Focussing on the future rather than the past

I found out my Husband was having an affair end April, I found the messages on his phone. I never look at his phone but there has been a few red flags over the preceding weeks and that particular day he was obsessing with it. The affair had been ongoing for around 7 weeks, it was clearly red-hot judging by the content of the messages. We have been together 27 years and I had been having some difficulty with a new Boss at work who was being demanding and difficult so working longer hours trying to manage situation, Husband is retired and has a lot of time on his hands.

He Immediately took fright went and ended with OW, we have talked it all through, he went for counselling, read books and he genuinely is horrified and disgusted with himself. He says he acted impulsively handing met the woman through a volunteering role he had, he says it became a bit of a fantasy world and he knew it was wrong and was trying to extract himself but it was a like a powerful drug.

We are four months on, he is doing everything possible to make me comfortable, giving me access to his phone, whereabouts, showering me with love tokens and messages, making an extra effort to arrange date nights - everything. It’s going really well, the counselling was a huge help and created a structure.

I am still struggling to get the OW out of my head, i think because I saw the messages. She was clearly smitten, they were full of words like ‘waited our whole life to find each other’, connecting on a deeper level, how they made each feel etc and I am terrified she will try and initiate contact. He has told me he has removed and blocked her and I can see that he has, so it’s more her behaviour and whether she could re-appear and try and make contact.

I know her address, I was tempted to write a letter to set out my side and essentially correct that we were not in a dead end, cold marriage - quite the opposite and that he could have left that day to be with her and chose not to. I have written down what I would say (it was actually quite cathartic), should I send it or should I leave it rather than disturb a possible wasps nest?

12 comments posted: Saturday, August 31st, 2024