Advice on how to write to spouse of AP

This is my first post here. I will start by saying a big thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and advice, stalking these forums has definitely speeded up my healing journey. I am writing because I need advice on how to disclose my husband's affair to his AP's spouse. Are there threads with advice on this topic? What to say and what to not say?

Some background - I have started divorce proceedings against my husband of 34 years for a number of reasons, including refusing to get treated for alcoholism, and at least an emotional affair for the last 3 years. He had an affair with his AP many years before he met me (they were in their teens), and recently re-initiated contact. He trickle truthed me saying he called her because she was distraught (she had lost a parent), and that they only spoke a couple of times. A series of incidents triggered my suspicion - I checked our phone bills for the last 2 years and found they spoke for hours, sometimes for over 2 hours several times within a single day. A couple times when I called him during their conversations, he would either not answer or say that he was in the middle of a work call. The calls were more frequent or longer when I travelled and was away for a few days. He has been guarding his phone ever since he started all this, but when I first confronted him with the call logs and demanded to see his texts, he handed me his phone lying that he had not even saved her as a contact. Sure enough, I could not find her in his contact list, so I entered her number and found it saved as Spam Risk 2 (one has to wonder who Spam Risk 1 and 3 are). I found pictures of the 2 of them from when they met, the date on one of the pictures confirmed when he stood me up for a concert. Their texts and calls coincided with times when he was extra rude to me (although he took the phone away and I wasn't able to read much). I found out during the divorce process that he has another credit card, and that he had made at least one purchase at a women's clothing store (regular clothes, not lingerie). When I asked him what he bought, he said he had bought me a gift but he lost it. Then later, he said he threw it away because he was mad at me. He insists that their relationship is platonic and spiritual, and that he did not tell me the truth because I am immature. She lives on the other side of the country so I don't think they meet often. I don't find their calls on the phone bill anymore probably because they now use whatsapp. He withdrew fairly large amounts of cash in the last year - he may have been doing this all the time we were married and I may have just not noticed.

This woman is actually in his family (she is his cousin once removed), and I know her husband's number and email. The husband hasn't been answering his cell phone, so I am considering sending him an email stating the facts of what I know. I think he needs to know, just like I would have liked to know. Besides, if their relationship is indeed platonic and I am being immature, telling her husband will give me another point of reference. And although I am taking care of myself (it has been 6 months since I found out), I am not above making things difficult for WH and his AP.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 1st, 2024