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Ideas Thread: Getting the word out!

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

porcupine posted 5/28/2006 03:55 AM

I have just updated the structure to incorporate some extra ideas.

Please keep volunteering for specific chapters/sections by PM'ing myself or Minigirl

[This message edited by porcupine at 5:43 AM, May 28th (Sunday)]

sweets2u posted 5/28/2006 06:22 AM

Hi porcupine. I would love to help out with a special section on Fidelity and Sexual Addiction. Sweets

jean posted 5/28/2006 07:45 AM


I should have raised this with you whilst in Belgium.

We were having far too good a time! However!

What I wanted to say is there going to be a chapter on marriages 30 years plus? or 20 years plus? As you know GHD and myself fall into these categories?

Just a thought!

porcupine posted 5/28/2006 08:03 AM

sweets2u, thank you for volunteering!

unless you really have a problem with it, could you PM me your email address so we can communicate more easily? Thank you!

jean, can you explain where you would see that chapter fitting in the current structure and which questions you would address?
I can see it in General, next to A during illness, A during pregnancy...

Or we could add a chapter to General: Marital status and an A;
with subchapters on
- Unmarried couples
- Long term marriages
- A during or just after marriage
And how that influences reactions, decisions to stay, etc.

Are you volunteering to coordinate it?

jean posted 5/28/2006 08:17 AM

Me and my big mouth! Yes that would be a good place to put it!

Regarding me coordinating it? Yes if I was not working full time six days a week I would bite your hand off, but you know what my work schedule is! I will do what I can, but I have very little time to myself!

I have just realised WH left me with all his jobs and mine, but he has someone to do my jobs!

[This message edited by jean at 8:18 AM, May 28th (Sunday)]

Minigirl posted 5/28/2006 13:07 PM

jean- maybe we can count on you to contribute to the writings?

jean posted 5/28/2006 13:56 PM

I would like to think I could manage that!

SCORNED posted 5/28/2006 22:40 PM

if it has already been posted an i missed it , sorry.

I would love to see something in the book about addiction .... drug , alcohol ...yada yada ....how addictions play into A's and how the A's and the addictions are a *symptom* of deeper rooted underlying problems....whether it be past trauma of some sort...childhood abuse....yada yada....and how until these people get to heart of what set off there addictions through the help of a IC.....blah blah blah ....

hope I made sense ....sorta

porcupine posted 5/29/2006 02:20 AM

Hi Scorned,

Thanks for your input, I've taken note of it and will see where we can add it in. Perhaps chapter 8 in Reconciliation could become "dealing with mental illness & addiction"?

We still need a few volunteer editors, so please PM us if you are interested and let us know which chapters you could coordinate!


rachiem posted 5/29/2006 02:36 AM

Wow! I want to know how long this book is going to be! It sounds like it could be an entire series!

Or, like an encyclopedia set. An Infidelity Encyclopedia! A Concise Readers Encyclopedia Concerning the Influences, Effects, Aftermath and Recovery of Extramarital Affairs.

Can you all tell I am horribly bored and can't sleep? <sigh>

porcupine posted 5/29/2006 02:38 AM

<A Concise Readers Encyclopedia Concerning the Influences, Effects, Aftermath and Recovery of Extramarital Affairs>

nice one.

rachiem posted 5/29/2006 02:42 AM

Yeah, I thought the word "concise" lent an extra special feel to it. All the "fancy, smart" books have "concise" in the title. Well, who knows really. I just thought it sounded very official.

Oh, I can't wait to actually be in Oregon so I can close my eyes and sleep!!!!!

SCORNED posted 5/30/2006 01:41 AM

adding this here so I don't forget....

how about a "TIPS" section for those who will be D'ing or whose WS is showing signs of hiding assets...what to do to protect themselves financially.

porcupine posted 5/30/2006 02:24 AM

I admit, the Divorce section needs some work done to it, as neither Minigirl nor I are in that situation, we are not very familiar with it. So your input is welcome!

Minigirl posted 5/30/2006 09:03 AM


wow- you have some great ideas. Yes- the divorce section needs some help- ANYTHING that anyone out there can give us to help out in working on that area will be greatly appreciated.

porc- I like the change- "dealing with mental illness & addiction".

I will be working on this a bit today- so, porcupine- I will email you later on!!!

porcupine posted 5/30/2006 10:25 AM

Hi minigirl, I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

Have you seen all the responses we've received? This is awesome!!!


porcupine posted 6/2/2006 07:24 AM


Hi guys,

This is awesome. We have 20 editors on board and are in the process of attributing the chapters.

There are 46 chapters, which means about 2 chapters per editor.

More volunteer editors means we can spread the work over more people, so if you are interested in coordinating a chapter please PM myself or Minigirl!.

