SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder

By Dennis Ortman PhD

Journal of Psychosocial Nursing Vol 43, NO. 10 October 2005

http://www.jpnonline.com/keypoints/kp0510_ortman.asp

http://www.jpnonline.com/keypoints/kp0510_ortman.asp

Vignette:

After Donna discovered her husband’s affair with her best friend, she threw Jim out of the house and filed for divorce. She thought such decisive action would put closure to her painful experience and end the nightmare. She was wrong. She became obsessed with the betrayal and filled with rage. Nights were the worst time for her. She had frequent nightmares of her husband and lover in bed together. She was so tense and depressed she could not function at work. Crying spells often over took her. Everything reminded her of what Jim had done to her and the children, and she relived the horror of discovering the affair. She admitted she was traumatized and told a friend, “Something inside me died, and I can’t bring it back to life.”

In my 28 years of counseling experience, 14 as a priest and 14 as a psychologist in private practice, I have observed that many individuals, like Donna in the vignette on the opposite page, have been traumatized by the infidelity of their partners. At any given time, approximately 20% of my adult caseload are victims of infidelity, and half of those exhibit intense and prolonged stress reactions. Certainly, discovering a partner’s adultery causes enormous stress for any individual. However, some are traumatized, feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, often for years. Their reaction is similar to those who have had life-threatening experiences, such as war, natural disasters, violent crimes, physical and sexual abuse, and automobile accidents. These individuals manifest a predictable pattern of symptoms marked by alternating periods of emotional numbing and reliving the horror of the horror of the trauma (van der Kolk, McFarlane, & Weisaeth, 1996). Many victims of infidelity experience their psychic life threatened, and become preoccupied with the betrayal and filled with rage. I call their reaction “post-infidelity stress disorder,” with the acronym PISD, which expresses the rage that is a primary symptom of the disorder.

Some clients in my practice, who are victims of adultery, ask me, “why can’t I just get over the affair and move on with my life?” In my experience, it is helpful to explain the nature of the trauma they experienced and how their reaction is a predictable response to an extraordinary event. These clients often breathe a sigh of relief and tell me, “I thought I was going crazy.” In understanding their painful experience and reactions in the broader context of a traumatic response, they become more patient with themselves and the recovery process. They feel more confident they will survive the journey on the road to recovery traversed by many others who have experienced life-threatening events.

Sadly, the reality of marriage and committed relationships today is that mutual love, promised to last forever, often ends prematurely. It is common knowledge that half of marriages in the United States end in divorce, causing untold pain and turmoil for the couple and their families. In addition, a significant number of separations are precipitated by an infidelity on the part of one or both of the partners. Researchers have estimated that 37% of men and 20% of women have had sexual affairs sometimes during their marriages.(Spring, 1996).

In this article, I will discuss the trauma and recovery process from the perspective of Donna, the victim from the vignette, realizing that only half of the story is being told. Men have similar traumatic response to discovered infidelity but divorce their unfaithful spouses more frequently than women.

Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder

How do partners react to the discovery of infidelity? The short answer is by becoming enraged and traumatized. For many years, clinicians have observed fairly predictable reactions to life-threatening events-normal responses to abnormal occurrences-and recognized a syndrome called posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to the Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision, criteria for this disorder include:

• Exposure to a life-threatening event

• Experience of intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

• Re experiencing of the event.

• Avoidance of reminders of the event.

• Emotional numbing.

• Heightened anxiety.

• Irritability and rage.

Many individuals whose partners have been unfaithful exhibit these symptoms, which led me to coin the term post-infidelity stress disorder.

Exposure to a Life-Threatening Event

Clearly, individuals involved in combat, automobile accidents, or natural disasters, or who experienced armed robbery have faced life-threatening situations. They may witness the horror of a death or serious physical injury and believe their own lives are in jeopardy. Victims of rape, child abuse and spousal battering experience similar circumstances. In fact, according to Shengold (1989), individuals who have been sexually molested react as if their souls were murdered. However, it may not be as clear how the discovery of an affair could be as life threatening and traumatic as the events listed.

What makes the discovery of an affair so traumatic? It is experienced as a betrayal of trust. Erikson (1959) wrote extensively about human growth and contended that individuals progress through eight identifiable stages. In each stage, individuals are presented with an age-appropriate challenge that must be successfully completed before moving on to the next stage of growth. Each challenge requires a psychic risk, which leads to a new perspective on life and a new challenge. Failure to negotiate the challenge leads to maladjustment and stagnation.

Erikson (1950) identified the first stage of human growth as the choice between trust and mistrust, and claimed that developing a sense of trust is “the cornerstone of a vital personality”. Recognizing the trustworthiness of oneself and others opens individuals to relationships, love and growth, whereas mistrust leads to estrangement and withdrawal from others into oneself. It also destroys the possibility of engaging in any life-giving relationship with others. In this way, an affair is often experienced as a fatal psychic wound and death blow to the relationship.

There are many ways to be unfaithful in a committed relationship and betray the fundamental trust of one’s partner. When discussing infidelity, many people immediately think of sexual affairs in with a partner has sexual intercourse with an individual other than the spouse. However, “affairs of the heart,” in which a partner becomes emotionally involved with another individual, are also betrayals of trust that undermine committed relationships. Sexual and emotional infidelities exist along a continuum of seriousness, which may eventually result in the rupture of the relationship. For example, partners may be unfaithful by seeking the company of others they find attractive; flirting, kissing, or intimately touching individuals other than their spouses: spending hours on the Internet “chatting” with other women or men; revealing intimate secrets of their marriage to others, or making someone other than their partners their best friends and confidants.

Donna and Jim were high school sweethearts. They both belonged to the same peer group in school and were instantly attracted to each other. Neither had seriously dated anyone else before they met. After they discovered each other, they were inseparable. In their high school yearbook, they were dubbed “the perfect couple” and “most likely to marry.” Two years after graduation, the prediction was fulfilled, and they married. Their lives unfolded like a storybook romance. Two children were born, and Jim became a successful attorney. They built a large house near the center of town.

