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Loving life...but need dating advice

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Ganondorf posted 10/15/2019 03:41 AM

This is just me:

He could be "playing games". I meant as long as I'm interested, I'd jump at every opportunity to learn more about the woman I'm interested in. I wouldn't personally become distant until I was getting ready to give up, and it would be a last resort to see how you react.

I'd only wean/end contact when I was fairly sure nothing would come of it.

Likewise if after 6 days I sent a text it would be because I'm pining for you a little. But why could be various reasons.

Maybe I felt like my needs werent being met, and I decided to see how you'd react. But, I couldn't stick to the game, and convinced myself maybe you're waiting for me and give in to my urge. However, if I'm doing this, it means I've already started to feel as though I should be moving on but at the same time am still sniffing some of that Hopium. Hoping something might change.

Maybe I've moved on but need an ego boost and know I'll find it from you. This is dangerous territory for you and me.

That's not to say you did anything "wrong". I might see it as such, butbthe reality is different people different needs. Simple.

Who knows how he feels the way he feels. It doesn't really matter though right? This relationship isn't making you feel good. You've explained some of your needs and he can't meet them. That's ok. Maybe someone else can.

I don't imagine you're being needy. I imagine most BSes on this site will relate. After going through limbo or the pick me dance, nobody wants to ever be in a position where they're fighting just to be noticed or acknowledged.

steadychevy posted 10/15/2019 06:46 AM

I can't answer your question, Hopeful. I haven't dated anyone except my WW in probably 45 years, maybe more. Dating advice is something I should be searching for and not providing.

I'm not yet D and won't even try dating until I am. That's my belief as a born again Christian. I think I'm going to be at a disadvantage, too. I have a flip phone. Swiping and texting are beyond my capabilities.

The purpose for my addition to your thread is to recommend a book called "Attached. The New Science Of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller. My IC recommended it to me. The book breaks people into three categories - secure, anxious and avoidant.

The first thing in the book is to determine your own attachment style. The book provides typical behaviours of the attachment styles and what to look for. I found it to be a very interesting and, hopefully, useful. Just a thought.

Hopeful Lady posted 10/16/2019 15:07 PM

Update
We had a long chat and weíre in agreement about how to move forward.

Likewise if after 6 days I sent a text it would be because I'm pining for you a little. But why could be various reasons.

Maybe I felt like my needs werent being met, and I decided to see how you'd react. But, I couldn't stick to the game, and convinced myself maybe you're waiting for me and give in to my urge. However, if I'm doing this, it means I've already started to feel as though I should be moving on but at the same time am still sniffing some of that Hopium. Hoping something might change

This is whatís happened. He also does not want to appear needy, so he was waiting for me to contact him.

This relationship isn't making you feel good. You've explained some of your needs and he can't meet them.

Partly true. this relationship makes me feel great, except when he doesnít answer a question. He never goes silent, even if he doesnít reply to a text heíll send another text, but it doesnít answer the question I asked. During the past few days if I had contacted him first Iím sure that he would respond.

When I hurt him before it was completely my fault, not a misunderstanding. I didnít date for many many years and have been learning the process again and I made a mistake. Even after that i knew he felt hurt but he never went silent. Seeing how my ex was the king of the punishing silent treatment, that would be a deal breaker for me.

I am very comfortable that he has the qualities that are important to me andIím not worried about his character or intentions. He also was not having his needs for met - he did tell me but I didnít deal with it as was focused on my own frustration with his texts.

Weíve been dating for several months and Iím going very slowly so Iíll see any problems before I get emotionally invested. Since we havenít been physical yet and arenít exclusive, we both know that weíre free to date others so my options (and his) remain open. I like that he respects my pace and my boundaries.

Thanks to everyone for the pointers. Itís been very helpful for me to hear your views.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 4:10 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Hopeful Lady posted 10/16/2019 15:22 PM

steadychevy, Thanks for the suggestion. When you are ready to date, youíll find the way forward. I wasnít married that long but I was out of the loop for a very long time so Iím also more in need of dating advice than I can provide. But Iíll share with you what my IC told me. He told me when I was ready and well prepared for dating. Some more time passed before I actually started dating. He also said Iíll figure some things out as I go along and thatís okay. It turns out he was right. IC was priceless.

Adding: In case itís helpful for you later, or for someone else who like me is just learning about dating all over, someone said earlier pay attention to his actions. Thatís so so important - actions matter more than words. This guy told me I can call him whenever I want. When I call he answers or calls me back very quickly, always.. This action makes me think he isnít in another relationship and he considers me one of his priorities. A different man I dated before told me donít call, always text then heíll call me if I want to talk. I later found out he was married. Fortunately I went slow from the start and he told me the truth before we got far, never got physical, so it ended without damage. Not feeling like I needed to be in a relationship and feeling no time pressure for finding one, for me has been incredibly good.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 6:38 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

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