Jorge123 posted 8/30/2019 10:29 AM

Wanted to give an update on where I am today.

So I haven't looked for any kind of relationship. But a few days ago I changed my profile picture on facebook from a friend's birthday party. A woman I haven't talked to since getting married sent me a message. I used to talk to her just about every night but we never actually dated, just ALOT of flirting both ways. Not sure why I never asked her out. I always liked her back then. And to be honest, when I thought I was headed for divorce I thought of her and wondered what she was up to. I had her unfollowed on facebook so I wouldn't be tempted while I was married. (hope that's not wierd). So when she messaged me on facebook it was nice. Turns out she lives 5 hours away. She said we should meet up whenever she's in town and catch up. I was good leaving it there. But a few hours later she messages me again and reminded me that we talked back when I started dating my now ex wife, that if it didn't work out then maybe we could see where it went. I sent her back a message saying that it would be awhile before I was ready for something like that. She said she understood and we continued chatting and I gave her my number, which she already had from way back when (strange). I told her to call me sometime when she was bored and later that night she did. It was like old times almost like it wasn't the first time I've talked to her in 14 years!! It made me feel good for the first time in a long time. But it's weird to me that all of the sudden someone stepped back into my life and I can't get her off my mind. Like I absolutely look forward to talking or texting with her.

Is what I'm going through normal? Am I crazy?

Incarnate posted 8/30/2019 10:50 AM

This sounds like it might be similar to what i am going through right now. I'm very, very fresh to the idea of being single (16 days as of 8:00 tonight), but the desire to have a pleasant, not aggressive, non-painful conversation with someone, to be able to flirt and enjoy their company, etc sounds very, very appealing.

The advice that I have consistently gotten is to be very, very careful for a few reasons.

First, I've been warned that i will have a tendency to jump in headfirst. I can totally see that happening, and that is not terribly healthy.

Second, you (and I) need time to figure out who we are again outside of our marriages/relationships. I don't know how long you've been separated, but for me, it's super fresh after 17 years of marriage. If you go into a relationship right now, you won't be bringing your A-game, you'll be bringing a partial game, a partial person to the mix.

third, considering those first two points, you need to be careful for her sake. If she is a nice person, which I am assuming she is, then you don't want to drop a truckload of baggage onto her doorstep. That could have multiple consequences, such as chasing her away when a bit of time could have made for a much better outcome, changing your codependency from your ex to her (most men (and many women) are very codependent in relationships due to multiple factors) without dealing with it first, and on and on and on.

I'm not saying to cut off contact, but make sure you recognize whether or not you're barreling into her with the desperation of someone who has been deeply, deeply hurt.

At this point, for myself, the ONLY thing I am open to is NSA dates, casual dating, and maybe a careful fling here or there. Nothing serious, nothing long term, just two people enjoying each other for who they are in the moment. Total honesty about the situation and where you are in it. If some chemistry works, great. If not, no hard feelings, no strings.

I wish you luck and healing.

Jorge123 posted 8/30/2019 10:56 AM

Married for 13 years, together the final time, 14 years. Separated 10 months, divorced 3 months.

The only thing that was mentioned about the ex wife was what I said in the initial post. She hasn't mentioned her again and neither have I. I don't really want to talk about things that personal until at least after we've met again in person, which may be a long time from now.

[This message edited by Jorge123 at 10:58 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Incarnate posted 8/30/2019 11:10 AM

That is absolutely fair, and honestly, you know yourself a lot better than i know you. 10 months is a good long while to be separated, so hopefully you've had the time to go though your IC and really rediscover who you are again.

I wish you luck and happiness.