Is this salvageable?

A couple of years ago, I guess me and my husband started on a decline of intimacy that I didn’t notice right away. My mother had to move in with us and our toddler was time consuming and exhausting and I stopped initiating sex. In fact, I turned him down a lot. He also was snoring and I asked him to sleep in the living room. He wasn’t too happy but wanted me to sleep better.

For background, my husband has always been wonderful to me. We’ve been together 11 years and he is my best friend. He’s always wonderfully supportive and understanding. He’s kind and does anything for me. He’s mentioned to me that the lack of intimacy has been hard on him but I kind of dismissed it with my own excuses. He stopped bringing it up. We still had sex but I was hasty. He said it felt like I just wanted to get it over with, no foreplay or teasing etc. Honestly I don’t know why I ended up that way because I do find him attractive and I love him very much. I needed him more in a comforting way than a sexual passionate way.

Back in 2023, he posted some of my nudes on Reddit with my permission. I was feeling down about my body after having a baby and he wanted to prove how desirable I am. He got tons of comments and DMs from men and he thought I would enjoy that but it kind of made me feel icky. I’m a very monogamous person and I really only wanted that attention from him. He then deleted the posts and I didn’t think much of it. Well it turns out, the thrill of that made him think he’d like to post his own nudes. He said it was a curiosity thing but also just how low his self confidence was after being repeatedly rejected by me. He got a pretty overwhelming response from those posts with lots of comments and messages. At first he didn’t reply and just enjoyed the attention, but then he did start to reply to the occasional message. Over time this evolved to "sexting" random women in the Reddit messages. He said that it almost felt like an extension of porn (which I don’t mind that he watches). He didn’t know anyone personally and the anonymity of Reddit made it easy to stay detached from what he was doing. He said it was just an outlet for what he felt he was lacking with us.

I asked why he didn’t just tell me and he said he did but that I always had an excuse and he didn’t want to make me feel worse or pressure me. He wanted ME to want HIM the same way he wanted me. I feel terrible that I had no clue how down he was feeling. Well I found out one night when I caught him after I went to bed in the living room messaging someone (I saw it over his shoulder). He immediately gave me his phone, confessed to everything and basically said that he’s a piece of shit and he will do anything to regain my trust.

Honestly I do believe him. Anyone who knows us knows that he loves me to death. I don’t think this is normal for his character and as far as cheating goes I feel like this is the bottom rung of the ladder. He never spoke to anyone continuously. No emotional conversations or video calls. Literally just a brief conversation to masturbate and then move on I guess. He said it almost felt like messaging a chatbot or AI. He imagined me talking to him and wanting him in this way every time. He’s been extremely transparent and patient, said he realized that doing this to spare my feelings was the dumbest thing he could’ve done. He should’ve just told me how he was feeling and be a bit more firm about it or suggest counseling. He’s actually asked if we can try counseling because he will do anything for us to rebuild.

Is this something you could move on from? I feel like most people have been through much worse with infidelity. We both love each other very much and all other aspects of our relationship bring us so much joy and comfort. He has made no excuses, only explained himself for my understanding. I feel like I have some responsibility here as well and I want to work on that. Has anyone been through similar? I keep telling him that people say "once a cheater always a cheater" and he’s asked for the opportunity to prove that wrong. He’s also said that at the time, he used the anonymity and detachment to convince himself it wasn’t like cheating. He recognizes that was just his own justification.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 25th, 2025