It was a devastating blow for Donna to discover the weekend tryst between Jim and her best friend. She thought she and Jim had the perfect marriage. She was living her dream of raising a family with the only man she had ever loved. Now, it seemed the dream, and her life, were over.

Experience of Intense Fear, Helplessness, or Horror

Traumatized individuals become fixated on the horror of what they experienced. They live in fear that the dreaded catastrophe will happen again and feel helpless to prevent it. For example, those who have been involved in automobile accidents may experience intense fear when they are in a car and imagine another crash occurring at any moment. Driving becomes a dangerous activity for them, and they feel out of control behind the wheel of a car. Victims of infidelity also live in fear of another infidelity; they need constant reassurance and feel helpless to prevent it.

After discovering the affair, Donna initially felt she had gained some control over her life by demanding that Jim leave their home immediately. However, she became frightened because she had never lived alone before. Every night noise or creaking sound startled her. She also thought of herself as a violated person, “damaged goods,” that on one would ever love again. She believed she was condemned to live the rest of her life alone because she could never trust another man again. Donna felt helpless in confronting her fears and could not stop crying. In addition, this betrayal was a double loss for Donna – of her husband and her best friend, the people she trusted most.

When Jim begged to return home, Donna reluctantly acquiesced because of her intense fear. She insisted they sleep in separate bedrooms until she sorted out her feelings and made some decisions for herself. But her uneasiness never disappeared. She dreaded being victimized again by her husband, although she was not sure she wanted to remain married to him.

Reexperiencing the Event

Those who have been traumatized relive the horror of the event and all of the overwhelming feelings, sometimes years later. A World War II veteran once reported to me that he shuddered and ducked for cover whenever he heard an airplane flying overhead. He said he relived the terror of the numerous bombings he had experienced in combat. He also refused to see movies about WWII because their depictions of war caused him to have flashbacks of battle and of friends dying. In a similar manner, victims of adultery relive the painful discovery of infidelity.

Donna became preoccupied with her husband’s affair and obsessed about how he could have done that to her and their children. For months, she woke up in the middle of the night, having had nightmares of her husband in the embrace of her best friend. She also dreamt of encountering her best friend on the street and being violent toward her. Whenever she saw a woman with black hair, she was reminded of her former friend and experienced flashbacks of the betrayal.

Donna was filled with indignation and rage, just as she had been on the day she discovered the affair. Whenever she saw a couple holding hands, she imagined her husband with her friend and burst into tears. She became panicked and could not breathe. Hearing favorite songs from when she and her husband were dating caused her great sadness and despair about lost love. Donna did not seem able to escape reminders of the betrayal and her loneliness.

Avoidance of Reminders of the Event

Traumatized individuals cope by trying to forget the terrible things that have happened to them by avoiding thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma. Many of my clients have expressed the belief that their pain will go away if they do not think about it. Trauma victims constantly run away from anything that triggers memories of their experience. For example, many Vietnam War veterans refuse to talk about their experiences overseas or even listen to the protest music of the 1960s. A wife who had been abused by her husband told me she will never cook pasta again because her husband broke a bowl over her head while in a rage. Victims of infidelity exhibit the same sensitivity to triggers that remind them of their partners’ affairs, and often restrict their lifestyles to protect themselves.

Donna had always been an outgoing person who enjoyed socializing with friends and attending the theater and sporting events. Donna’s friends noted how she seemed to “disappear” after her husband’s affair. She became more withdrawn and did not frequent her usual places. Donna admitted she avoided restaurants, theaters, and the football stadium because she and her husband had gone to those places with their best friends. She said, “Going there is too painful now, and I become so angry I can’t see straight. Those places won’t let me forget what happened.” Donna felt more lost as she withdrew into herself.

Emotional Numbing

Trauma victims become so overwhelmed b their feeling of anxiety, rage, and helplessness that they attempt to cope by withdrawing into an emotional “cocoon.” They detach from life and from themselves to survive the emotional storm. The problem with such a strategy is that individuals who suppress their uncomfortable feelings also cut themselves off from pleasant emotions that make life meaningful. For example, concentration camp survivors are known for having become like the living dead during and after their imprisonment. They coped through resignation and passivity because they learned that fighting back leads to death. Similarly, many combat veterans use alcohol and drugs to forget and numb their feelings. Survivors of infidelity cope by shutting down their feelings and often drink alcohol or self-medicate.

After discovering her husband’s affair, Donna became a different person. She had always been vibrant and full of life, with a wide circle of friends with whom she was frequently in contact. She was admired for her generosity, energy, and optimism. Now, she reported feeling dead inside and lacking energy or interest in going out. She sat in her backyard and daydreamed for hours to avoid painful thoughts of Jim’s adultery. She knew the children were being neglected and felt guilty about it, but had only enough energy to take care of their physical needs.

In addition, Donna began to have trouble at her part-time sales job in a clothing store. She had always had a flair for her work and been the top salesperson, but had become so distracted she could hardly concentrate on her job and uncharacteristically missed work. She had never been a drinker, but now found herself looking forward to a cocktail hour each afternoon. Donna felt too ashamed to talk wither friends about what had happened and began to isolate herself more. She described losing all hope for the future and could not imagine herself ever being emotionally involved with a man again.

Heightened Anxiety

Trauma victims live on high alert for recurrence of the trauma. They become restless and distracted; it is as if their “motors are always running” because they need to be ready for a quick escape. Nights can be particularly stressful. Worry and preoccupation with the trauma keep them awake, and when they do sleep, nightmares disturb their rest. During the day, these individuals are tense and hypervigilant. For example, individuals who have been involved in serious automobile accidents report that driving becomes a tense, anxiety-arousing experience; they are unable to relax because they are preoccupied with avoiding another accident. Victims of infidelity also describe their tranquil lives being lost.

Donna indicated she had not had a restful night sleep since discovering Jim’s affair. At times during the day, she suddenly experienced anxiety attacks, and she could relate the feelings to her preoccupation about her uncertain future. After she allowed Jim to move back home while she was deciding about her future, she felt compelled to monitor his activities, telephone calls, and e-mails, then loathed herself for being so concerned about his activities. She was baffled by her behavior because she was not even sure she wanted to stay married to him.

