I can't go on like this
Hello,
so this is my first post. I'm a wayward who has life-long mental health issues pretty much that have caused me to self-isolate and maladaptively daydream and I'm also prone to passive suicidal ideation.
I'm usually very passive but I suppose in 2022 I started engaging in unhealthy sexual behaviors that I can't really mention here after a lifetime of pushing my sexuality aside and in 2023 I started talking to men online without really thinking I could get into a relationship, I was just going crazy from loneliness.
I started two relationships at the same time, one with my now husband whom I lied to and promised exclusivity to and the other with my AP whom I told about my BP. I met my AP towards the end of the year and stopped talking to the AP almost completely around that time. I felt guilty and after some prompting told my BP about the affair 13 months ago. Objectively our relationship wasn't salvagable, I wasn't ready, there was nothing holding us together after essentially just one date but we decided to get married a couple months ago.
The thing is I was passive for most of our relationship and reconciliation, I started feeling more and more broken as more and more trauma piled up on me. A lot of the time I feel dead inside, all of my passion, all of my drive, all of the convictions and my faith are all gone. I feel like I'm a burden on my BP because I rarely feel well. It's heartbreaking to lose all this time as newlyweds to reconciliation troubles and trauma and I just need to get out of this cycle somehow.
Thank you for reading
5 comments posted: Wednesday, March 12th, 2025
