Just venting.
I was with my ex-girlfriend for 7 years, 2 of which we lived together. The first 5 years were amazing, with a deep connection. We had a lot in common, from our sense of humor to our political and religious beliefs. She always told me she was lucky to have met me and that we were an ideal couple. We were on the same page about the future, dreaming of having children and a life together.
However, in the fifth year of our relationship, we went through a difficult period. My father fell into alcoholism, which deeply affected my family. Also, I worked with him, which made the situation even harder, both at home and at work. All of this happened during the COVID-19 pandemic, which further worsened my emotional state. I fell into depression and became negative and apathetic. She supported me as best as she could, but I noticed she was resentful because my depression was interfering with our plans and our relationship.
Although I understood that it was a complicated situation, I sometimes felt that I wasn't receiving enough support from her. She told me she understood what I was going through, but she couldn't understand how much my mood was affecting our relationship.
Despite the difficulties, our relationship continued. We had the hope of moving in together to a new apartment that we were renovating. The first three months of living together were wonderful. When I moved out of my parents' house, my depression improved considerably. However, after a while, she started to become distant. She began ignoring me, not sharing things with me, and finding any excuse to create conflict. It reached the point where she tried to kick me out of the house on two occasions.
We were like this for about a year. There were good moments, but also very difficult moments when her behavior was very different from the one I had known. One day, while we were watching Instagram, a message from her first boyfriend appeared on her WhatsApp. I was in shock because I couldn't believe that the person I was building a life with was talking to someone I considered a threat to our relationship.
After some time, I couldn't take it anymore and told her I thought she was cheating on me with him. She denied everything and said that she had only contacted him because he had divorced his wife (which was true, since we lived in a small town and everyone knew everything) and needed furniture for his new apartment and she own a furniture shop. What puzzled me even more was that the apartment he rented was from her aunt, which made the situation even more suspicious.
This made me start questioning many things about her and our relationship. Her romantic history had been tumultuous, and she had told me that she had learned from her mistakes. But seeing this situation, I wondered if my depression was the only problem or if reconnecting with her ex had been a crucial factor in the breakup of our relationship.
She left her first boyfriend (her fiance now) for someone who used her for sex and then abandoned her. She was left alone without any friends becasue they shared the same group. Later, when her second boyfriend left her for another woman, her first boyfriend reached out to see how she was doing. They ended up having an emotional affair, and they almost left his ex-fiancée at the altar, but he backed out. When I found out about this, I started to suspect that the contact with him and her past bad experiences were influencing her behavior with us.
At that point, I decided to leave. My feelings for her were no longer clear. I told her what I thought and left our home. It was an impulsive act, but the truth is that I couldn't stand the emotional distance between us any longer. After leaving, I spent six months in therapy, trying to work through my depression and figure out what had happened. During that time, I realized that I still missed her, so I decided to reach out to her to talk and see if we could give it another chance.
I was surprised when she accepted, but when we finally met, she told me that she wasn't sure anymore and needed time to think. A week later, I saw her on the street with her ex-boyfriend. After investigating, I discovered that they were officially together. It hit me like a punch in the stomach because just the day before, she had told me she was open to getting back together. Now, she was with him, and she still tried to tell me it was all just a coincidence and that I was imagining things.
I started the "no contact" rule after my failed proposal, in October 2023. We crossed paths in December 2023, and we talked briefly on the street, then continued the conversation over WhatsApp, and we were back in contact. The situation continued like this until March 2024, when I asked her where this was going. She told me that she was still with her ex and apologized if I had been confused.
I was devastated because I genuinely thought we were reconnecting, so I told her I didn’t want to stay in contact anymore and wrote her a goodbye letter. Two days later, she contacted me saying we should meet up. I agreed, and we spent six hours talking about the breakup, the relationship, and ourselves, and that night we ended up having sex.
After that, we spoke for a few days until she pulled away again, telling me that she had a life now and this couldn’t continue. My hopes went up once again only to crash down. In April 2024, a month later, she contacted me out of the blue, saying she was very sad about everything that had happened and how things had ended. I suggested we talk on the phone, and she agreed. We spoke for hours and made plans to meet again.
After that, she never contacted me again. I was ashamed to admit that I spent the following months, from April to September 2024, reaching out to her, trying to get some kind of explanation. She became very rude to me, blaming me for everything, saying that I was the one who decided to cut things off, ignoring everything that led to that point. She blamed my depression, claiming that the reason she had ignored me for a year was because I was uncommunicative and difficult to talk to. This was not true. Yes, I had moments when I struggled with my depression, but since we had started living together, things had been better, and she was also going through a hard time because of her uncle’s passing, which I didn’t take into account.
Recently, I discovered that she is engaged to her high school first love, someone she had been in contact with before our breakup, and who she began seeing just a couple of months after we broke up. This was the same person she was talking to when she told me in July 2023 that she wanted to get back together, but was already with him (although it was not public at that time). This was the same person she cheated on me with about six months ago.
What confuses me even more is that when we were together, she didn't want to marry but did want to have children. Now, she's going to marry someone who doesn’t want children because he already has a child from a previous marriage with his ex-wife and they can’t stand each other. She told me that she wanted to have children with him, and they had discussed it. But recently, I found out that she suggested having a child, and he refused. So, I don't understand anything.
Even after all this, I still miss her, and I can’t help but blame myself for everything that happened. If I had healed from my depression earlier, if I had been more patient, if I hadn’t left her, if I had contacted her sooner—none of this would have happened. I feel like I’m selfish and childish for abandoning the relationship, and she has repeatedly emphasized that I am 31 years old and she is 38, and she always saw herself as the more mature one.
I know that the situation is lost, and even if there were a chance of her coming back, it wouldn't be the same after everything that has happened. I just wanted to let out everything I’ve been holding inside. After finding out that she is engaged, I sent her a message saying, "I didn’t know. Sorry for the intrusion during these months. I wish you the best." She didn’t reply, so that’s where the story ends.
3 comments posted: Sunday, November 24th, 2024