Irritability and Rage

Individuals who have been traumatized become preoccupied with how they have been victimized, which causes them to become angry with the perpetrator, with life, and with themselves. At some level, they blame themselves for allowing the trauma to occur. Consequently, they are often irritable an experience temper outbursts. For example, rape victims frequently entertain revenge fantasies, and children who have been physically abused grow up with a huge reservoir of anger, become excessively sensitive to being pushed around, and frequently become abusive parents. Smoldering rage is characteristic of adultery victims; thus, PISD is an appropriate acronym for this disorder.

Donna had always thought of herself as calm and even tempered, and was surprised that she became an angry person after the affair. At times, she experienced crying spells, but at other times, her anger erupted. She was irritable and particularly impatient with their children. She experienced remorse after her outbursts, but felt helpless to control them. Donna also had disturbing fantasies of becoming violent toward her husband and best friend. She began to hate the person she was becoming.

The reactions of Donna and other trauma victims may seem contradictory, but make sense when viewed as methods of self-protection. Animals fight, freeze, or flee when threatened; humans react similarly. When a threat is overwhelming, individuals tend to become paralyzed and withdraw within themselves, even to the point of separating themselves from the painful memory of the traumatic event and putting into a “mental box.” The box contains all of the memories and feelings associated with the trauma, and individuals store the box away from their everyday lives and thoughts. They work hard to keep the box hidden and secure, because if the box were opened, they would relive the terror of the memories enclosed. They develop strategies to avoid the contents of the box, and even alter their daily activities to avoid reminders of its contents. However, despite these efforts, things happen that knock the lid off the box, and the horror of its contents again overwhelm them. Eventually, they are able to replace the lid on the box and continue their everyday lives, but they live in dread of the next unpredictable opening.

Selective Vulnerability to PISD

While all individuals who experience a partner’s infidelity experience significant distress, not all are equally traumatized. In my experience, individuals of a particular personality type tend to exhibit symptoms of PISD to a greater degree.

Millon (1996), a noted American psychologist who studied personality functioning and disorders for decades, speculated that individuals develop different personality styles to adapt to the demands of their environments, to survive, and to thrive. Healthy people are able to be resourceful and flexible in adapting and meeting their needs, whereas unhealthy people are rigid and inflexible. Individuals with personality disorders exhibit deficiencies, imbalances, or conflicts in their capacity to relate to their environments and meet their needs.

In my clinical experience, individuals who have dependent personalities and find their identities in love are the most vulnerable to PISD. These individuals display excessive passivity, failing to give direction to their own lives. They turn to others, rather than themselves, as the source of their nurturance and security. Our society promotes a romantic view of love in which all fulfillment can be found in a loving relationship, and individuals are taught that their value as human beings resides in the love and acceptance of their significant others. Women are especially susceptible to this illusion, which invites a self-sacrificing and dependent attitude in relationships. Individuals with dependent personalities are lost when their relationships break. They lose their identity when the attention, approval, and love of their significant other disappear. They experience the betrayal as a psychic death; when the relationship dies, they are dead.

A second, and sometimes overlapping, group is also particularly vulnerable to PISD – those who experienced physical or sexual abuse as children. While their personalities were still forming, they were betrayed by those they trusted to nurture and protect them. They experience what Shengold (1989) called “soul murder” and never achieve a secure sense of who they are. They grow up insecure and constantly threatened by others who are viewed as powerful. These individuals long for a nurturing relationship but fear the vulnerability inherent in intimacy. The boundaries in their relationships are often unclear. They may cling to others, expecting them to be the source of their happiness, or they may avoid emotional involvement because of a profound mistrust of others. When they allow themselves to trust and then are betrayed by an infidelity, they relive the accumulated trauma of their abuse as children. They become overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness and rage. Ironically, because their familiar way of connections with others is by being a victim, they tend to attach themselves to people who abuse them and violate their trust.

A third vulnerable group consists of those who have long-established patterns of abusive relationships with significant people in their lives. They appear to be addicted to victimization in their relationships. Having been exploited by loved ones who ignore their needs and having tolerated the abuse, they develop low self-esteem. They come to see themselves as worthless, not deserving of someone to care for them. They also come to devalue their own needs and treat themselves as others have treated them. This pattern of self-defeating ways of relating to others becomes normal; these individuals cannot imagine another way of relating to others. In their minds, their only alternatives are to either sacrifice themselves for another or be condemned to a life of loneliness. These individuals are ripe to be exploited by unfaithful partners, as their fragile self-esteem makes them especially vulnerable to PISD.

Process of Recovery

Recovery from the trauma of infidelity can be a long process of discovering oneself and rebuilding a life. From my clinical experience, it involves three steps:

• Establishing a sense of safety.

• Making a decision about the relationship.

• Healing through forgiveness.

Meeting with an experienced therapist or trusted spiritual guide can facilitate the healing process by providing a safe environment to explore feelings.

Establishing a Sense of Safety

The first step toward recovery is establishing a sense of safety and security. Trauma victims feel threatened from two directions. From the inside, they are flooded by emotions that threaten to overwhelm them. They feel intense fear, anger, depression and helplessness. Because the security and predictability of their world has been shattered, many victims of infidelity think they will go crazy with the overwhelming feelings and fall apart. From the outside, their social world is irrevocably turned upside down. The trust they had in their spouse or partner has been broken; their main support and confidant in life has proven unreliable. Many victims of adultery lose hope in the future and do not believe they will ever trust anyone again. The sense of loneliness and isolation can be devastating.

Victims of relational trauma experience a period of profound grief over the loss of their relationship and familiar life that can be measured in months, or sometimes years. It is grief akin to that described by Kubler-Ross (1969) as accompanying death and dying, unfolding in overlapping stages of denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and finally, acceptance. The initial shock and emotional upheaval need to be calmed by courageously facing the pain and reflecting with the support of loved ones.

