I Don't Know How to Heal But Want to Try

Hello,

I'm sorry in advance if this comes out as rambling or incohesive, feel free to ask clarifying questions as this is a new situation for me.

For detail-heavy context: I (24F) have been with my partner (24M) for almost 8 years. I am his first relationship, and he is my third (the previous two lasted less than a month each and never became intimate- sexually or otherwise). We both have ADHD, with his being worse and he struggles to understand social cues (this becomes relevant). We are both Bisexual. I am 13 weeks pregnant with our first child, and we secretly eloped two years ago but are waiting until we can afford a house to get "officially" married.

Before the incident, which happened extremely recently (10/10/26) I would have told everyone that we had the perfect relationship. We had a healthy sex life, great communication, and were living separately with our families while saving for a house (since in this economy we agreed it made sense to skip renting). I loved him sometimes more than I cared for myself, and I know that feeling was mutual since we have discussed that exact topic before.

On 10/13/26, he took me out on a date which is the normal for us since we are both busy people struggling to juggle work and life (plus school for him). He refused to let me pay for our meal, saying that he wanted to cover it, since we usually take turns anyways I let him. Then he said something slightly out or the ordinary, that he wanted to walk around the park. He seemed slightly nervous, but he had told me during the meal that he had not slept well the last couple days (he works a job that does night calls and can disrupt his sleep) so I temporarily did not think anything of it.

As we got to the park, he seemed more and more at unease. He kept doting on me as always asking if I needed anything or if I wanted to take breaks while walking around, discussing our future together because this is the same park he used to go to as a kid with his mother. I started getting slightly nervous because of the way he was looking at me- he looked slightly frightened, like I may suddenly just turn to dust in his hands.

As we walked he led me to a seated area with not much public disturbance and told me he had to say something to me. I honestly became nervous in that moment that he may propose, even though it didn't match our timeline.

But instead, he held my hands, and told me that he had cheated on me. As mentioned earlier, it happened 3 days before the date. He was at a karaoke bar he frequents and has frequented more recently (once a week) since the news of pregnancy because hes been nervous (understandably, I have been as well) he made a aquaintance there. The man and my partner talked for a while, discussing music and Pool tables and thenas my partner was preparing to leave the man asked if he wanted to see his pool cues in the back of the car. My partner followed him outside to his car, where the man exposed himself to my partner...and my partner performed oral on him.

My partner and I discussed it then and there, because I felt I deserved answers and he told me I deserved to know anything I wanted. The transaction was consentual, and as far as either of us know there was no drugs slipped to him. He said he was slightly drunk, but not enough to be held unaccountable for his actions. He told me it lasted 10-15 seconds, then he became aware of what he was doing, pushed the man away from him and immediately went home, throwing up along the way.

With this information in tow, we both cried for a long time, I don't remember how long we both sat on that picnic table bench. At some point I moved across the table to him and we just held each other, although he said he didn't deserve the comfort. He gave me the freedom to choose where our relationship goes from there, offering to go home in a uber if that would make me more comfortable, to not reach out for a week or month if I needed it, he even offered to co-parent and be as far as I needed him to be to be comfortable. He told me he would understand if I never wanted to talk to him again, and apologized for not telling me earlier but he wanted to pay for one last meal for me and be able to see me smile one more time before he assumed I would leave.

He told me that the reason he hadn't kissed me all day was because he was scared he may have gotten something and didn't want to hurt me or our child.

He told me that no matter what I chose he had decided to become sober, that he was taking a STD test, and that he was going back to therapy. He said that if the alcohol had even a little to do with what happened then he never wants to take that chance again. He wanted to make sure that he was healthy, and he wanted to go to therapy to see why he did it, why he made this choice even for a moment.

I decided to stay. It may seem hard to understand, but I believe that he is just really messed up inside right now. I believe that actions speak louder than words and I had seen him for the three days before he said anything not sleep, barely eat, and throw up constantly at the idea of losing me. I have known him since we were both teens and I have never seen him look so broken and scared. He also told me hesitantly (stating before this that he didn't want it to affect my choice but felt I should know) that he had been suicidal the last few days and considered killing himself, but didn't think I (or our expecting child) deserved to be put through that. When I told him I was scared and hurt but wanted to stay he started breaking down. He told me he didn't deserve it but that he would fight to get my trust back and that he was so thankful I would give him another chance. He told me he also wanted to get couples therapy because he didn't think it was healthy that I still trusted him after he told me about the incident and he wanted to make sure I got help.

In the days following he would constantly ask what I needed, and I honestly just wanted him to remain close to me. It wasn't that I thought he would run away and be unfaithful, but honestly that I have trauma with abandonment and was terrified that if he left he would decide that he wasn't good enough for me and not come back. We spent the next five days together, and he was so comforting of me. I still have panic attacks, and sometimes I cry so hard I think I can't breath, and he just holds me and tells me he's so sorry, that he's not going anywhere, and that I mean everything to him. He would hold me when I would suddenly become emotionally overwhelmed and start crying for no reason as well, he kept trying to make sure I was hydrated and eating at least a little, he even (after asking if it was ok multiple times) helped me take a shower the first fews days because I just felt lost and didn't have the motivation to care for myself.

Overall, I still love him. I am so confused and scared and terrified but I keep trying to spend everyday having hope in him and myself, our relationship. I know to you internet strangers this may sound too fast or fake but he really is a good man deep down and again, that he is just messed up right now, and even while mesed up he is taking better care of me than I can of myself.

We are still attempting to get consultations with couple therapists, and he has his first therapy appointment tomorrow. He has had one STD test so far and is clean, but we are still waiting to see what comes the next few months. I have my first therapy appointment in a week.

To anyone who made it this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to get any advice I can take to begin the healing process, as I feel that my partner deserves a second chance, and that I still deserve the amazing man I know he can be, and I don't want to accidentally hurt my healing throughout the lifetime it may take of us being together to mend.

0 comment posted: Monday, October 19th, 2026