I gave him an ultimatum - now what?!

sorry for long post! Been together with DH for 19 years, married 12. 2 DC, 9 and 6. Very much stuck in a routine for the last few years - I have low sex drive and DH have complained several times about feeling unloved and like we’re in a roommate situation. I make more of an effort when he does but then admittedly get distracted by life and the cycle starts again.

I noticed about 1 1/2 years ago that he made less of an effort too but somehow filed it under ‘things to sort when the kids get older’. About 4 months ago there was a shift in behaviour and he became more protective of his phone etc. I discovered that he had developed a friendship with a woman at work who ‘is in the same situation’ and they ‘just talk’.

It’s slowly crept out that they sometimes meet up for talks when he should be elsewhere and he has now admitted to developing feelings for her. I don’t think they’ve done anything physical yet but as far as I’m concerned he’s emotionally invested in someone else so he’s cheating.

He says he doesn’t want a divorce and he wants to fix things between us. I’ve said he needs to cut all ties with the other woman - stop seeing her, block number etc and also explain to her that he’s doing that because he’s choosing to fight for his wife and family (I’m perhaps naive but hoping she’ll respect that and back off). He said he would do it but then seemed to sway and started saying how ‘it’s not as easy as that’. He says it helps him to speak to her and that he’s in control of the situation and won’t let it go further.

So I gave him an ultimatum and said that if he doesn’t cut the ties I won’t be able to move forward and we’ll need to divorce. He’s been adamant he doesn’t want a divorce so I thought saying that would focus his mind and he says ‘he’ll deal with it’ but still hasn’t broken it off (he’s told her about my ultimatum though). I feel like he wants to keep the cake and to eat it.

It’s only been two days since the ultimatum but I’m not sure what to do, I can’t sleep or eat or focus at work. I really don’t want to lose him or our life together and I feel like I’ve sleepwalked right into this situation. Is it too late to fix things? Is he going to be able to let her go and focus on us? Do I wait for him to hopefully come to his senses or just call it quits?

I work full time in a senior post and am by far the higher earner so I’m not worried about the financial situation (if anything I’ll lose out as majority of house deposit came from my savings and gifted from my parents). I just don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to lose our family unit. We’re a great team and have a lot of fun together - never any arguments and even this situation has been discussed relatively calmly and with no heated words. I’m willing to forgive and work this through but is it too little too late?!

Just to be clear, I don’t think he’s been seeing her for 1 1/2 year, I think he ‘gave up’ at that point and had probably resigned to that we were in a relationship with a lot of love for each other but not in love with each other. He met her about 6 months ago. She has a DC, a little older than ours, and is still with her partner but getting ready to leave I think.

He is refusing therapy after a bad experience when he was younger. I’m open to it but he’s a hard no. He won’t let me see their messages because he doesn’t think it’ll help anything and also says it’s an invasion of his privacy as they were akin to a diary for him. He swears he’s not said things like ‘I love you’ or even ‘I miss you’ but I seriously doubt that. I’m an over analyser and problem solver, so not knowing is killing me but I really can’t walk away either, I love him and I don’t want to break up my family.

Sorry for the ramblings, I am just so confused right now and really need support.

20 comments posted: Tuesday, February 4th, 2025