In this first stage of recovery, I advise my clients to refrain from making any major life decisions until they have achieved some emotional stability. The tendency is to make hasty decision either to welcome back the unfaithful partner due to a sense of panic, or to seek divorce in anger. The initial stages of the grief process radically disorient individuals, tossing them on a sea of stormy emotions or numbing them with frozen feelings. As individuals adjust to the loss of the relationship as they had known it, they live with a sense of unreality. Their emotional instability interferes with their ability to make clear, rational decisions for their future.

Donna’s first reaction after discovering Jim’s affair was to throw her husband out of the house and file for divorce. She wanted to put a quick end to the pain. However, as weeks passed, she felt intense loneliness and fear of being on her own. When Jim begged to come home, she relented for the sake of the children. She kept her distance, allowing herself room to sort out her feelings, by insisting Jim stay in the guest room. When her crying spells, anger, depression, and emotional confusion continued, Donna sought help from a therapist. Her recovery began when she decided to take an honest look at herself.

Making a Decision About the Relationship.

Only after individuals have achieved a degree of emotional calmness are they in a position to enter the second stage of recovery: making a decision about the relationship.

It may be surprising to learn that a majority of victims of infidelity choose to maintain the marriage or relationship. Some individuals cling to the relationship out of fear. They worry about how they will live without their partner or be able to take care of themselves. Women may feel especially vulnerable if they are economically dependent on their husbands. Other victims may be so filled with rage that they impulsively end with relationship without considering the consequences to themselves or their families. Without carefully examining their deepest desires and feelings, they risk repeating the same mistake in their future relationships.

The decision to end or rebuild the relationship is a difficult one that requires time and close reflection. The primary questions are, “What do I really want?” and “What is in my best interests?” Answering these questions is difficult, even under the most favorable circumstances. With variable emotions and so much at stake in the decision, great care is needed to avoid a rush to judgment. Some people have never learned to listen to themselves or take their own desires seriously. It is a struggle to know themselves, and they are terrified of making a mistake. Those individuals most vulnerable to PISD fall into this category. In making this decision, individuals first need to look at themselves and ask, “Can I ever feel secure with this person again?” “What do I need to change in myself to make this relationship work?”, and “Am I willing to work at making the changes?”

Many of my clients were shocked to discover their partner’s adultery and ha not believed the person capable of such betrayal. In light of this traumatic discovery, victims need to carefully assess their partner’s character and ask, “Is my partner a trustworthy person?” and “Can I be assured this betrayal will never happen again?” In making this assessment, among other considerations, it is important to determine whether the infidelity was an isolated incident or a well-established behavior pattern, and whether the unfaithful partner is willing to seek help and change. Obviously, such a decision takes time and patience. It also requires courage because there is no way to predict the outcome of the decision.

After Jim moved back home, he and Donna began talking seriously about their relationship, as they had done when they were courting. Both of them admitted the romance and passion had gone, and both were committed to finding out what went wrong. Jim attempted, on many occasions, to make a heartfelt apology and insisted he wanted to repair their marriage. He agreed to go to counseling for himself to understand what led him to the affair.

For her part, Donna was not sure she could ever trust Jim again. She became obsessed with his sexual encounters and grilled him for details. The only promise she could make to him was that she would look closely at the marriage and herself in her therapy, and then make a decision about her future.

Healing Through Forgiveness

The third and lengthiest phase of recovery from infidelity involves healing the painful memories of the trauma, whether or not the victim decides to continue the marriage. This healing can only be accomplished through forgiveness. Some individuals object that adultery is an unforgivable sin, and to forgive such a betrayal is to condone it. In addition, they believe the determination no to forget the past wrong is the only way to protect oneself from future abuse. Some victims of infidelity want to remember their traumas because the remembrance of their pain and anger can serve as a shield against future harm, a defiant protest against ever being betrayed again. They believe their strength comes from their rage.

However, there is a power in forgiveness that is often unrecognized. Religious traditions throughout the world have acknowledged its healing power and the demonic effect of anger, and modern psychology is coming to the same conclusion. Refusing to forgive imprisons individuals in anger, resentment, and rage. Anger dispels positive feelings and consumes the mind with thoughts of vengeance. Tranquility is lost, and hope for the future is clouded. While clinging to anger is protective, it creates a wall that prevents future emotional involvement with others. Victims think they can never trust anyone again and begin to isolate themselves; the result is a lonely, bitter life.

However, through forgiveness, the power of love is released in the individuals’ lives. Obsessions with vengeance and violence are replaced with thoughts of peace and joy. Instead of being preoccupied with past wrongs, individuals are inspired to pursue different life-giving paths. Forgiveness allows individuals to live in the present and plan for the future, rather than being imprisoned in the past. Forgiveness is not easy and may take a lifetime to achieve. The old adage, “forgive and forget,” makes the struggle toward forgiveness appear too simple and effortless. The healing of memories through forgiveness requires much hard work and courageous honesty in facing oneself and one’s painful feelings.

The first step is for victims of infidelity to forgive themselves. This step may seem surprising; however, in my experience, many partners who have been betrayed blame themselves. They think of themselves as fools who allowed themselves to be victimized, and blame themselves for not recognizing the signs of infidelity. They may even make themselves responsible for their partner’s adultery and criticize themselves for not being a good enough spouse. Such self-blame needs to be given up before the victims can concentrate on addressing the personality deficits that led to their victim role. The main work of recovery begins when the victims look honestly at themselves to understand their vulnerability to an unhealthy relationship. For example, individuals may confront their illusions about romantic love, excessive dependence on others, or fear of asserting themselves. In my experience, many individuals become obsessed with the details of the infidelity as a way of avoiding the painful focus on themselves and their insecurities.

The second, co-occurring step is for victims to forgive their unfaithful partners. While self-righteous anger may be immediately satisfying, it inhibits future happiness and growth, and vengeance against the unfaithful partner can boomerang to create guilt and distress in victims. Forgiveness involves victims’ seeing and accepting their partners as they really are, with all of their strengths and weaknesses.

