Overwhelmed and needing positivity

I’ve been looking at various posts on this site for a couple of weeks.
I feel the need to share my story but I’m scared and overwhelmed. There’s so much to say I don’t know where to start. I’m so frightened about my children finding out that I’m terrified of leaving a search history trail. Because of this I’m scared of giving too much detail that they could realise it’s me. I am doing my best to leave no search history.
I am the BW.
I have children that I’m hoping are totally unaware of any problems between my husband and I. (Other than your average minor disagreements which I always try not fo hide from the children so they get a balanced idea that relationships have some flaws).
I am I think 3 years from d-day, everything is a blur.
I feel I should be doing better this far in but I’m just a broken person.
We are working hard to keep our marriage together, I do feel that we both want it to work and that my husband is genuinely sorry and has no intentions to cheat again, but equally my eyes are wide open to the fact that people surprise you. He was the last person I would have expected to have done what he did. It was the biggest shock of my life.
He didn’t have an EA, he joined a swingers group and met with people. I discovered it when I saw photos on his phone. I was far from family in lockdown and had no option but to cope and stay in the house which in some ways may have been a blessing but in other ways was incredibly lonely and tough. My children were in the house the whole time because of lockdown so I never got a chance to just crumble, I had to put a mask on the whole time.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I’m only touching on the minimum of the trauma that went on. I suppose I need a light at the end of the tunnel because I’m faltering. Any stories of couples who managed to stay together and live happily ever after?
It’s like all my foundations and stability has been swept away. I have lost all my friends because I don’t want them to know, they will hate him and it’s such a juicy story even the best of people would struggle not to spread it around. I never want it to get back to my children, they idolise him and I don’t want to damage their wellbeing. I’m so overwhelmed and fearful. I’m a shell of who I was, I can act happy and confident in front of people but I find it drains me more and more which makes me isolate myself more and more. I know I sound dramatic but my heart has genuinely hurt since I found out. He broke it. I can understand why they call it a ‘broken heart’ now.
I can feel really strong and powerful in how together I am one day and the next I’m just a paranoid under confident wreck.
I feel like I’ve been put in an impossible position, I have to live with a lie for the rest of my life, I feel totally burdened with it.
I really don’t want to consider divorce as an option, although I have said that my line in the sand is that if he ever does anything like that again it is 100% over. I feel very confident I would follow through on that. I do feel everyone deserves one chance though and I also want to be able to tell my children that I did everything I could if our marriage does fail in the end.
I’ve never posted about it. I’m nervous but hoping this site might help me. Sorry for the ramble.

9 comments posted: Thursday, August 22nd, 2024