Despite NC, AP reached out

I have been lurking on SI for the past few months and am amazed by the compassion and thoughtfulness of the community. Not sure if I should be posting here or in the General Forum -- it has been six months since D-Day 1 (six year long PA/EA) and four months since D-Day 2 (hiring prostitutes intermittently for 15 years). Married for 26 years in what we both would have described as a great marriage (Rug sweeper, meet rug sweeper). Four young adult children. WH wants to R. I have said I am committed to trying to understand what happened and am mostly ambivalent about R. I am still in shock, though just recently starting to have moments where I am more accepting that this is reality. I am in IC, and we are in a group therapy situation with other couples who are struggling with infidelity, which has been very helpful.

WH initiated NC after discovery which was via an email that said he was committed to me and wanted no contact -- no phone, text, email, in person, etc.-- with AP. Last week (six months later and three days before our wedding anniversary) he received an email sent to his work email account from his AP. He told me immediately, we opened it together and the email asked for a 15-minute phone call for "closure." He deleted the email, says he has no interest in any contact with her and we've spoken about what he would do and say if she reaches out again and/or calls, which I am sure she will. WH is saying mostly all the right things, is willing to discuss and modify to make sure that I am comfortable and says he's committed to acting in ways that will show his commitment to me and wanting to make things safe. He also says he does not think about AP and is committed to our marriage. Yet I am in full-on Fatal Attraction mode and feel that AP will now continue to pursue this until they can talk and that she is a smart, angry and unstable and potentially dangerous person. This all could be true, but also might be my trauma brain talking. Would welcome thoughts/advice on this.

Also struggling with WH not "getting it." He has made major strides since DDay but still will not get to deep core of what allowed him to make the choices he did. At my insistence he was in IC for a few months but dropped it, saying he doesn't really see the purpose, saying "tell me what to work on and I'm happy to keep going." Of course I'm not a professional and things will get nowhere if I'm telling him what to talk about in therapy. I'm trying to be patient and let this go, hoping that perhaps in time he'll get curious and realize he has some heavy lifting to do, but the 'white knuckle' approach he is taking is not reassuring, even though he believes that he's made a decision not to have secrets and therefore everything's under control.

TIA for any feedback.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, January 21st, 2025