Experiencing the trauma of infidelity can be a wake-up call that something was seriously lacking in the relationship and the partners. What was lacking needs to be explored honestly, whether or not the couple decides to stay together. If victims of adultery are preoccupied with blaming their partners, they will not allow themselves to be fully engaged in the self-exploratory process necessary for recovery. Honestly facing reality – of what the affair means to the victim and to the relationship-is required. For example, Lusterman (1998) distinguished various types of affairs with different meanings, including one-night stands, long-standing emotional affairs, affairs arising from sexual addictions, retaliatory affairs, sexual-identity affairs, mid-life crisis affairs, exploratory affairs, and exit affairs. I tell my clients that unless they understand what caused their relationship to fail, they will repeat the same problems with a different partner or continue to have the same problems with their current partner.

Tools to Facilitate Recovery

Many tools can facilitate the recovery process. Because some people are so overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, grief, they may need an antidepressant medication to stabilize their moods. The emotional storm must be calmed to a degree to enable self-exploration. I advise my patients that medication is not a magic pill that solves problems, but that it can allow them to think clearly enough to work through their problems. Another tool is meditation, which can facilitate a relaxation response. Meditation enhances self-awareness, compassion for oneself and the partner, and inner peace.

I also always recommend individual therapy for both the victim and partner. Therapy can help both individuals uncover their buried hurts, self-defeating coping strategies, and unhealthy patterns of relating with others. Therapy also provides a new viewing lens to help the partners decide whether they want the marriage to continue. If they both decide to continue the marriage, I recommend conjoint therapy sessions to rebuild their relationship on firmer ground.

Finally, participating in a religious community and its services can enhance individuals’ motivation to pursue the path of forgiveness. Churches proclaim that love of one’s enemies is the highest ideal of love. In relationships in which a partner has been unfaithful, that partner is often considered a hostile enemy for an extended period of time.

Through their therapy, Donna and Jim came to admit their longstanding unhappiness with the marriage and their own personal flaws. They had both been dishonest with themselves and each other. After blaming Jim, then herself, for all of their problems, Donna realized how dependent she had become on Jim and resentful of his many absences. She had been afraid to admit her discontent for fear Jim would ignore and reject her.

In deciding to reconcile with Jim, Donna had to face her fear of being alone. She had to be sure her decision to stay with him was not motivated by her fear that she could not survive without him. For his part, Jim was truly contrite for the affair, which had been an escape for him from the unhappiness of his life and marriage. It was also an unconscious way for him to get Donna’s attention. Jim had felt neglected in the marriage after the children were born, but was unable to tell Donna what he wanted from her.

Donna come to trust Jim’s sincerity and gradually forgave him. She decided to remain marred to him, and they began marriage counseling. They also began attending church together and took the practice of regular prayer seriously for the first time in their lives. Although Donna experienced moments of panic and mistrust, she was resolved to build a life with her husband on a new foundation of honesty. Through the process of understanding herself and redefining their marriage, Donna found an inner peace she had never before experienced in her life.

Conclusion

In our unstable society, relationships are fragile. Couples live together without making lifelong commitments, and the majority of marriages end in divorce. Many relationships end because of an infidelity by one or both partners. The effects of betrayal on the victim can be traumatic, and they may experience the infidelity as a death to the relationship and their psychic wellbeing.

In this article, I have tried to explain how a discovered infidelity can be a traumatic experience for vulnerable individuals. Those who are overly dependent, are addicted to the victim role, or have a history of abusive relationships are most prone to PISD. In coping with the adultery, these individuals exhibit symptoms of PTSD, similar to those of victims of war, violent crimes, natural disasters, domestic violence, and physical or sexual abuse. They alternate between numbing their feelings and being overwhelmed by reliving the trauma of the adultery. They live on constant alert for another betrayal and refuse to entrust themselves to others. Fortunately, there is hope for victims of relational trauma. Their painful memories can be healed by forgiving themselves and their partner. In the end, it is only through forgiveness that these individuals are released to love again without fear.

Dr. D. Ortman is a psychologist in private practice in Shelby Township, Michigan

Drortman@aol.com

Recovery from Infidelity as a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/NMagazin...icles.php?id=67

Issue: November/December 2004

Dennis Ortman

Donna and Jim were soul mates. They met in high school, became sweethearts, and married soon after graduation. To their friends, they seemed to have the perfect marriage. When Donna stumbled upon Jim’s affair with her best friend, she was devastated. She was obsessed with the betrayal and filled with rage. She had nightmares and flashbacks about the affair and complained to a friend, “Something inside me died, and I can’t bring it back to life.”

In my 14 years as a Roman Catholic priest, and 14 more as a practicing psychologist, I’ve heard many stories like Donna’s. Many who discover a partner’s infidelity have lasting reactions similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, like people whose lives have been threatened in war, natural disasters, violent crimes, domestic violence, or auto accidents. They are traumatized by the loss of partnership and security.

They are preoccupied with the betrayal and consumed by fear, anger, and helplessness. They have periods of emotional numbness and avoid anything that reminds them of the affair, yet relive the horror of the discovered adultery at unexpected times and suffer nightmares and flashbacks. They live with heightened anxiety, and dread another betrayal. Consequently, they withdraw from relationships and from life.

The recovery is arduous and can take years. In my experience, it requires three steps. The first is to reestablish a sense of security. Trauma victims are flooded by emotions and need stability before decisions can be made. Therapy, supportive relationships, and spiritual practices are essential ingredients. The second stage is to make a decision about the relationship. Honest and courageous reflection is needed to assess one’s deepest desires, the partner’s character, and what led to the rupture of the relationship. The third and lengthiest phase is the healing that can come only through forgiveness from the heart. The offended person who refuses to forgive will be imprisoned in resentment and rage.

Victims of adultery often blame themselves and must face their faults and limitations. Forgiving the adulterous partner may seem impossible, but is necessary for inner peace. Understanding what pain, suffering, and character flaws led to the affair can replace anger with compassion. In the end, only through forgiveness from the heart can one can be released to love again without fear.

