Finding "Me." - How??

So, the one thing that I've been trying to figure out is... after 20 odd years of marriage and 20 years of being a mom, I've now got to find "Me." I lost me a long time ago. I've been so busy meeting everyone else's needs and caring for my husband and kids that I lost who I am.

I know I need to take care of me. Find what me likes and doesn't like. Find friends and do things. Prioritize myself.

But ... how? How do I start?

I'm so run over with emotions and the mess that is my life and parenting challenges.

I looked at the 180 list and it's so freaking overwhelming.

This has been my identity for so long. I just don't know who I am anymore.

What helped you?

15 comments posted: Wednesday, October 23rd, 2024

Hi. Sigh.

A week ago, he told me. It has only been going on for a couple of weeks, but still.... a houseful of kids of various ages and stages, thankfully none of them super young. 2 decades of marriage. And he got sucked into a blackhole of misery that he found a light for somewhere else. Even though I saw it coming, (and begged for it not to, but couldn't really do much to stop it) - I'm shattered, but as long as I don't let the cracks show, I can keep it under control right now.

He doesn't know if he wants to work on our marriage or not. He's feeling lost and confused. He told me that he wouldn't sleep with her again, but is struggling with not being allowed to contact her anymore. They work closely together and that makes it 100 fold more challenging. He thinks she is the salvation to all his problems, and she's needy and broken too so I can't see how it will lead to something better for him if he chooses her after all this.

We've talked and talked and talked. Maybe more than we ever have. Ultimately, over the course of our marriage - we broke each other which lead to his choice in a flash of hopeless pain and overwhelm - and then feeling like he'd finally been appreciated. We need to change or we need to let go.

We met a counsellor last night and he agreed to try to focus on our marriage for one month. I'm committing 100%. Let's see if he will. He said he will try, but his brain is all f'd up.

I have to keep things together. If anything, just for the kids. I really don't want them to find out, because it will likely be easy for them to villainize their dad and I don't want that.

Thank you for the wisdom and open sharing on this forum. It really helped me make some wise decisions in how I've been handling myself and what steps to take now.

- I was able to take the news without a massively emotional meltdown or anger. I was able to be rational and listen and be mature in my responses. That might be my biggest win right now. I didn't set everything on fire and destroy what little was left.

- I've already seen my health provider and got tests done and made a follow up visit for other deeper things.

- I'm working on finding myself a counsellor too because I need to fix me. I can't be the wife he dreamed of and I can't expect him to love me if I can't love myself.

- I'm focusing on myself - getting myself moving, showering, drinking water, etc. I'll admit though that I've lost like 10lbs in the last week since I just haven't been able to eat much. I have been talking to two close friends and have asked some others who don't know what's going on other than "something big" to check in on me. They demand proof of life photos.

- I'm journalling.

- I'm looking for solutions to the big ticket areas of our life so that I can be ready when and if we are to attempt to tackle them. It's my responsibility to be the best I can be. Not for him, but for me. And that includes understanding how I can change the things in my life and brain that have lead to this.

- I have managed to get my brain into a place that is willing to accept that this might be over, even if I don't want it to be. And now I'm trying to find out what I have to do next, even if it's just in case.

I hate this. I hate it all.

63 comments posted: Tuesday, August 20th, 2024