Lost ( may be over sharing, but just trying to have the full story)

Long story and first time here. Just needing to talk and not be in my head. I (32m) met my wife in college and was smitten. Like she was the type of girl that I’d never thought would give me a second glance. But, she did, and my world was flipped around. We did everything together and even as corny as it sounds, I thought I found my soul mate. She was my rock and best friend. We continued life together, enduring the hardships that came, but always managed to come out the other side just fine. Or so I thought.

After "checking off" our to do lists, getting married, getting a house, having a child, I thought we were in a great place. I thought we would be that one family that was strong, and genuinely happy to be together. Having our child was the best feeling I have had. My wife was the same, so happy to see what we created together. But she did struggle afterwards with some form of PPD. I thought I was there for her and I tried to take the burden of the hard nights from having a newborn off her.

All of this, to find out she has been unhappy for the past few years, without communicating to me, because she didn’t even know. She only found out how unhappy she was because of new person in her life. A person that she felt genuinely happy to talk to. A person she met doing something we both enjoyed doing together.

I have never been controlling and telling her who she can and can’t talk too, but I just had a gut feeling to snoop. I found the messages from him to be overly flirty and didn’t like the way he talked to her. I confronted her about this back in March and she genuinely felt ashamed and was upset. I wasn’t mad at her, but she felt like she did something wrong and apologized and said she would stop. I believed her, and she did. For a little bit. I got another one of the gut feelings and saw they continued to message each other. Even talking at one point late at night while I was asleep. This felt like a betrayal and I felt lost. Again, apologies were made and she understood how it looked. And this time it did stop. We had our beautiful child and I thought things were looking great. I forgave her for the going behind my back and thought this was in the past. Until 2 weeks ago, I got that stupid gut feeling again. And it was right. They were talking again. She deleted messages that she sent. And she was talking to him about serious things. And also planning a meet up that is happening now. She lied to me about the business trip of how long it was going to be so she could spend time with him. And she wasn’t even going to tell me until she knew what it was. And now wants to see how they will work out together. I was given the I want a separation and divorce talk. I was shocked. I was in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what was happening, nor it would ever happen to me.

I fought. I tried to talk to her. Tried to ask to fight to save this. To go to couples counseling. All of that was to avail. She said I just needs to accept this and start working on myself. She realizes what she is doing, and knows it’s bad, but wants to be able to make her own choices. Not be influenced by others. Which sadly, I understood her for that.

The sad part is, is I still care way too much about her. I want her to be happy, and if I can’t give it to her, she doesn’t deserve to be unhappy with me. I know time heals everything, but my life was torn from me. Things I never wanted our child to experience, will now have too. Having my deepest fear of being cheated on, come to fruition. Having to live in the same house because do not want to be separated from my child, knowing she is talking to him constantly, either texting or having phone calls. I just feel like a shell.

Self reflection is easier to see how things could have been better between the both of us, better communication, etc, but that’s always easier to see when looking in the past.

I have no idea if I’m having the right mentality about this, but our child is the most important thing and I cannot do anything that would cause his future to be in jeopardy. They deserve a relationship with both his Mom and Dad. And if my wife’s truly happy, that would be the best, because in my mind, if she’s happy, she’ll be a better mom. And I hope I’m able to find true happiness. For my child’s sake and mine.

I don’t know what the future holds in store for me. Part of me is angry and just wants to see if there is someone out there meant for me. Who would choose me. Part of me wants to work it out. The small portion still holds onto what we used to be and what we could be. I know these are normal thoughts and emotions but it’s just killing me mentally. I have seen a therapist and that has helped. Again just need to get this out there, for better or worse. I know how I look like, part of me wishes I wasn’t like this, but I can’t help it.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, December 11th, 2024