Dennis Ortman, Ph.D., is the author of The Dually Diagnosed and Dual Diagnosis Sourcebook.

PTSD and Affair Recovery

Article from LIz Sparks, a counselor in the UK.

A Link between Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome & Affair Recovery.

A counselor invited a "betrayed" woman to ask herself the question: " And what is the purpose of this?" when thoughts went round in her head. This post is an effort to explain what the purpose USUALLY is, at least in the beginning of recovery. This is (I believe) one of the most misunderstood aspects of affair recovery, by professionals as well as those who live it.

What becomes increasingly apparent to counselors and therapists working with couples recovering from an affair is the similarities with Post Traumatic Stress. And, when you think about it, it isn't hard to see why! When we discover that the person who we are closest to in the whole world has betrayed us in such a way, it is a HUGE TRAUMA! What the betrayed goes through in the early stages is the same as a "victim" of any trauma. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessional thoughts, mood swings, sleep disturbances, disturbances in eating and other bodily functions, and the list goes on.

And what we need to recover our "sanity" is the same process too. We need to make sense of our experiences. We need to understand all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. This ISN'T part of our craziness, it is part of our healing! One way we do that is to tell the story over and over again. You need to understand how NORMAL this is, and how healing. If you've been a victim of violent crime, you need to tell the story over and over again. A victim of war, in a car accident, BETRAYED, whatever the trauma, we need to re-tell the story, until it losses the power to cause us pain. And we need to gather all the information together, all those small pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, so that we can start to make sense of it all. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE MAKE SENSE OF IT THAT WE CAN STORE IT IN THE RIGHT PART OF OUR BRAIN. Once we can do that, those intrusive thoughts stop and we stop obsessing.

I'm not talking about some fanciful "psychological" argument here. I am talking about NEUROLOGY. What actually happens in our brain. Normal (un-traumatic memories, like what you had for breakfast this morning!) get filed away. We haven't "forgotten" stuff, we've just filed it, so we CAN retrieve those memories if we get asked a question later. Or just because we CHOOSE to think about something. But, traumatic memories don't get filed like that. Due to the high levels of hormones (you know, adrenaline and stuff), the normal function of the brain gets interfered with, and instead of being filed away, they free float, that's why they keep getting in the way. You're driving down the road and suddenly you get slammed by some thoughts. You're trying to get to sleep, and suddenly there you go thinking stuff agan! You're asleep, and bang, a horrible nightmare interrupts it! We go over and over the "facts" and try to make sense of what happened. And we are doing that so we can file them.

So, THAT is the purpose of you thinking those thoughts.

AND YOUR PARTNER COULD BE HELPING YOU RIGHT NOW, HE/SHE COULD BE HELPING FILL IN THE GAPS, so you get to know all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.

IN THE EARLY STAGES, with everything so fresh and unresolved, this is all you need to consider.

But, for others maybe, who have been suffering these for many, many months, who have been given all the facts, who have had all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, the could be other things going on. Other answers to that counselors question. It's an excellent question and worth asking yourself.

Liz Sparks.

Thank you (((((JoyH))))) for this article. It is right on target with me!!!!

My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD a month after my H's confession , in 9/05. Everything here Mr. Ortman said are things I have felt or am still feeling.

I read many articles on PTSD so I'd know what I'm dealing with now, but this article is more valuable because it is directly addressing adultery as the root cause of the problems those of us with PISD have.

Thanks again for the help!

I really needed this . . . TODAY

Thanks so much for posting this. I am saving it for future use.

Thanks so much great article.

((((JOY))))

This was a wonderful article. I have saved it. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Totally F.

Infidelity AAMFT Update

http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Upd.../Infidelity.asp

The Impact of Discovery

It is common for both spouses to experience depression (including suicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following the initial disclosure. The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. The involved spouse may fear that they will be punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.

Treatment and Recovery

The first issue to be addressed in therapy is clarifying whether the purpose of treatment is rebuilding the marriage, resolving ambivalence about whether to remain married, or separating in a constructive way. One spouse may want to reconcile while the other spouse is still ambivalent or has decided to leave. Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach. However, an ambivalent spouse or a severely agitated spouse may also need some individual therapy sessions.

One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI and telling the story of the affair comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing and forgiveness.

A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage partner.

Establishing safety. Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust.

Telling the story of the affair. A guiding principle is how information will enhance healing. However, a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a detective and a criminal. Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage to relieve some of the pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the process itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking inquisition to the neutral process of information seeking – similar to a journalist and an interviewee. The final phase is one of mutual exploration with an empathic process.

Signs of healing and recovery. 1) The marriage is stronger and is couple-centered rather than child-centered. 2) The vulnerabilities for infidelity are understood and addressed as they occur. 3) The couple has developed trust, commitment, mutual empathy and shared responsibility for change.

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the professional organization representing marriage and family therapists, believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to individuals, couples, and families

It has a name.

Thankyou for sharing the information.

excellent

thank you!

This is an excerpt from the book "The Victory - Overcoming The Trials of Life"

with Dr. H. Norman Wright

Stats Concerning Trauma

* 75% of the population has been exposed to post-traumatic stress.

* 25% of the population actually experience post-traumatic stress.

Worst Kinds of Trauma - There are many kinds of trauma, but here are some of the traumas experts consider the hardest to deal with.

* Violence involving multiple murders. This would include Columbine, Wedgewood, and terrorists attacks.

* Any catastrophe involving children. This is why Oklahoma City affected the country in such a powerful way.

* A plane crash where there is no recovery of bodies. When there is no closure through the recovery of those who have died, it is increasingly difficult for the bereaved to close that chapter.

* During times of war, MIA’s (Missing in Action). When people are missing and never recovered, there is no sense of closure for the loved ones.

Trauma Defined

* Greek word meaning, “wound” – in a wound such as trauma, scarring occurs, but one never heals from the tragedy.

* Hole in your heart – It will get smaller, but the experience will never go away.

* One feels a “separation from safety” – Once trauma hits, one hardly feels safe.

* A traumatized person has suffered an extreme blow or blows from life.

* PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: When a person has a delayed recovery to a crisis, and over-responds to a sight, a sound or a smell that reminds him of the original event, he is experiencing the trauma all over again.

* Aftershock- Any significant delayed response to the original trauma.

Underlying Beliefs – The reason why people experience trauma is because tragedy destroys some underlying beliefs and assumptions about how the world should operate.

Beliefs before Trauma

After Trauma

The world makes sense Some events don’t make sense

Trauma can’t happen to me You’re wounded and scared

Life is fair Trauma destroys fairness

How To Recognize Post-Traumatic Stress

* Difficulty sleeping

* Hyper-vigilance

* Exaggerated startle response

* Hard time concentrating

* Mood swings

* Distressing thoughts, nightmares

* Survivor guilt – feeling guilt over being the one alive

* Avoid the emotions – stuff the feelings of remorse

* Anniversaries of the event trigger flashbacks and cause turmoil

Something To Think About

Trauma is more difficult when the tragedy is caused by people rather than natural disasters. Traumas such as rape, sexual abuse, or threat to personal life are identified with people. The victim is left with a severely reduced ability to trust. When you find someone who is experiencing post-traumatic stress, make sure they see a professional counselor. Take time to listen and encourage, but people who have undergone such tragedy need experts to help them through the process of healing.

Trauma Coming Home

* 25 out of 100 girls will be sexually abused by the age of 18

* 16 out of 100 boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18

What can we do?

* Help people who have experienced trauma to talk about the their tragedy

o Let them know you are there to listen

o Do not probe about the explicit details

* Acknowledge the seriousness of what they experienced, Call it trauma, do not diminish their plight.

* Let them know if they feel out of control, that is normal.

* Compliment the person for being distressed. They should not be the silent screamers. These are people who stuff their emotions. Those who experience the grief will find it helps them in the recovery process.

* Help them to cry.

* Be careful what you share with them from the Bible. Verses about comfort may not make them feel comfort. It is important that they see someone who is specialized in dealing with trauma.

Six Characteristics of a Traumatic Event

1. Unexpected news. When an event is known in advance, you can handle it better than an unexpected tragedy.

2. A sudden shock. A sudden shock may not be a negative event, it could also be a positive such as inheriting a million dollars. Either way your life is disrupted.

3. Personal history. Any unresolved issues from the past will come alive and intensify the present situation.

4. Unfairness. This permeates every aspect of our life and is a part of an event being traumatic.

5. Powerlessness. Just as you cannot stop a hurricane or a tornado that destroys your house, so you are powerless to stop rape or a tragedy like Columbine.

6. Loss of Control. Because you are powerless to stop the tragedy, you fell like you cannot gain control of emotions or physical responses while going through the tragedy.

Thank you so much for this information. I will share it with WH in hopes that he will better understand-again thank you

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/gc5.html

Most of us build our lives around the belief that we will be relatively safe. Granted, normal daily life involves many stressors, especially in these hectic times, but we expect these pressures to happen and we become accustomed to handling them. The more flexible we are and the more we know ourselves and are in touch with our abilities, the easier it is to deal with normal everyday stress.

Sometimes, however, any of us could be subjected to catastrophic stress. Our feeling of safety in these circumstances can vanish. We could experience terror and a complete inability to know how to handle these situations that are outside of the ordinary realm of experience. These catastrophic events can include rape, physical or sexual abuse, physical attack, mugging, car-jacking, natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, floods, etc.), fires, car accidents, plane crashes, hostage situations, school shootings, military combat, or the sudden death of a loved one. It is not only the victims of these events, but also witnesses, families of victims, and helping professionals who can develop severe stress symptoms which can last for months or even years after the event.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the term used to characterize people who have endured highly stressful and frightening experiences and who are undergoing distress caused by memories of that event. It is as if the person just cannot let go of the experience. The event comes back to haunt them. The anxiety experienced during or immediately after a catastrophic event is called traumatic stress. When the symptoms last several months after the event, it is called post-traumatic stress. PTSD can last for years after the original trauma and may not become evident initially. For example, an individual may witness a murder as a child, but not experience the associated stress until mid-life.

Some people are more likely to develop PTSD than others. Experts are not sure why some people develop PTSD after a relatively minor trauma while others exposed to great trauma do not. Those who are very young or very old are more vulnerable. Individuals who already suffer from anxiety disorders, some personality disorders or depression seem more likely to get PTSD after extreme trauma. It seems that the more vulnerable one feels in dealing with the world, the more likely one is to develop PTSD.

Trauma of great severity is more likely to produce PTSD than lesser traumas. For example, it was found with Vietnam War veterans that prolonged combat with sniping and air bombardment produced PTSD more often than brief exposure to combat with few weapons. It has also been found that traumas between people (such as sexual assault and muggings) are more likely to produce PTSD than natural disasters like earthquakes or floods.

Symptoms of PTSD

People can be considered to have PTSD when they have been exposed to an extreme trauma, the symptoms last at least a month in duration, and the symptoms cause excessive distress so that social functioning and job performance are impaired. One sign of PTSD is that the traumatic event is relived repeatedly in the person s mind and this appears in the form of flashbacks, recurrent images, thoughts or dreams about the event...and even nightmares. Reminders of the event can cause distress so many people go out of their way to avoid places and events that remind them of the catastrophic occurrence. Many people experience anxiety, restlessness, concentration difficulties, decreased memory, irritability, sleeplessness, hypervigilance, or an exaggerated startle response. Some people even experience what is called survivor s guilt because they survived and others did not or because of certain things they may have had to do in order to survive.

There are three main clusters of PTSD symptoms, and all three of these groupings must be present for a diagnosis of PTSD.

Intrusive Symptoms: Intrusive and repetitive memories which stir up negative feelings experienced during the trauma can overwhelm a person. These memories can appear in the form of:

• flashbacks (a feeling of reliving the trauma)

• frequent, distressing memories of the trauma

• nightmares

• emotional and physical distress when traumatic memories are triggered.

