz it isn't what happened. He says that if I just wanted to talk to someone, I'd have kept it to just talking. I was lonely. We had stopped talking for years. We co-existed in this house. We talked about the kids. We fought about everything and nothing. We had sex next to never. Maybe 12 times in the previous 2 years. Before this A stared with the OM, I reached out to 2 other people. I was in a very bad place in my head. I had had a health scare and I was turning 40. Our relationship was horrible; he'll tell you the same thing. I started to wonder if this was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life. And I thought about suicide. In doing that, it lead to dreams of things I could have changed in my life that would have led me to a totally different outcome. I wanted to set my life right before, or incase, I ended it. So I sent a message to an ex telling him how bad I felt for not giving him a fair chance many years ago; it went unanswered. And I sent a message to an old friend, who I met the same night I met my first husband, and told him that I should have picked him (he liked me too) and that the reasons why I didn't were stupid but I was young and dumb. I told him that had I picked him, my dad wouldn't have had his stroke on account of the bullshit my exhusband caused. And we ended up talking here and there for a few weeks. We talked a bit about my marriage problems and things him and his wife got past. He asked why if sex was lacking, did I not cheat. He said he didn't recommend it cuz he had cheated on his wife many times and it made their relationship so much harder. He got mad over me ignoring his messages one day when I was having a bad day and has stopped talking to me. No big loss.
And that leads us to the OM. I messaged him to correct something on his FB business ad. We chatted briefly. I said we'd talk again sometime. He asked if he'd ever talked drunk and flirted, cuz he can flirt when he drinks. Stupid me, instead of just saying no, I said "No, you have never, but I'm not sure I'd mind if you did". Which went to him asking if my BH and I were having problems, which led to us both revealing problems in our marriages. Which led to him saying that I didn't deserve that treatment and I was too nice and too kind and too pretty and blah blah blah. After being "beaten down" with unkind and sometimes cruel words from my BH, I ate that shit up. And I wanted more. I wanted him to keep telling me how beautiful I was. And I learned years ago, that if you want a man to keep saying nice things to you, then you have to give them what they want. And the fact that he kept saying that his wife wasn't giving him sex and "maybe we should help each other out", I figured that if I didn't go that route, I'd lose the nice comments. So I went against everything I have ever believed, and I cheated. Just before my 40th birthday. After having never cheated in my life; in 17 years of relationships.
My BH wants me to admit that I went looking for sex. He won't believe anything else. I won't lie again. I did not go looking for sex. I didn't go looking for an affair. I wish I had never made the stupid comment about flirting and just ended that conversation. I wouldn't be in this boat. But, I am. And I'll keep bailing water out of it before I sink. But I won't admit to going looking for sex when that is not what I did. Yes, I had sex. Yes, I had an affair. But I was craving the positive attention.
Sorry for the long post. Again, I have no one to talk to about it. Any words of advice or wisdom are valued and appreciated.