SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You make a lot of excellent points, Ellie. My MO is to get to know people. It always was, for a long time, to engage them in conversation and learn about them. I love learning about people; what they are like, what they do, who they have around them, everything.

Her divorce was a number of years ago, I think something like four or five; I do my best to stay off the topic of exes.

I will definitely be careful. I've been putting a lot of thought towards this today, but at this point, I'm going to let it simmer and just go out for an enjoyable dinner. The ex won't be home until later this afternoon anyways, so I have some work to do around the house after I pick up the kids.

On a side note, idk why I'm bothering to let her come home to a tidy house... She never did for me. I guess it's for the kids. THEY deserve a clean home.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 3:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Welp.

I was about 15 minutes out from heading to meet the lady for dinner, and I got a message.

"Hey Incarnate, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel tonight. I have some pretty severe back pain right now, and I don't want to sit there in pain all night."

I totally understand. I wouldn't want to sit there in pain either. I was disappointed, because I was looking forward to it, but I wouldn't want her to suffer. We chatted for a little bit before she took a hot shower and some sleeping pills to sleep off the pain before going to the chiropractor this morning.

I spent the night watching The Dark Crystal series with my girls and eating WAY more junk food than I should have.

There's a lot of talk about me developing feelings for her. I think of "developing feelings" as having a crush. I recognize that sort of thing when I see it; I've had crushes before, hell, I've had one or two while married that I pushed away because I saw what they were.

I... don't feel that for this lady. I enjoy her company and it's strange to look at it from a perspective -other- than as a married man, but I don't feel crush-y towards her.

I was disappointed that i couldn't go to dinner and get out of the house and that my ex subsequently saw "ooh, free time slot, I'm out again, oh, and I'm booking Friday too", and I missed out on some pleasant company that had to stay home because she was in pain. Yes, the thought crossed my mind that it could have been a way of blowing me off, but it didn't feel that way to me.

I do appreciate all of you following along and offering insight, feedback, and opinions. I'll do my best not to put your 2x4s though the bandsaw, but if I do, I'll try to make something pretty with them.

Incarnate, do you think of yourself as an empath?

They usually created out child abuse. We (I am one) wear our hearts on our sleeves and usually fall prey to narc abuse, because we never healed from the initial injuries. Sadly, most never heal from childhood trauma, why I will stay clear of relationships.

My marriage mirrors yours, in a lot of ways. I, too, have only been with my husband. My "handle" is out of sarcasm. Yes, I am a witty asshole, that laughs at my own jokes. LOL! My husband has a madonna-whore complex, literally. He uses "sex as a weapon". My son is De Jesus, the marriage was that sexless. I am creating a shrine shrouded in rosary beads, in my son's honor...kidding.

My husband refused sex and used it as a way to manipulate and control me, right from the beginning. He chose prostitutes more than half my age and of other ethnicities. He literally rejected me and prefers them.

The first year of DD, I did think about sleeping with someone else...not as a means for revenge, but to boost my self esteem...to be honest, no one is worthy and I don't find value in randoms. That's the fucked up thing, about it. I have turned down all types of men, while married...knowing other men find me attractive, even hitting on me, while he is next to me, but he doesnt see the same thing. Knowing I could and can have all types of men, while my husband thinks I'm disgusting and prefers to piss away money it....it fucks with your head like no other.

Aside from my morals, I just dont find anyone attractive. There is always a some personality flaw that will easily turn me off. I dont need an emotional connection (I believe this is one of the worst myths to dismiss and control women) to have sex, I am just not interested in the social nuances, even of the most mechanical. I never put sex on some pedestal and it makes what he does that much more personal. He deflected the burden of his own insecurities, as means to manipulate and control me. I am so damaged, that I could never be secure enough to expose my body to anyone. He robbed me of my dignity with his sexual abuse.

One night, I went to a club and kissed some young fireman, because he asked if he could on some bet, by his buddies. I can honestly say it was like kissing my arm. I really dont seek validation through youth culture. He was a cute "kid"... my son is 24....its just inappropriate. It's honestly triggering because my husband put his vanity above his family. My husband needs validation from abused little girls.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 1:15 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

I don't generally use the term empath very much... the ex claims she is a hyper sensitive empath and my negative presence was like a stressful storm cloud that was abusive just by being present.

She also claimed that she was vestigially psychic and knew what was going to happen and what people would do before they did it, but when I told her that she was consistently wrong with me, she either said I was lying and WAS going to do those things and she stopped me, or that she was too close to me to see it properly, like holding a book up against your nose and trying to read it.

So, I think I'm very empathetic, despite my ex's assertion otherwise, but I wouldn't call myself an empath.