WW’s short term EA

Hello everyone,

I’ve been going through it since DDay in early October last year and this forum has helped me tremendously. I want to start by saying thank you to anyone who’s posted or given advice because it kept me going.

I’ll start my story in July of 2024. My wife of 5 years (together 11) and I had an argument and she wound up leaving. She spent time with my cousin and some friends from work and was gone for 3-4 days. She comes home and we work things out (or so I thought.) We talk about our future and agree to be better for one another. Following this, I believe I did everything in my power to hold up my end of the deal. I began to look into IVF treatments to start a family with her, helped out around the house a lot more, made sure to get her flowers and gifts, etc. (basically all of the things that we argued about before she left).

The next 2 months are great. Sex life is increased, spending more time together, etc. but one night I woke up around 3am and had a weird urge to go through her phone. I find a deleted call from a mutual friend and coworker. Particularly the coworker she spent time with when she was away from me. I also found a text that was to my cousin that said "just helped him get the kids to bed" when she initially told me that she was at the coworkers house alone. The next day I confront her and she initially says "he tried to kiss me" and that turned into TT for a few weeks.

Let’s talk about the coworker for a sec. Married, multiple kids, guys a few years older than me. Initially she told me that he was not there. They have been friends for years prior to this incident, I believe that nothing happened before this.

Turns out that one of the nights my wife was gone, she went to his house. She didn’t know that his wife wouldn’t be there. My wife had serious drug and alcohol issues at the time and he tried to take advantage of my wife when she was drinking. They did make out but nothing further, apparently the coworkers wife came home early and interrupted them. Following that event, my wife said that he would bring up how he wished that it went further, etc at work. My wife stated that she initially tried to place boundaries but they kept getting pushed back further and further. One day the coworker sends a nude and my wife reciprocates. This happens another time a few days later and my wife reciprocates again. There was also a FaceTime of sexual activity a few days before the affair ended. There was a lot more of the emotional affair including them talking badly about their spouses, talking all day, etc. but the sexual stuff is what bothers me most, even if it’s *just* sending nudes.

The affair ended when my wife found out that he was having multiple relationships like this with other coworkers. I know that sounds terrible as it wasn’t guilt or shame or her coming to her senses. I looked through her phone records and she went from calling him multiple times a day to not speaking at all until the call that I found. She said he called her and she told him she was working things out with me and then blocked him on everything. This is true, he was blocked on DDay when I checked.

Essentially the affair lasted 3 weeks before it fell apart. My wife went and had a polygraph done on her own to answer questions about whether she had sexual intercourse of any kind with him. All indicators point to her not having sex with AP. Since DDay my wife has changed completely. She’s started IC, taken full responsibility, met every demand, and is taking steps to become a safe partner. She’s also gotten into church (was previously atheist) and stopped all drinking and drug abuse. She truly is the partner that I had for many years before this rough spell, heck, maybe even better. I believe everything that she has told me to be true and believe that the polygraph speaks volumes because I didn’t force her to do it.

Also I know it’ll be asked, yes I did try to tell AP’s wife. She is in disbelief and stated that my wife is making this all up to get attention from me. I finally sent her irrefutable proof which was knowledge of her prior affair, stuff that my wife wouldn’t know unless AP told her. I haven’t gotten a response back since then.

Now let’s get to present day. It’s been about 3 months, I know, it’s early. But man, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. It seems like I’m past the heartbroken stage and now I just feel nothing. I feel sad when I think about not being with her, but I also am at peace that things will be okay either way. I’m taking steps to make myself happy again. Finally went back to the gym on Sunday for the first time since DDay. I guess I’m looking for guidance on what emotions to expect and if what I’m feeling now is normal? If you have any resources for me to check out I’m also open to books! I’ve read a few but can’t remember the titles (the one that talks about love banks and Not Just Friends)

Edit: I don’t want it to come off like I was the perfect partner. I am well aware that I didn’t make my wife have this affair, but I certainly had my parts in the mess. I was not a good partner prior to this, constantly spending time away from my wife with my hobbies, marriage was sub par, and I was very mean the morning that she left. She woke me up crying and I scolded her for having bad mental health and it turned into a big fight before she left. Just wanted to take my part in our marriage troubles, I’m not oblivious to that.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, January 15th, 2025