Arousal Symptoms: PTSD sufferers experience physiological reactions, which indicate that they don t feel safe and they are physically on the alert to deal with danger. These can include:

• being easily startled or feeling jumpy

• hypervigilance (feeling on guard even when the situation is safe)

• concentration difficulties

• outbursts of anger and irritability

• problems in falling asleep or staying asleep.

Avoidance Symptoms: People suffering from PTSD go out of their way to escape the overpowering memories and arousal symptoms. This pattern of behavior can include:

• avoiding places, people or situations that serve as reminders of the trauma

• avoiding thoughts or feelings associated with the trauma

• memory loss about some aspects of the traumatic event

• feeling emotionally numb

• feeling estranged or detached from other people

• feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about the future

• decreased interest in pleasurable activities.

There are other emotional and physical problems that may accompany PTSD. Unfortunately, some people seek relief from these symptoms without dealing with the root cause so that the symptoms persist. These problems may precede PTSD, in which case they become exacerbated, or they might develop after the onset of PTSD. The emotional problems include panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of being out in public), social anxiety (speaking in public), depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse (drug or alcohol abuse). The physical problems can include skin problems, pain, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue, respiratory problems, low back pain, muscle cramps, headaches, and cardiovascular problems.

It is important to remember that PTSD is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. There is no shame in experiencing these symptoms, nor is having these symptoms a sign of weakness. Help is available from trained professionals so that in most cases, with the appropriate effort and courage, the symptoms can disappear completely, or at least substantially decrease and become more manageable.

Getting Help for PTSD

We live in a world of relative safety most of the time but it is a world in which people often lack support for dealing with calamities. In these times we may not have the extended families, long-term friendships, sense of neighborhood, feeling of community or the support from religion that have historically helped people endure times of crisis. We usually get along without difficulty as long as things go smoothly. But when a crisis occurs, we sometimes simply do not know what to do or where to turn.

Traumatic events can leave us stranded. We may lack not only social support when a crisis occurs, but also the language for understanding the place of tragedy in our lives. We may not know how to conceptualize it how to use words that can describe a disaster and make it real. We may not know how to react emotionally when crisis comes into our lives these are feelings that we may have never experienced before and they may frighten us. So we refuse to accept the crisis or to deal with it. We think we are strong and able to endure anything. Denial comes easily. Refusing or not knowing how to deal with the thoughts and feelings that accompany a major catastrophe, unfortunately, sets us up for PTSD. And it is not our fault.

PTSD is highly treatable, especially if it is caught early. The idea behind the treatment is to process or work through the traumatic event, as well as to manage the immediate troublesome symptoms the person is experiencing. A trained therapist can help the PTSD sufferer to find the words, in a safe and gentle way, to talk about the event and to confront the feelings that accompany the experience. This is not an easy step, but it is a necessary one. While it might seem natural to avoid reliving a painful memory, it is important to face the memories, feel the emotions and try to work through them. When this happens, the trauma no longer controls the person the person is now in control of the memory of the trauma to the extent that he or she can approach it objectively and flexibly.

A person who has survived a traumatic event will probably never feel as if the event never happened, but the distressing and disruptive effects of PTSD can be alleviated. In therapy, a person can learn to describe a coherent account of his or her life. People who are able to do this are much less susceptible to the effects of trauma. Therapists use a number of techniques to help a person work through traumatic events, some involving talking and some involving more physical interventions. Sometimes medication can help to lessen the anxiety, depression and sleep difficulties, as well as the physical symptoms, which go along with PTSD. Social agencies now use highly effective techniques, such as critical incident debriefing, to help people process their way through a trauma immediately after a disaster occurs in a community. Victims of violence are often now given support to talk about the event soon after it has occurred.

The old way of thinking was that the strongest people were those who could hold in their emotions and face tragedy stoically. Unfortunately, this is precisely the pattern which leads to PTSD. Real strength comes from knowing oneself and expressing that sense of self in the world with openness, honesty, integrity and courage.

Some PTSD Statistics

Most people who are exposed to extreme stress are able to process their way through their reactions and never develop PTSD.

• It has been estimated that 70 percent of people will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetime.

• Of those people, 20 percent will go on to develop PTSD.

• At any given time, an estimated 5 percent of people have PTSD.

• Approximately 8 percent of the population will develop PTSD during their lifetime.

• Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD as men, mostly because women are more susceptible to experience interpersonal violence, including rape and physical beatings.

• Victims of domestic violence and childhood abuse are at tremendous risk for PTSD.

• Rape is the leading cause of PTSD.

Do You Have PTSD?

Do you have any of the following problems? If you check at least seven of the following items and it is several months after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

____ 1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event.

____ 2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.

____ 3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.

____ 4. I am always watchful to make sure I don t experience the same event again.

____ 5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event.

____ 6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.

____ 7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.

____ 8. I get irritated or angry a lot.

____ 9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).

____ 10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.

____ 11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.

____ 12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.

____ 13. I have been relying increasingly on alcohol or drugs to get through the day.

You never have to go through this alone. Know that there is help for you!

Donna Bellafiore

Thank you. This is so me.

THANK YOU

Their talking about us again...

Thanks for the article!

it's funny (at least a little), because at the SI gathering in Ontario two months ago we were joking about coming up with a new diagnosis - and we said Post Infidelity Stress Disorder!

Of course, we described it as "Pissed!" instead of PISD.

Thank you

PTSD is hell. I was diagnosed with it in Oct 2004, and my IC at the time said it was moving from acute to chronic. Mine is what my doctor termed "aggressive combat fatigue". He described that, in simplest terms, as, "All animals have a fight-or-flight reflex. You picked 'fight'. You've been there ever since, because your brain forgot to turn it off."

I haven't slept well in years, though it's much better than it used to be and my startle reflex is finally to the point where only those who know me well notice it. I think I'd rather have perpetual chicken pox.

Dear Joy,

Thank you so much for giving this to us.

These articles need to be in the Healing Library. Like NOW.

K9

I do believe this is absolutely necessary information. I hope a lot of MC's and IC's out there are reading these articles.

Thank you JoyH!!!