Chapters we definitely need an editor for are:

- An Affair during pregnancy
- The Other Child

- At least 2 chapters in the "Wayward" section

- The Book Club: this will be a reference chapter, with member reviews of the best infidelity books

- Humor in Healing

Anyone who feels they can take care of one or more of these chapters (or any of the other chapters mentioned in the post at the bottom of page 2 on this thread), please let me know asap

porcupine posted 6/14/2006 16:09 PM


We have 27 amazing volunteer editors

Almost all chapters have been handed out, except for "dealing with an OC" and a couple of chapters in Wayward.

We are however continuously looking for back-ups in case anyone needs to drop out of the project or needs help on their chapter.

Our editors will be getting to work this week... and working through the summer

I really hope we can pull this off and hopefully have a beautiful xmas present for DS and MH to thank them for all they have done for us

I'm looking for anyone who can help us get the book published. PM me if you can help so I can look into it while the editors are at work. We have a good outline and chapter structure to introduce the book to potential publishers.

Thank you all for believing in this crazy idea


usedtobeme posted 6/15/2006 00:01 AM

Is the A during pregnancy subject still open? How about a section on Pregnancy during R? I've got a lot I could assist with on that front.

Is PTSD going to be touched on? I know that there are a few of us who either actively have PTSD, or are trying to R with someone with PTSD (different types). It adds a totally new dynamic.

Either way, I'm interestd. Send some work my way!

[This message edited by usedtobeme at 12:10 AM, June 15th (Thursday)]

porcupine posted 7/2/2006 10:01 AM

I wanted to quickly update you on the book project.

So far, 20 editors have confirmed their participation and are working hard on their chapters

Unfortunately, a few editors have had to pull out due to lack of time to commit to the project.
This means the following chapters are available again, should you wish to work on them (PM me if you do).


Chapters needing editors:
Section One- Just Found Out
I. 3 Chapter Three- Discovery
a. The Confession
b. Suspicion/Confrontation
c. Blindsided: Advised by third party, walking in on WS/AP, gaslighting techniques
d. Coping with friends/family who knew about the affair
e. Partial disclosure - getting the whole truth

I. 4 Chapter Four- Initial Reaction to an Affair
b. Emotional Reactions
- Anger/Sadness/Depression
- Fence Sitting
- Cake-person
- seeing through WS excuses for the Affair
- Limbo

Section Two General
II. 1 Chapter One- Dealing with a fence-sitter/cake-person
a. The 180 rules
b. No contact with the WS

II. 8 Chapter Eight- The Other Child
a. How to cope
b. Is it strategy to "trap" the WS into the affair, or is it real?
c. The legal consequences
- DNA/Paternity testing
- Child support, visitation, and custody

II. 12 Chapter Twelve- Venting
a. The best of SI vents and responses

Section Three- Reconciliation
III. 1 Chapter One- Tips and techniques for reconciling your relationship
a. Defining boundaries
b. The stages of reconciliation: what to expect during the first year

III. 7 Chapter Seven- Taking Care of You During Reconciliation
a. The bumpy road to reconciliation
b. Coping strategies
c. How do I stop attacking my WS?
d. Getting through the emotions as a couple
e. Should we renew our vows?

Section Four: The Wayward Side
IV. 3 Chapter Three- No Contact
a. Going NC and maintaining NC
b. Do I write a letter?
c. Coping with the urge to break NC
d. I've broken NC. Now what do I do?

IV. 7 Chapter Seven- Getting to Why

The first step in the editing process is defining a chapter outline.

This is an example of outline made by SacredSoul for one of her chapters - she's done a great job, so this will give you a good idea of what we expect to receive at this point in the process.


Section Three, Chapter Five, What questions do I ask my Wayward Spouse about the Affair now that we are reconciling?

III. 5 a. Should I ask questions?

How getting (or not getting) the answers affects the BS; wondering vs. knowing; creating triggers

III. 5 b. How detailed should the questions be?

Should the BS get only the basic information, or ask detailed questions; questions about sex; not asking for more than BS can handle

III. 5 c. How do I ask?

Ways to present questions, (e.g. on paper, asking when the question arises, or conducting a Q&A session with a time limit); how the BS should respond when answers are given; asking the same question repeatedly

III. 5 d. What if WS doesn’t want to answer my questions?

Joseph’s Letter*, fear of hurting the BS; “window/wall” analogy

III. 5 e. When WS answers with “I don’t know” or “I forgot”

How evasion hurts reconciliation; how “fog” affects the WS’s memory; sometimes the details are lost forever and how to deal with that

III. 5 f. Is it possible to reconcile with unanswered questions?

When the WS remains evasive

* We have received permission from Peggy at DearPeggy.com to use Joseph’s Letter.

Don't hesitate to get in touch if you want to help out!

And to all the editors already working on this: you're all doing a great job! Thank you!

Take care,

[This message edited by porcupine at 10:02 AM, July 2nd (Sunday)]

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